One of my spies came across this sitting on a photocopier at Broadcasting House…

0600 – 0900 Today
A new post-Hutton look to the daily news and current affairs programme. Presented by the Chuckle Brothers.

0900 – 1000 Home Truths
New time for the anecdotal magazine programme. John Peel attempts to sound interested when he meets an old woman who lived in a shoe, and her sister who once swallowed a fly.

1000 – 1100: Woman’s Hour
Shopping, embroidery and a make up tips for the fairer sex.

1100 – 1130: History for Beginners
Ian Hislop looks back at World War Two and asks, ‘who won?’

1130 – 1200: My Old Man’s a Dustman
Mediocre comedy drama, inevitably starring the ageless Karl Howman playing a happy go lucky type.

1200 – 1300: You and Yours
The team discuss the demise of rural Post Offices. Again.
We ask, who cares?

1300 – 1330: The World At One
Nick Clarke interviews questions a room of 12-month old babies on the issues du jour.

13:30 – 1330: Quote Unquote
Nigel Rees again tries to show how clever he is, with more wanky quotes from people we - and the panel – have never heard of.

1400 – 1415: The Archers
Nigel gets caught shagging sheep, and confusion abounds in Ambridge when some Black and Asian people move to the village.

1415 – 1500: Afternoon Play – Angela’s Ashes
Comedy. After Angela dies in a tragic accident down pit, her northern family loses her ashes – with hilarious consequences.

1500 – 1530: Money Box live
More calls from the financially illiterate as the team clarify what an ISA is, and whether now is a good time to get into ‘buy to let’. Again.

1530 – 1600: Crossing Continence
Bladder control news from around the world.

1600 – 1630: The Food Show
The panel discuss GM foods and ask: “Is Jamie Oliver a knob?”

1630 – 1700: Beyond Belief
Religious magazine programme, so called because it’s beyond belief that anyone listens to this shit.

1700 – 1800: PM
The poor mans Today, with 60 minutes of news and analysis and 60% less listeners.

1800 – 1830: News
Charlotte Green gets men up and down the country hot under the collar

1830 – 1900: I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue
In an exclusive interview Tony Blair explains why Britain really went to war in Iraq.

1900 – 1915: The Archers
The villagers burn a witch.

1915 – 2000: Front Row
Francine Laughing Stock asks is ballet is for nonces, and whether Woody Allen will ever make a funny movie again.

2000 – 2100: The Moral Maze
Michael Buerk and the panel discuss the most ethical way to kill David Starkey.

2100 – 2200: Play for the Day: The real lawnmower man
Dramatisation of how an engineer called Edwin Beard Budding created the worlds first lawnmower and changed gardening as we know it.

2200 – 2245: The World Tonight
This is the news.

2245 – 2300: Book at Bedtime: Twat.
Martin Jarvis reads from his autobiography.

2300 – 2330: The Now Show
Punt and Dennis continue to show that even though they haven’t moved on since the Mary Whitehouse Experience, we have.

2330 – 2400: Today in Parliament (LW)
Late night comedy about a group of out of touch up-hill gardeners..

2330 – 2400: Arse bandits
Political news for insomniacs and politicians.

Posted by damian at September 06, 2003 10:07 AM