A shame faced Sooty, known to millions worldwide as the star of The Sooty Show broke down in tears earlier today and confessed that the trappings of stardom had led to to a £500 a day crack cocaine habit. The star looked yellow and jaundiced as he talked exclusively to Mr Damian from a secret location in North London.

Puppet
Sooty recounted how after years of almost non stop acting work he felt he was beginning to lose control of the direction in which his career was heading. "I began to feel that I was just a puppet for other peoples ambitions" he said.

In a bid to alleviate the pain he was going through, he turned to crack cocaine. This extraordianry cry for help was soon costing him £3500 a week. As his work began to suffer he was suspended from work the RSC, and a guest spot in EastEnders was also lost.

Friends
His friends Sweep and Sue, worried that their friend might become depressed and suicidal, sent him to the Bernard Mathews rehibilittaion clinic in Norfolk. After three months of "cold turkey" treatment he has beaten the habit, ready to face the world again and reclaim his place in the pantheon of family entertainers.

Tough Life
Sooty is just another in a long line of household names who have resorted to illegal susbtances in a bid to cope with the pressures of wealth. "All those women, fast cars, villas in Marbella... it was just too much".

Arse fondler
His former manager, puppet arse fondler Matthew Corbett said: "I'll have the lasagne with a bottle of the house red." We've a feeling he was talking about something else.

The Future
A spokesman for the Commuter Theatre in Woking said that as long as he brought a letter from his mum, there was no reason why Sooty would not be able to appear in panto as Buttons this Christmas opposite Linda Lusardi.

Sooty is eight inches tall and made of old cloth.

Notice of correction
*NB: In an earlier edition of this story we referred to Mr Corbett as a "puppet arse fondler." We did of course mean a "popular arts funder". Apologies to all concerned.

Posted by damian at October 21, 2003 04:52 PM | TrackBack