1: Wear a protective body suit at all times.

If you don't have one, improvise with a shower curtain.

If you don't have a shower curtain, steal some chain mail from the British Museum. You'll be able to get away with it as all the security guards will be at home.

2: Only drink bottled water which you have also reboiled a dozen times to get rid of any impurities.

If you can't get hold of any bottled water drink your own urine - at least you know you don't have any biological agents in you, and the great thing with the yellow stuff is that if you keep drinking it, everything cycles back round again, as you can always be sure that there will be more from where that came from.

If you use a small tube and plan ahead you can keep you suit on indefinitely and keep on drinking and pissing (but not necessarily at the same time - if you need a 'number two' we suggest that you use the Governments terror advice pamphlet for wiping purposes).

3: The best source of protein is Spam. Monty Python had it right, we suggest you eat nothing but Spam, Spam, Glorious Spam.

However to avoid contamination make sure you keep the tins inside your protective body suit. This may make the suit a bit heavy, but you will be grateful for it.

4: Stay indoors. Don't go to work on the tube, the bus or by car. Better still, don't go to work. Work remotely, or not at all. Who cares?

5: If you're ever attacked by a grizzly bear, you're advised to play dead so that the bear leaves you alone. Don't fight back. Mr Damian thinks you should treat terrorists like grizzly bears, so make sure you look like a yellow suited morris dancer by carrying noisy bells which you can jangle at all times.

This is guaranteed to scare off even the most hardy suicide bomber. If it doesn't, then pretend to be dead. There's no point in blowing yourself up if you think your target is already dead.

(Of course if you're already dead, then you've arguably already beaten them - so well done all you decomposed ones - you certainly showed those terrorists a thing or two. Well done.)

Posted by damian at July 26, 2004 10:37 AM | TrackBack