Michael Schumacher arguably the most famous racing driver of his generation is to retire Mr Damian can exclusively reveal.

Schumacher’s decision, which will shock the motor racing world, comes just a month after the Ferrari driver clinched an unprecedented seventh drivers' title.

The Schu – as he isn’t known to fans around the world – has decided to step down in order to concentrate on management – a decision prompted by his recent discovering of a new driving talent who he says “will blow the competition out of ze vater.”

Sources suggest that this new talent, combined with the retirement of the all conquering Schumacher, will also reinvigorate a sport which many have suggested has become dull and predictable in recent years.

Why?

Because the talent being spoken of is a woman – the first to drive in F1 since Nikki Lauder donned a dress and asked everyone to call him Shirley.

The woman in question, who counts fellow heiress Paris Hilton amongst her close friends – has been revealed as the popular southern belle Penelope Pitstop the self styled “glamour gal of the gas pedal."

At present it’s not known which team she will be driving for, suggestions that she will take the empty seat at Ferrari have been dismissed by many industry insiders.

At present the smart money is on Miss Pitstop using the money of her guardian Sylvester Sneakly to set up a new team with a new car – the Compact Pussy Cat – preparing to take on all comers.

Despite being of the fairer sex, other drivers have promised that Penelope won’t find F1 an easy ride. David Coulthard promised to “stop the pigeon” when we spoke to him, and noted that he was designing a new car himself to be used during the 2005 season.

Since then however his design has been ruled illegal by the F1 regulators meaning that Coulthard will simply have to stick with his existing vehicle. When we broke the news to him “Drat, and double drat" was about all the boring British bastard could say.

Penelope Pitstop can currently be found online in a sex video with Nick Carter.

David Coulthard cannot.

Posted by damian at September 27, 2004 10:53 AM | TrackBack