Stories to: story @ mrdamian.com
Comments to: comment @ mrdamian.com
Most Popular
• Official: Ginger people are more ugly• Puppet Sooty says "I was a crack whore"
• Star Whores III
• Top Ten Burberry Sex Toys
• Does Fast Food Cause Sleep Wanking?
• Burberry to Sponsor Air Force One
• Mr Damian made an OBE
• Top 10 Ways To Freak People Out In Your Office
• Mr Damian encourages readers to knit jumpers for penguins
• Jackson Moonwalks to Freedom
WAP Site
December 10, 2004
University that awarded MBA to cat sued by hiring company
Chevy Chase bank are suing an online University after the financial institution hired a new Vice President with an MBA from “Qualifications R Us.” QRU College, as it is also known, is one of a new breed of academic bodies available online and thus unregulated by central or federal Government.
“The individual concerned – whose identity we’re keeping secret for security reasons - had an impeccable resume,” a spokesman told us, “but we found that in the flesh they simply did not cut the mustard.”
Mr Damian today exclusively reveals today that there may well be a good reason for this. The individual concerned, one Colby Nolan, is in fact a six year old black cat belonging to Philadelphia’s deputy attorney general.
It was on the basis of this strong academic track record that Chevy Chase hired Mr Nolan, without an interview.
Denying that political connections had helped swing this situation a spokesman told us that “His [Nolan’s] resume was top notch, and in these circumstances it’s quite common for us to hire without seeing the candidate.”
“Unfortunately Mr Nolan didn’t come across as well in the board room as he did on paper, he seemed more interested in lying in the sun, scratching, and licking his own genitalia, which upset some of our older Board members quite considerably. They just didn't feel that this was appropriate behaviour away from the country club.”
Posted by damian at December 10, 2004 11:34 AM
| TrackBack
Chevy Chase bank are suing an online University after the financial institution hired a new Vice President with an MBA from “Qualifications R Us.” QRU College, as it is also known, is one of a new breed of academic bodies available online and thus unregulated by central or federal Government.
“The individual concerned – whose identity we’re keeping secret for security reasons - had an impeccable resume,” a spokesman told us, “but we found that in the flesh they simply did not cut the mustard.”
Mr Damian today exclusively reveals today that there may well be a good reason for this. The individual concerned, one Colby Nolan, is in fact a six year old black cat belonging to Philadelphia’s deputy attorney general.
|
Members of the Attorney General’s office admit that they purchased Colby a $50 MBA “for a laugh,” claiming he had experience including baby-sitting, retail management and taxidermy. The school, which offers no classes, allegedly determined Colby Nolan's resume entitled him to a master of business administration degree; a transcript listed the cat's course work and 3.5 grade-point average. |
Merchant Banker |
It was on the basis of this strong academic track record that Chevy Chase hired Mr Nolan, without an interview.
Denying that political connections had helped swing this situation a spokesman told us that “His [Nolan’s] resume was top notch, and in these circumstances it’s quite common for us to hire without seeing the candidate.”
“Unfortunately Mr Nolan didn’t come across as well in the board room as he did on paper, he seemed more interested in lying in the sun, scratching, and licking his own genitalia, which upset some of our older Board members quite considerably. They just didn't feel that this was appropriate behaviour away from the country club.”
 Nolan: on gardening leave |
Mr Damian asked why the bank didn’t suspect foul play the first time that Mr Nolan arrived at work, only to be told that “as a company we value diversity, besides which some of our best customers are cats, well fat cats anyway.” Mr Nolan was unavailable for comment, but the Attorney General’s office admitted that it may well press charges for unfair dismissal. “Colby was never given a chance” one staff member told us whilst weeping openly. “Now he’s back to chasing pigeons and rummaging through the bins at night. It’s such a waste of potential.” |
MORE TOP STORIES
• Mr Damian w/c Tuesday 29th August 2006• 'Snakes On A Plane' threatens to take over the world
• Horse Racing Tips for week commencing 29th August 2006
• Mr Damian, w/c Monday 21st August 2006
• Madonna Fans Behaviour Crossed The Borderline
• Saddam accuses his captors of 'clowning around'
• Latest Horse Racing Tips
• Mr Damian w/c Monday 14th August 2006
• This weeks's Horse Racing Tips
• Scary the Clown
• Mr Damian week commencing Monday 7th August 2006
• 'Blair is sick' Number 10 insider tells us
• Most stupid scientific discovery of the week
• Gibson hopes to make the cut
• Mr Damian week commencing Monday 31st July 2006
What The Critics Say
Accolades
Reciprocals
