Rumours have been circulating the Arab world that Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden has released a New Year message in which he can be seen wearing a strange gingery brown wig and in which he says of President Bush - "you're fired".

Mr Damian has seen this tape and can confirm that these rumours are in fact true.

The tape however has confused many of his followers and news stations such as Al Jazeera because it features Osama in a playful mode, rather than the infidel hating demagogue which they are used to. As a result, many believe that the tape is a hoax and for this reason it has yet to be aired.

We have examined the tape however and can proclaim that it is indeed genuine.

Terry Waite called, he wants his beard back


The wig in question belongs to Donald Trump which was stolen from the property magnate on New Year's Eve whilst he slept in his Atlantic City Penthouse.

This theft marks the start of a new wave of Al-Qaeda activity, where the terrorists deliberately seek to destroy or steal new targets which they believe will undermine American morale, ultimately leading to the disintegration of the United States.

It's understood that Trump's "The Apprentice" is keenly followed in the Bora Bora caves where Bin Laden lives, and that his passion for reality TV sparked this new move. Intelligence sources have also confirmed that terrorists have also sought to kidnap Pop Idol judge Simon Cowell and hold him to ransom. This plot was foiled at the last minute when the barely literate kidnappers accidentally kidnapped British stage actor Simon Callow. Realising their mistake they later dumped him in the Arizona desert where he is currently recovering.

Callow: No Pop Idol

Donald Trump meanwhile is said to be inconsolable at the loss of his hairpiece, and has asked President Bush to send in the US Marines to recover it. Bush is understood to have assured the businessman that "no American wig will be left behind".

Until that point, Trump is expected to keep a low profile and spent time ensconced in his hotel room counting his money.

Trump: hair today, gone tomorrow

Posted by damian at January 03, 2005 03:52 PM