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The Roman Catholic Church finds itself in turmoil this morning after a dramatic fire in the Sistine Chapel resulted in the world's 115 cardinals being burnt - like a piece of over microwaved bacon - to a black and shrivelled crisp.
The tragedy is believed to have struck around 3am, when eye witenesses gathered in St Peter's Square reported seeing black smoke coming out of the Chapel's chimney. Tragically for the roasting reverends, observers thought nothing of this, as the cardinals were inside holding the first ballot to elect a new pope - a process which traditionally announces its results through smoke signals: white for a new Pope, black for an unsuccessful vote. As a result, when the thick black smoke billowed out the building onlookers thought it was nothing more than the College of Cardinals announcing that they had yet to find a successor to the late Pope John Paul II. |  No fire without smoke |
Despite the lack of a successful vote, cheers went up from the more than 40,000 pilgrims sat in St Peter's Square when the smoke emerged. 'This is so exciting' one Pope-Watcher told us.
Indeed it was, but not in the way they ensviaged, for whilst the Pontiff Pilgrims looked downcast and stealed themselves for another day of waiting, the chapels red cloaked inhabitants were being slowly, and torridly, burnt to death.
Their screams went unheard through the thick stone walls of the nave, and it was only when the whole building caught alight that the crowd suspected that something was awry.
 Rome's Annual Little Red Riding Hood Convention was always popular | By this time it was too late. 115 charred old men were now scorched onto the chapel floor leaving this iconic building resembling a strange human BBQ. What happens next, no one knows. The world is in shock. The world is mourning this morning, and no one, least of all Mr Damian, can quite believe it. |
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