Sometimes real life is funnier than fiction... Read the full manifesto here - or see below for the highlights.

On the Economy...
Our team of experts has decided that Income Tax has not proved popular with the public and will therefore be abolished. It was started in order to finance the Napoleonic war in 1799 and we now believe that the time is right to announce the cessation of hostilities with Napoleon.

We will issue a 99p coin to save on change.

The Official Monster Raving Loony Party will not join the single European currency. We will invite all Europeans countries to JOIN THE POUND.

Tax credits will be paid to nice people. There will be a 'total bastard' tax for everyone else.

On Political Sleaze...
Any Home Secretary claiming to have more children than necessary will be made to run the House Of Commons Creche.

In reaction to the old adage, 'Children are so honest' we intend to reduce the age of standing for parliament from 21 to 5.

On Education...
We pledge to reduce class sizes by making the pupils sit closer to one another and issuing them with smaller desks.

Bright pupils will be provided with dimmer switches to prevent them distracting the rest of the class.

Any student who says the word 'Like' when not grammatically called for, as in, 'Hey, I'm ... Like, going down the like, pub, like', or, 'I was, like, don't do that' will be made to go and stay with George Bush for a week in order to discourage them from other stupid 'Americanisms'.

On Transport...
Drivers will be allowed to drive over roundabouts when there's nothing about. This will make driving through Milton Keynes much more fun.

Traffic wardens will be re-named Dick Turpin because, let's face it, it's daylight robbery.

On Law and Order...
We fully back the government's policy of discouraging binge drinking by opening pubs for 24 hours. We believe that 24 hours is not quite long enough and propose to make the length of a day 32 hours long so that the pubs can be open for even longer.

Anyone caught breaking the law will be made to mend it.

On the Environment...
Half the grey squirrel population will be painted red in order to increase the red squirrel population.

With the growth of the motorist's nightmare, the HUMPS, town farm cows WILL BE RE-INTRODUCED, as when they are going for milking they will block roads admirably and keep the speeding traffic down

On Defence...
All WMD's (weapons of Mass Distraction) will be made highly visible so that we can find them.

Any politician wanting to start a war will be shipped off to the country in question with a bag of conkers. They can then conker the country themselves.

The white cliffs of Dover will be painted blue to camouflage our islands.

Buckingham Place will be defended by triffids, cultivated by Prince Charles.

Anyone criticising defence will be made to mend it with de hammer and de nails.

On Pets...
Anyone believing that their pet understands every word that they say to them will be asked to make the pet write a thesis to prove it.

The Queen...
In future the National Anthem will be 'Bring Me Sunshine' as sung by Morecambe and Wise. It is quicker, more tuneful and people know the words.

On state occasions Prince Philip will juggle his spectacles up and down and say, 'Hey!' before the whole of the The Royal family do the dance off at the end. If the music can not be found because it was left in the pub then it may be substituted by 'The Hippo Song' by Flanders and Swann.

Posted by damian at April 26, 2005 12:10 PM