More than 2.5 million men in Britain could be firing blanks, a new report claims. The research by a group of 30 something women desparate to have children revealed that 9% of the UK's 28.5 million men might have difficulty conceiving. Another 19% have committment issues and 12% prefer not to talk about it.

The group spoke to Doctors across the country who expressed concern that declining male fertility would add to ageing population issues, with many blaming smoking, alcohol and late night kebabs for the trend.

'Sperm quality and number have declined in the last 30 years' according to Rita Cuckold, a tester for the manufacturer Durex, 'although when you say that to men you tend to get a mouthful,' she added.

Male infertility accounts for about a third of couples' problems conceiving. The other two thirds tend to be the result of frigid bitches, bad perms or Bacardi Breezer damaged follopian tubes.

It's sperm that counts not votes
Weakest Link presenter Anne Robinson said: 'The results of this survey are shocking and should be a wake-up call to men and women that drinking and smoking too much not only gives you a bad headache in the morning but can affect your ability to start a family.'

Even Fergie's partial to a Jaffa

Robinson also suggested that the popular snack, Jaffa Cakes, could also be contributing factor with over half the respondents commenting that this was their preferred pick me up before endulging in a spot of hide the sausage.

Dr Douglas Douglas, clinical spokesman for McVities who make the popular cake/biscuit (that's still in dispute with the VAT Man) said: 'That's bollocks.'

'Discovering you have a fertility problem has a devastating effect on people's lives and many people turn to a sugary orange and sponge snack as a way to get over it. Any steps which couples can take to minimise the chances of suffering infertility such as giving up smoking and cutting down on alcohol should be encouraged.'

Dr Douglas is currently childless and has been for the last 64 years.

Posted by damian at September 27, 2005 12:30 PM