ONE MILLION CADBURY BARS WITHDRAWN
More than a million Cadbury chocolate bars are being taken off the shelves over fears they may be contaminated with salmonella.

Readers of Mr Damian are advised not to eat any of the following confectionary snacks in the coming weeks: Cadbury Fruit and Egg, Cadbury Dairy Chicken, Double Duck Decker and Cadbury's Boost (with added e-coli).

ROYAL ASCOT TO GET TV MAKEOVER
Rumours in horse racing circles suggest that Royal Ascot in 2007 will be more diverse than ever before.

After the continued success of 'Ladies Day' the authorities are said to be discussing the introduction of 'She Ladies Day' for 2007 in a bid to ensure that "people of cross-gender enjoy horse racing as much as the next man."

CONSERVATIVES IN DISCUSSIONS TO ABOLISH INCOME TAX
The Tory party are said to be in "serious discussions" about replacing general taxation with money riased from parking fines.

PARKINSON TO SELL HIS GOLDMAN STAKE
In an earlier edition we said that Michael Parkinson had agreed to sell his $485m Goldman Sachs shares in order to avoid conflicts of interest in his new role as US Treasury secretary.

We did of course mean Hank Paulson.

Our apologies to Cliff Richard for the error.

THAMES WATER 'PISSING AWAY GOOD WILL' SAYS REGULATOR
Thames Water faces a fine of up to £140 million after announcing a huge increase in profits while its pipes continue to leak nearly 200 million gallons of water a day.

Ofwat, the industry regulator, has suggested that the situation is "unacceptable" and that the company needed to "get a grip."

The Thames Water team was unavailable to comment but a spokesman shrugged and enigmatically told us "it might as well rain until September."

It might, but technically any rain after July is only going to be lost, so what's the point?

Still, at least total randoms can still continue to use the paddling pool at Mr Damian Towers, so it's not all bad.

Posted by damian at June 25, 2006 10:41 PM