According to one eye witness, 'TB seemed oblivious to it, and just carried on talking animatedly. Naturally we were all too scared and embarrassed to mention it, so we simply avoided eye contact and waited for the frothing to stop.'

However, it's understood that attempts to broach the issues have simply been rebuffed, and that the First Lord of the Treasury has insisted that he's fine, and simply 'in need of a free holiday.'

Medic
Mr Damian's resident Doctor, Doogie Howser MD told us: 'The irony is of course that with this illness it's unlikely that he will be able to travel as most countries will simply quarantine him immediately. Like with Maggie Thatcher before him, once the disease is fully established in a person and they begin to show symptoms, it almost always leads to political death.'