A dozen Madonna fans in the Oklahoman city of Tulsa are today facing arrest after a series of bizarre incidents, Mr Damian reports.

*Not* rednecks. Oh no.

The dozen fans, all cousins, were arrested last night after a series of attacks on the towns men folk which saw over fifty men in the last week attacked by groups of women armed with nothing but breast pumps. A number of the victims have come forward to the police and each described a similar ordeal.

One of them, Mr X told us.

'I was walking back to my pick up truck after having had a few beers at Hooters when I was jumped by a dozen women. They pinned me to the ground, ripped off my lumberjack shirt and then attached a strange machine to my chest whilst they sang Madonna songs. They left after a few minutes, presumably after getting whatever it was they wanted.'

Full Cream
According to local police, what the women wanted was the man's breast milk.

'They wanted to get their victims to lactate,' an officer told us.

A quick Google search by Mr Damian revealed that the Oklahoma Police weren't the first people to investigate such a series of crimes, as other forces across the world had investigated similar experiences. FBI expert Giles Brinkley who works on the bizarre crimes and edits the Fortean Times explained that these women had been listening over intently to the late 80s Madonna hit 'Express Yourself'' – which contains the chorus: Don't go for second best baby Put your love to the test You know, you know, you've got to Make him express how he feels And maybe then you'll know your love is real

Breast is Best

Formula
Unfortunately these women misheard the penultimate line as 'make him express himself' and were using this 'calling' from their Madonna as a test for potential suitors.

For Mr X, this idea that a rabid group of estrogen overloaded women wanted his milk seemed rather strange, but he admitted to Mr Damian that 'whilst my bitch tits hurt like hell at least I now know why.'

Indeed, now we all do.

Posted by damian at August 21, 2006 12:34 PM