The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents (RoSPA) today published a worrying report which confirmed a statistic that many emergency room doctors have suspected for several years - namely that Tuffet related accidents have risen sharply in the last decade - a rise which many attribute to global warming, whilst others lay the blame firmly at the door of reality TV.

A typical unassuming, yet highly dangerous, Tuffet

Doctor Weener from Guys Hospital who co-authored the report told reporters: “Youngsters are falling off their tuffets like it’s going out of style, they sweating due to the warmer weather and slipping off.”

He went on to highlight the particularly unfortunate case of a woman known only as ‘Little Miss Muffet’, a poor young lady who was frightened by a large spider resulting in her falling from her tuffet and fracturing her pelvis in eight different places. "One of the worst fractures I have seen" Weener said.

To add insult to injury, it appears that Miss Muffet was in the process of eating a rare dish known as ‘kurds and whey’. “This is the absolute worst concoction to be eating before an accident” Weener noted, “this young girl was blissfully unaware that her choice of snack would retard the healing process so severely that she will require several months in hospital - and may never fully regain full hip rotation.”

The government responded quickly to news, announcing the appointment of a ‘Tuffet Tsar’ to deal with the problem by getting "tough on Tuffets, tough on the causes of Tuffets."

MrDamian was shocked to learn that shortly after the announcement was made the new tsar, Mr H. Dumpty a widely respected anti-Tuffet expert from the commercial sector sustained terrible injuries after falling from a brick wall. “We don’t think we will be able to put him back together again” said a spokesman this morning.

At this stage all the King's Horses and all the King's Men are currently under house arrest pending further investigation. All Tuffets have been removed from their homes and are at present being interrogated by hard bastards in dark glasses.

Posted by damian at September 24, 2004 02:26 PM | TrackBack