Poughkeepsie says -- Mr Damian for President!

This year's US Presidential election promises to be even more nail biting than the 2004 campaign in which Al Gore lost the White House despite wining more votes than his contender – George W Bush.

Daily polls show the incumbent, President Bush, and Senator John Kerry neck and neck in the race to occupy the West Wing as the nation is split on issues such as abortion, taxation , the war in Iraq and the rebate over whose daughters are more attractive.

It’s an election which, in its splits, has been almost tribal in some areas, with passions high and tempers frequently frayed on the stump and in living rooms across the land.

For some however their choice of candidate is clear. “I’ve always known I was pro-Bush” said well known womaniser Colin Farrell despite the fact that the Irish lepricorn is unable to vote outside his native Ireland. He then groped one our researcher and then asked if he could “see her ballot box.” Others have found upon closer inspection the official candidates, and Ralph Nader, have not come up to scratch, and are therefore taking matters into their own hands.

Farrell - always willing to vote in your district

In Poughkeepsie thousands of voters have promised to cross out the names of the official candidates and replace them with their own handwritten choice: Mr Damian.

Not Mr Damian

Explaining this move the Mayor told us “Mr Damian has done more for this town than Bush or Kerry ever will.” A Bush supporter spoke on condition of anonymity, “I can’t stand him myself, that website uses too many long words. If I want fake news I’ll watch the Fox News Channel.” Devil worshippers from the Main Street Coven were dismayed when they learned that Mr Damian is not “that kid from the Omen films.” but they would vote for him anyway. “The first step is starting is execute the mentally retarded” the group’s leader exclaimed, “we know that is Mr Damian’s top priority.” When it was pointed out that this is actually one of President Bush’s current policies he sacrificed a goat in disgust and left the room.

Whilst not officially standing insiders have reported that the following policies would form a part of the Mr Damian administration:
• Reinstate Baywatch to peak time TV schedules
• Immediately revoke Ruby Wax’s passport an have her brought back to the U.S.
• Rename the White House the Rainbow House in a bid to appease non-white voters
• Ensure that each school day is not started with a prayer, but with a 2 minute excerpt from Queen’s ‘We Will Rock You’

It’s also rumoured that he will ask Michael Douglas to become Secretary of State for Pensions and insist that Michael Moore remove his head from up his backside in a bid to defeat hot air emissions contributing significantly to global climate change. Posted by damian at October 30, 2004 04:19 PM | TrackBack