MV reveals all...

With just 2 weeks till the US presidential election poll shattering research has once and for all proved what all right wing republicans have always known – Jesus would vote republican.

Mr Damian takes the time to knit together all of the evidence and finally put this thorny issue to rest.

1) Archeologists have recently uncovered an angry letter from the Messiah to authorities. He complains that if the emperor Augustus had not set such an aggressive tax policy his parents would not have traveled to Bethlehem to register and thus, he would not have been born in a stable.

2) “2000 years ago wood was the closest natural resource to petrochemicals and Jesus chose to be a carpenter, this shows us that if he was on earth today he would most likely work in the oil business.“ announced Jack Reno, multimillionaire Texan oil tycoon at his 10,000 acre ranch this week.

3) When Jesus went into the temple and turned the money lender’s tables over he was in fact looking for weapons of mass destruction. Afterwards he accused the money lenders of having the intention to build such weapons and pointed out that just because he didn’t find them it did not mean they were not there.

Jesus: Pro-bush?

4) New evidence proves Jesus was a capitalist and diametrically opposed to welfare. In healing the sick himself he was in fact, paving the way for the current U.S system of health maintenance organisations who administer care to those who can afford it for high profit levels. Research has shown that all of the people that Jesus healed were working and thus had earned the right to be healthy.

5) On examination of the popular biblical quote “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God” the new findings show that it was in fact talking about a recent scandal involving the Roman emperor Bigus Clintus, an intern and a cigar. It seems that the Camel brand of cigars was around in biblical times and this was essentially a misunderstanding. For those less than educated readers the Hebrew translation for ‘Camel’ is of course ‘Camel’.

The republican party has already started producing bumper stickers and 'Jesus Votes Republican' lunch boxes available for order directly from the White House website.

President Bush was recently asked the pointed question “WWJV - What would Jesus vote?” The leader of the free world replied “Republican of course.” When pressed further he began singing an old Genesis song to the crowd “...Jesus he knows me, and he knows I’m right. I’ve been talking to Jesus all my life...”

Maybe the old adage does hold true, the devil really does have the best tunes.

Posted by damian at October 20, 2004 09:58 AM | TrackBack