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December 10, 2004
University that awarded MBA to cat sued by hiring company
Chevy Chase bank are suing an online University after the financial institution hired a new Vice President with an MBA from “Qualifications R Us.” QRU College, as it is also known, is one of a new breed of academic bodies available online and thus unregulated by central or federal Government.
“The individual concerned – whose identity we’re keeping secret for security reasons - had an impeccable resume,” a spokesman told us, “but we found that in the flesh they simply did not cut the mustard.”
Mr Damian today exclusively reveals today that there may well be a good reason for this. The individual concerned, one Colby Nolan, is in fact a six year old black cat belonging to Philadelphia’s deputy attorney general.
It was on the basis of this strong academic track record that Chevy Chase hired Mr Nolan, without an interview.
Denying that political connections had helped swing this situation a spokesman told us that “His [Nolan’s] resume was top notch, and in these circumstances it’s quite common for us to hire without seeing the candidate.”
“Unfortunately Mr Nolan didn’t come across as well in the board room as he did on paper, he seemed more interested in lying in the sun, scratching, and licking his own genitalia, which upset some of our older Board members quite considerably. They just didn't feel that this was appropriate behaviour away from the country club.”
Posted by damian at December 10, 2004 11:34 AM
| TrackBack
Chevy Chase bank are suing an online University after the financial institution hired a new Vice President with an MBA from “Qualifications R Us.” QRU College, as it is also known, is one of a new breed of academic bodies available online and thus unregulated by central or federal Government.
“The individual concerned – whose identity we’re keeping secret for security reasons - had an impeccable resume,” a spokesman told us, “but we found that in the flesh they simply did not cut the mustard.”
Mr Damian today exclusively reveals today that there may well be a good reason for this. The individual concerned, one Colby Nolan, is in fact a six year old black cat belonging to Philadelphia’s deputy attorney general.
|
Members of the Attorney General’s office admit that they purchased Colby a $50 MBA “for a laugh,” claiming he had experience including baby-sitting, retail management and taxidermy. The school, which offers no classes, allegedly determined Colby Nolan's resume entitled him to a master of business administration degree; a transcript listed the cat's course work and 3.5 grade-point average. |
Merchant Banker |
It was on the basis of this strong academic track record that Chevy Chase hired Mr Nolan, without an interview.
Denying that political connections had helped swing this situation a spokesman told us that “His [Nolan’s] resume was top notch, and in these circumstances it’s quite common for us to hire without seeing the candidate.”
“Unfortunately Mr Nolan didn’t come across as well in the board room as he did on paper, he seemed more interested in lying in the sun, scratching, and licking his own genitalia, which upset some of our older Board members quite considerably. They just didn't feel that this was appropriate behaviour away from the country club.”
 Nolan: on gardening leave |
Mr Damian asked why the bank didn’t suspect foul play the first time that Mr Nolan arrived at work, only to be told that “as a company we value diversity, besides which some of our best customers are cats, well fat cats anyway.” Mr Nolan was unavailable for comment, but the Attorney General’s office admitted that it may well press charges for unfair dismissal. “Colby was never given a chance” one staff member told us whilst weeping openly. “Now he’s back to chasing pigeons and rummaging through the bins at night. It’s such a waste of potential.” |
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