BREAKING NEWS

Pope Benedict XVI has begun the ancient process to beatify his predecessor John Paul II, the first step on the road to proclaiming his predecessor a saint, Mr Damian can reveal.

'The cause for the beatification of John Paul II is open,' the new Pontiff told priests as they gathered for their weekly poker game.

This ancient process is steeped in mystery and tradition, and will see the Church exhume the body of Pope John Paul II so that the Pope can beatify him with a large wooden stick whilst the Cardinals stand around in a circle shouting in latin 'pugna, pugna, pugna' (fight, fight, fight).

After the new Pope has won this battle, the old Pope will then be proclaimed a saint.

The Pope waived the usual rules which require a five-year wait before the Church begins to beatify someone.

'We're confident there isn't any life in the old dog yet, or ever for that matter' said a Papal spokesman. 'As a result, we're kinda happy to move the timetable up on this one'.

John Paul II died on 2 April. He was not available for comment.

Posted by damian at May 13, 2005 11:05 AM