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• Puppet Sooty says "I was a crack whore"
• Star Whores III
• Top Ten Burberry Sex Toys
• Does Fast Food Cause Sleep Wanking?
• Burberry to Sponsor Air Force One
• Mr Damian made an OBE
• Top 10 Ways To Freak People Out In Your Office
• Mr Damian encourages readers to knit jumpers for penguins
• Jackson Moonwalks to Freedom
WAP Site
The historic Irish city of Cork is to be blown up later this week after it was purchased by the Californian wine merchants E. & J. Gallo.
| The move, which has been met with considerable anger in the Emerald Isle, has been caused by record consumptions of wine which, in turn, has result in a world wide shortage of cork.
Demand for quality wine has been driven by low prices and a change of perception around what wine is, and who drinks it, seen for example in the Hollywood movie Sideways. 'Wine is no longer just for snobs,' said Mr Damian's food and drink critic Anthony Lush. In the last three years alone wine consumption across the globe has grown by some 150% with Californian wines seeing growth at over fives times above that figure. |  A Lush |
It's this demand for the grapes of the Napa Valley, matched by the worldwide shortage of cork, which has seen Gallo make a number of surprising business moves in recent months.
Popped
After buying the Australian hat manufacturers 'Shane' last November they caused outrage Down Under by withdrawing their most popular product, a green hat with corks dangling from the rim, only to put it back on the market a couple of months later minus the corks.
Over Christmas the group made a hostile bid for Bathrooms R Us, a takeover which was rejected by the family firm when it emerged that Gallo were keen on breaking the company up, using their stock of cork bathmats for their own wine orientated purposes whilst selling the rest of the company to the highest bidder.
 | As a result, the acquisitions team went back to the drawing board, emerging in the New Year with the plan to buy Ireland's second city, to blow it up and then mine it for the cork from which it draws its name. 'We're delighted that more people are drinking our wine,' a spokesman said, 'but we also want to ensure that their experience is pleasurable and that means preserving our products in glass bottles with corks in them. This move will see residents moved to a wonderful caravan park on the old city borders whist ensuring that wine drinkers can continue to derive maximum pleasure from our products. It's a win win situation.' |
Cork is due to be blown up at 9pm BST on Sunday.
Mr Damian looks ahead at the big stories Stateside during the forthcoming year.
 Bush: 'Global Warming Not Just Hot Air' | January: Mel Brooks announces plans for a Broadway version of 'Sharon the Ballet' explaining the Israel v Palestinian conflict, and showcasing the contribution of the late Ariel Sharon, through the power of dance.
February: Dick Cheney fends off calls for his resignation after it emerges that he bit off part of Karl Rove's right ear during a drunken brawl at Camp David. March: President Bush unveils a plan to help reduce Global Warming by asking all Americans to leave their fridge doors open at night. |
|
April: California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is snapped by a long lense photographer doing the washing up in his wife's underwear, instantly endearing his to the State's pink voters.
May: Cheney quits after it emerges that he likes to do much the same thing in the Rose Garden. He's not cool enough for the Pink Vote to save him. |  Bad Attitude |
June: In a bid to toughen up his ailing Presidency George Dubya appoints Mr T as VP.
 Paris: Old dog. New tricks. | July: The latest craze to sweep Hollywood is sign language for dogs. Paris Hilton is one of the first to pioneer the new trend.
August: Bush invades Iran after months of preparation. With Tehran falling in under 48 hours his VP comments: 'I love it when a plan comes together.' |
September: France belatedly objects to the invasion and Larry King viewers see their Vice President openly berate the French President, Jacque Chirac. 'I pity the fool,' he says.
| October: An emergency summit in Paris is almost cancelled after it emerges that the VP refuses to fly in Air Force One. However a White House aide spikes his milk and everything works out fine.
November: Donald Rumsfeld discovers a new unknown. He's now unemployed. |  Cheese Eating Surrender Monkey |
December: Bush is forced to find his third Vice President of the year after the current incumbent goes on the run for a crime he didn't commit.
Fresh Bush?
US President George W Bush is expected to shuffle some of the members of his top team in the New Year after signs that his advisors were getting stale.
One, deputy chief of staff Joe Hagin, is rumoured to have died two years ago, but no one appears to have notived. ' He was always quiet in meetings anyway' said one insider.
Other names under threat include everyone from Karl Rove to Enid Worksop, the President's Tea Lady, as Bush seeks to put 2005 behind him.
'It's possible the President has been a little out of touch with the concerns of everyday Americans' a staffer told us 'and he's going to want to redress this, so expect more policies aimed at The Simpsons generation – both Bart and Jessica – as well as an investigation into who killed Kenny from South Park.
 Bush: Standing tall in 2006 |
Marjuana Group Goes Up In Smoke However the campaign has hit an early 'pothole' after its campaign headquarters went up in smoke, in a fire which is also belived to have taken the life of one of their major financial donors, leaving the group facing financial difficulties. 'Don't Fear The Reefer' might be their motto, but this is one battle which looks like it might be put out to grass for a while. |
 |
NSA inadvertently used banned 'cookies'
The National Security Agency has today admitted that members of staff have broken into the homes of internet users to stuff 'Dutch Cookies' in their harddrives.
The move, which renders some computers obsolete and causes others to smell as the cookie burns or turns mouldy has provoked outroar from the web community.
The issue raises questions about privacy at a spy agency already on the defensive amid reports of a secretive eavesdropping program in the United States.
'This was a mistake,' said Arid Meadow, Director at the Center for Democracy and Technology, an Internet advocacy group in Washington, D.C. 'the way this cookie has crumbled the NSA had better watch their step in future.'
Indeed they should.
Top Ten Adult Rentals from Bonkbuster Video this week:
1: Santa Doesn't Just Cum Down The Chimney
2: The Kinky Snowman 3: She Must Have Him Before He Melts!
3: White Christmas
4: Rudolph, the Brown Love Reindeer
5: The Man in the Santa Clause Suit
6: Home Alone 8: What's a girl to do?
7: A Muppet Christmas Carol
8: Guess Who's Cumming For Xmas?
9: Christmas Stockings 9: College Girls
10: Wallace and Grommit: The Curse of the Rampant Rabbit
Santa's Little Helper
The latest news, in a nutshell, from the most free country on Planet Earth.
Rice and Easy Does It
US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice sought this week to clarify US policy on harsh interrogation methods, saying that the US did not support toture.
Viewers of Charlie Sheen's TV Series Two and a Half Men beg to differ.
Stop American torture today! Join Mr Damian and write to Amnesty. Do it now!
Snow Chaos!
Storms across the middle of the US have resulted in freezing cold temperatures, snow and a series of fatal motor accidents in Kansas, Missouri and Kentucky over the last couple of days. In Texas, a mother and son died in a fire sparked by an improperly installed wood-burning stove.
The prospects are that this bad weather to continue. One male weather presenter said that the snow seen in many States might reach as big as '10 inches' over the weekend, although his females colleagues disagreed, suggesting that '3-4 inches at most' was a more realistic proposition.
10" never did Mr Damian any harm...
Crips creator faces final countdown
In California and across the American press the story of Crips co-founder and convicted murderer, Stanley Tookie Williams, has been grabbing the headlines as he sits on death row waiting to find out if Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will be a girlie man and spare his life or not.
Attorneys for Williams, have met the Governor to put forwrad their case, but they're unsure whether the meeting helped or not.
Williams' lead attorney, Peter Fleming, told reporters in an unfortunate turn of phrase, 'I'm still frightened to death.'
Asked about Williams' chance of getting clemency, Fleming said, 'I'm not an oddsmaker.' An oddsmaker offered us 6-4 against.
Privately those close to the Governor say that he is finding the whole incident very stressful. 'Williams is pleading clemency' said one aide, 'but we fail to understand what a type of orange has to do with this case'.
America asks: 'Will Arnie live up to his reputation as The Terminator?'
With US Senators home eating turkey and Bush's Supreme Court nominee, Judge Samuel A. Alito Jr., keeping a low profile, opponents are using the holidays to try to sway the public, and the Senate, to kill the latest nomination, if not the candidate.
| The resulting debate is causing a headache for the White House and the conservative groups supporting Alito, a headache which turned into a migraine this week after TV Judge, Judge Judy joined the public discourse.
The White House and other Alito supporters would have preferred she stayed quiet, as the Judge's profile is arguably much higher than Alito's, but speaking to Larry King earlier this week Judy suggested that she should be elected to the Supreme Court instead and that such an appointment would 'enable the masses to understand the legal system as never before'. |  The Lady takes no prisoners, although she creates a few |
What's in a name?
Downtime is famous in Washington for its potential to spawn scandals and fan controversy. It was during Congress' 1987 summer break that questions began to grow about Robert H. Bork, Ronald Reagan's ill-fated Supreme Court nominee, although anyone named Bork should quite frankly be viewed with suspicion.
 Even Bush's legendary telepathic link to God can't fix this | 'This is a period of posturing and attempting to frame the debate so that when the confirmation hearings begin, the public is in the right frame of mind, or at least in the frame of mind that each side wants them to be in,' said Jesse Rutledge, a spokesman for Justice at Stake, a nonpartisan group that tracks judicial elections and nominations.
Democrats fear that Judy's popularity with the public could be advantageous to Bush at a time when his popularity is at an all time low, although they admit to seeing the benefits of her assuming such a role. Until the holidays are over, America simply watches (mostly Montel and Judge Judy as it happens,) and waits... |
'Prison isn't just a black and white issue' says Judge Judy
A group of self styled black supremists today face ridicule across the world after a typiing error was responsible for them unleashing a high profile campaign proclaiming the imminent death of 'all white people,' Mr Damian reports.
The group in question, the Black Pandas, originate for Atlanta, where they previously gained notoriety for demanding that Coco Cola admit their product is rascist. 'Everytime a white man drinks the black carbonated soft drinks made by this Corporation they're reminding us of the year black people spent in bondage and slavery' their spokesman said at the time.
Cunning Stunts
Antics such as this however typically received little more than minor media coverage, and equally low level support from across the black and other communities. Their actions seldom doing anything but provide material for stand up comedians and TV Shows like Saturday Night Live.
This week however has been different, with lead member Bill Jordan having taken out a full page advert in USA Today claiming that he had stong scientific evidence to suggest that a killer disease would soon wipe out 'the entire white population of the planet'.
So high profile were his claims that reputable news agencies were forced to explore his allegation and give him airtime. As a result, Jordan appeared on Larry King, Oprah and even the Daily Show. However it was Regis Philbin who proved his undoing when he questioned Mr Jordan about his schooling.
The Grand Inquisitor
'I gather from friends of yours that you were dyslexic?'
'I still am.'
'So are you KO?'
'KO?'
'Sorry I mean ok?'
(Laughter from audience)
'I'm fine, unlike you, those chickens are coming for you!'
'Chickens'
'Yeah, chickens, the carriers of the Aryan flu, it's gonna get ya'
'Aryan flu? Don't you mean Avian flu'
(Long Pause)
'Bugger'
Cue much laughter from the audience, a very embarassed Mr Jordan and a fat contract for Regis to advertise KFC till the day he dies.
As was widely reported earlier this week, Harriet Miers the Texas lawyer controversially nominated to the US Supreme Court by President George W Bush, has withdrawn her application, leaving the White House scratching their heads for a replacement. Mr Damian reports exclusively on some closed door discussions.
Ms Miers, who had served as White House counsel for Mr Bush but had no judicial experience and a number of outstanding parking tickets. Following her withdrawl the President has moved swiftly to avoid any potential embarassment and to ensure that another suitable candidate can be proposed - and put in post - as quickly as possible.
Wet
With the White House under increasing scrutiny following possible further indictments of senior administration figures related to a CIA leak case, the President and his men are keen to ensure that delays and any signs of weakness are avoided.
As a result, it's no surprise that President Bush has done as he usual does in this situation - looking close to home for the solution.
Mr Damian understands that in the past few days Mr Bush's brother - the Florda Governor, Jed - and his Mother, Barbara, have each been approached about the job.
Oranges & Lemons
Jed however decided that he is too busy overcoming his widely publicised health problem: hanging chads, whilst Dubya's mother is currently establishing The Barbara Bush Foundation for Increasing Racial Awareness and Integration, in New Orleans.
As a result, Mr Bush's options are limited, and so he's turned to his best friend, Barney Bush to come to his rescue.
Barney, the President's Scottish Terrier, was born on September 30, 2000. Although just four years old, Barney has 'a wealth of judicial and philosophical knowledge' said one staffer.
Barney and Karl Rove discuss Iraq
Others however have questioned his views - as yet unknown publically - on the touchstone issue of abortion, while others doubted his understanding of constitutional law. To date few have noted that it may not be consititutionally possibly for a dog to take on this role.
The mood on the Hill though seems to be open minded - 'it's a dog eat dog world out there' said one critic.
Barney was unavailable for comment as he was busy licking his own gentalia at the time.
Barney is a frequent visitor to the Oval Office
In a move to increase productivity, hi tech company Hewlett Packard today told Mr Damian that it would be announcing tomorrow the introduction of vending machines in staff toilet cubicles across the US.
Announcing the move, Communications Director John Hewlett commented that '25% of our staff reguarly have their lunch on the can, this way 100% of staff have that option'.
HP staff are expected to 'work, rest and dump' all at the same time
The move comes hot on the heels of an independent scientific survey which reported that the typical office desk contained more germs and bacteria than the average office toilet.
Prospects
Alluding to the study Mr Hewlett also referred to the move as being 'good for the health of staff and good for the health of the company, as it will allow staff to multi-task in a manner always previously possible, but never previously encouraged'.
The HP initiative follows similar proposals introduced by both Microsoft and Google in recent months which have also aimed to improve the productivity of staff at a time of economic uncertainty and pressure.
Google have famously offerred staff the option of having their desk chair replaced by a porclean toilet, with many staff taking them up on the offer. One Search Engine staffer told us 'I'm always at my most productive when my trousers are round my ankles.'
Search this!
Good vibrations
Meanwhile staff working on a secret new adult version of the X-Box, the XXX-Box, are strapped into specially vibrating chairs which send a steady electric current through them in order to build muscle strength and definition without even having to leave their desk.
At present such initiatives have yet to be introduced outside the US, but business analysts are already stating that this is 'just a matter of time'.
An American adventure holiday firm has come under fire after offering 'kayaking holidays in New Orleans' Mr Damian reports.
The firm, The Irresponsible Traveler, is based in Miami and boasts 'unusual holidays in unusual locations' with its website also encouraging people to go oil speculating in Alaska and Seal Clubbing in Canada.
See the French Quarter as never before
No stranger to controversy the company previously ran a paintballing outfit in Baghdad before being thrown out by the US military for 'trivializing their operation' by continually hitting GI's with fluorescent yellow paint.
The holiday offer comes at a time when thousands of New Orleans residents are fleeing the city as large portions of it remain submerged under water with dead bodies often to be seen floating downstream.
The stark reality of life in the southern city doesn't affect the optimistic holiday business which reports 'there's never been a quieter time to visit the historic city of New Orleans'.
The famous party city is literally on fire
Unsurprisingly this entrepreneurism has sparked a negative reaction from victims families and the media alike, and the offer follows the already depressing news that US President George W Bush has promised to personally lead the Government review into the disaster.
Katrina Leskanich, original vocalist with Katrina and The Waves, is currently walking on sunshine and was unavailable for comment.
US President George W Bush has formally appointed poodle haired musician Michael Bolton as the US ambassador to the United Nations.
The move, which was widely expected but which occurred without approval from the US Senate, is expected to result in condemnation of the President's actions especially from lily-livered Democrats.
Bolton will soon be sworn in in Washington, before moving to New York to start work where he will be based until 2007. Speaking exclusively to Mr Damian the singer told us that he saw his role 'not just as an ambassador, but also as a soul provider'.
Dogged
Mr Bolton's candidacy did have the support of many senators but the nomination stalled because many women felt he was unsuitable for the role. Although never proven the warbler has been dogged with rumours of a being a serial sexual harasser, 'Can I touch you there?' is understood to be his favourite chat up line to nubile interns.
In an announcement at the White House, President Bush praised Mr Bolton's experience in foreign affairs and his soulful harmonies, alluding to problems the US had recently had with the UN, particularly around Iraq, President Bush said 'how can we be allies if we can't be friends?'
The Other Poodle
British Prime Minister, Tony Blair also welcomed the appointed saying 'How is the UN Supposed to Live Without You?'
At the president's side, Mr Bolton said he was 'profoundly honoured' by his appointment and promised that his period in office would be full of 'Time, Love and Tenderness'.
Lambasted
Democratic Senator John Kerry, who fought for the presidency last year, acknowledged Mr Bush's constitutional right to make the appointment but condemned the move as the 'wrong decision'. 'It only diminishes Michael Bolton's validity and leverage to secure America's goals at the UN,' he said in a statement, although he promised not to put up any 'Steel Bars' to the appointment.
In response Mr Bolton simply said, somewhat opaquely, 'That's What Love Is All About' and went off to wash his thinning hair.
An enormous, white cloud of dust is blowing across the United States, and meteorologists claim that Paris Hilton could be to blame.
Weather watchers do not expect much effect beyond colorful sunsets and cloudier skies, although some areas may notice a drop in temperature.
The cloud nearly the size of the continental United States is already working its way across Washington State, and should reach the East coast by the end of the week before vapourising when it heads across the Atlantic Ocean.
Initially scientists were puzzled as to the origins of the giant white cloud, speculating that it may have come from Asia, but this was dismissed after it was revealed that Paris Hilton had suffered a giant sneezing fit whilst visiting a Starbucks in Seattle.
Would you?
Eye witnesses reported a huge cloud of white dust eminating from the heiresses nose which shortly enveloped the coffee shop and surrounding blocks.
'It was quite a sight' one of them told us.
Such dust clouds are not uncommon, especially at this time of year.
Last year a giant sneeze by Mariah Carey plunged South Dakota into darkness for nearly a week, the high pitched warbler having had a similar effect on most of Western Europe whilst she was on tour there in the early 90s.
Will the Americans never learn?
It's William the Conqueror, not William the Warrior...
1: They're A Suicide Bomber Get Them Out Of Here
2: Fear Factor
3: Who Wants To Be A Martyr
4: CSI: Oklahoma
5: Law & Order: Death Row Unit
6: Police, Camera, Jihad
7: Buffy The Terrorist Slayer
8: The Apprentice
9: Beverly Hills 911
10: Third Bomb From My Son
They watch a lot of TV...
To celebrate the release of an innocent Michael Jackson, here's our Top Ten Michael Jackson jokes care of Jay Leno and The Tonight Show team.
1: 'Michael brought his personal magician into court with him. Good to see this thing doesn't turn into a circus. I guess the magician's job at Neverland was to make the young boy's pants disappear.'
2: 'According to the news, Michael Jackson is broke and can't even afford the payroll at Neverland Ranch. So the next time you see Michael with his hands in a 12-year-old's pocket, he might just be looking for lunch money.'
3: 'A lot of people thought Michael Jackson was faking it yesterday but people who know Michael say he does have back problems that flare up from time to time. Like when he's on trial for child molestation.'
4: 'What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Dick Cheney? One has pasty white skin, fake body parts and he's creepy; the other's Michael Jackson.'
5: 'Michael Jackson claims that his partners would sleep in the bed, while he slept on the floor. You know, it's the same arrangement the Clintons had.'
6: 'Michael Jackson now using the internet to communicate with his fans. Which makes sense, that's how he met most of 'em.'
7: 'After turning himself in yesterday, Michael Jackson was placed in handcuffs. I think he helped his case when he asked 'These are neat, do they come in smaller sizes?'
8: 'Michael Jackson announced this week that the Neverland Ranch is no longer home to him. He said he can't go back there. Which of course is really bad news for the kids locked in the crawlspace.'
9: 'Now he is out on bail, again he still doesn't get it. When a reporter asked him what he is going to do now, he said, 'I'm going to Disneyland.'
10: 'Michael says he is going to fight these charges tooth and nail — because those are the only real body parts he has left.'
'It seems that in Bush's America everything has it's price, and if the price is right you can come on down and buy whatever you want.'
Not Mr Damian's words, but the words of the political and social commentator Ted Ardvark, following the announcment that after a competitive tendering process the fashion giant Burberry is to sponsor Air Force One.
Air Force One, the President's hi tech airplane and office in the sky, will shortly be repainted in the prominent Burberry check and renamed 'Chav Force One' following the signing of the deal late last night.
The White House liked the size of the Burberry cheque
It's understood that the Presidential Seal which adorns the side of the plane will remain untouched, the only external part of the plane which will be left as it is.
The interior, mostly leather and plush upholstery at this stage will also get a makeover, and it's understood that President Bush's Sesame Street duvet will be replaced by something from the Burberry homefurnishings department.
Not the Presidential Seal, but very cute nonetheless
'This is a great deal for Burberry and a great deal for America' a spokesman for the fashion house said. 'Air Force One has always been a symbol of pride for the American people with Chav Force One the American people have even more to be proud of as we bring together fashion and politics, aviation and haute couture'.
President Bush was not available for comment.
Vice President Cheney was busy strangling a small child.
First came obesity, then heart disease and a surpressed immune system. Now a prominent American scientist has levelled a new accusation at America's Fast Food Industry, alleging that it is the primary cause of a new condition known as Moonlight Masturbation or Sleep Wanking. Mr Damian investigates.
Criticism of the fast food industry is nothing new. In recent years a spate of books, TV shows and movies have accussed the producers of fast food as being responsible for America's growing waist line. However, despite this public passion for suggary caffeine filled junk food appears to be as strong as ever.
To date however none these criticisms have suggested that fast food producers are contributing to a national decline in moral standards, or indecent public - or sometimes private - behaviour.
Sure, some people are offended by seeing a fat person on the beach, but it's not enough to take Ronald McDonald to court. However, a grown man pleasuring himself in public as the result of the chemicals in a happy meal... well, that's a different story.
Great protection from the ozone layer
Morgan Spunklocker, a scientist from New Jeresy recently published a paper which showed that an increased number of people were found to be masturbating in public, often in their sleep, and often claiming to have no control over their actions.
'All the data showed that these people had at some point in the previous 12 hours consumed a fast food product of some description' Spunklocker told us, 'the evidence is irrefutable.'
However, Jo Arnold from the Virginia Fast Food Associate Traders a lobbying group known as VFFAT for short, clearly feels otherwise, claiming that there was no evidence for this wild accusation. 'There's no evidence for this wild accusation' he said.
Virginia's Federal Government have agreed to investigate the matter further in a bid to protect the nations burgers and to satisfy the curiosity of the public, many of whom have been woken in their beds and forced to witness horrific scenes of public and private pleasuring in recent months.
Until their conclusions are published in late 2008, consumers are advised to ensure that the only wopper they show off in public is the kind you can buy in Burger King.
Yum! Who wouldn't want to eat this?
Residents of New York City have been asked to take the city's water shortage 'into their own hands'.
City manager Yerin Trauble has created a rule that requires that New Yorkers take a least one 'liquid event' in the shower each day to save water.
With the average flush wasting 3 gallons of water and with 8 million bladders waiting to be emptied the action seems to be a 'no brainer'. Trabule estimates the potential savings would fill 24 Olympic sized swimming pools every day.
This shower was golden, in every way
The new rules will be enforced by taking random samples of toe nail clippings from residents. Lab technicians have devised a simple test that can detect the presence of urea in the nail and change colour accordingly.
A unintended casualty in these water wars is the much maligned asparagus industry which is set to loose $40M each year due to the new regulations. The mayor has banned consumption of the vegetable on the grounds that, as a scientist put it, 'It makes your pee smell really bad'.
There are substantiated fears that the effects of noxious smelling traders on Wall St. could easily cause the fragile stock market to collapse.
The effervescent Mr Trauble was quoted as saying 'We really thought outside the bowl on this one'.
Quite.
Times Square - an asparagus free zone
President Bush is to announce later on today that he will be sending the former Chicago Bears footballer William 'The Fridge' Perry as the US' speacial ambassador to Iran.
Relations betwene the US and Iran have been strained for sometime, with the country cited by President Bush as a supporter of terrorism during his famous 'Axis of Evil' speech.
Many Iranians have feared that after the US led invasion or Iraq that they would be next, a move which world opinion suggests would be deeply unpopular.
In response to these fears the White House have decided to send a special envoy to Iran in order to try to improve relations betwene the two countries and calm down fears of an imminent invasion.
Perry who helped the Bears win Super Bowl XX and was one of the football's most famous pro-bowl lineman on defence, was said to be 'excited about engaging in a different type of defence.'
The Fridge
William J. Perry who was the US Secretary of Defense for four years in the Clinton Administration expressed surprised that he hadn't been asked to take on this important role, but wished his namesake well.
George W Bush was on the john.
Thousands of Catholics from around the world are making their way to Rome in order to pay their last respects to Pope John Paul II before he is laid to rest this forthcoming Friday.
Vatican officials claim that each hour 18,000 people are filing past the pontiff as he lies in state, with an expected two million pilgrims expected in the country by the end of the week. However, whilst press attention is focussed on this public outpouring of grief, behind the scenes a bitter battle is taking place as to who will succeed the late Pope John Paul II to the Papal Seat. Historically, the process is a complicated one, involving all the cardinals from across the globe descending on the Sistine Chapel to vote for their next Pope. This conclave, as it is known, is a tradition which dates back for hundreds of years, and Pope-watchers have been claiming publicly that there is currently no front runner to take up the top post. Until now. |  Red, AND, Dead |
Mr Damian understands that fresh after installing former US Deputy Secretary of Defence Paul Wolfowitz as Head of the World Bank, the White House are now in the process of trying to get US Secretary of Defence Donald Rumsfeld elected Pope.
 Rumsfeld – he could be Pope ‘just like that’ | It’s understood that the President has been campaigning hard for his man, viewing his man as the logical next choice for this important spiritual role. As one Presidential advisor told us, 'being Pope is not just about religion, it’s a political role too, and we see Rummie being Pope as a great way to deliver American foreign policy objectives.’ If he does secure this new role this will mark a real change in direction for a man previously described by Henry Kissinger as ‘the most ruthless man I have ever met.’ Moreover, the move will change the answer to the old adage ‘is the Pope catholic?’ With Rummie in charge nobody will be quite sure. |
Cooper
Donald Rumsfeld once wrestled a grizzly bear to the floor in a crowded public bar.
He is a big fan of the British comedian Tommy Cooper.
Merry Christmas dear reader from all at Mr Damian
We'll be back with more news from 27th December.
An Illinois teenager claims God is communicating through him and his orthodontics Mr Damian reports.
Todd Carter, 14, had braces fitted last week and as a result has found that as a result his bite plate has changed, with the result that now everytime he takes a bite of something he finds the face of Jesus staring up at him.
“It was my Mum who spotted it at first,” Todd said, “and at first we couldn’t quite work out what was happening, but then it turned out that we could see the Lord Jesus in everything I ate – not just soft things like apples, but pizza, chocolate and everything else.”
Todd’s Mother, Janet Carter, admitted that from the word go she knew that this was the Lord talking to her through the power of modern day orthodontics.
“I’ve no idea what the Lord is trying to tell us,” she said “it might be Spanish or something, but I know he’s talking and we’re listening, and when we figure it all out we will do his bidding.”
The Carter’s have decided to prepare themselves for this call to action by selling Todd’s half eaten food on eBay to Christians around the world.
God Bites
Critics have argued that this is a cynical way for a poor trailer park family to fund a trip to Orlando and possibly even a college education, but friends of the family attest to the Carter’s godliness.
“It’s no surprise that God is talking to them,” said one neighbour, “they are good people – they were very good to me when my dog died and they go to Church real regular.”
| This news comes a few months after a spate of similar incidents, including an impression of the Virgin Mary being found in a cheese sandwich and a New York businessman finding that the cream he poured into his coffee at a diner drew “of its own accord” an image of Christ on the cross. The coffee can still be seen at Table 49 at Mountjoys Bar and Grill on Lexington Avenue, where staff are too fearful to clear the table for fear of divine retribution.
Todd Carter’s Democrat voting orthodontist was unavailable for comment, although he is said to think that this whole thing is “fucking messed up.” |  The Virgin Mary was quite toastie in her day |
You can now get everything at an American Drive Thru now, from your McDonald’s breakfast to cash (Drive Thru ATM) or a flu vaccine. In Gatlinburg, Tennessee, there’s even a drive thru wedding chapel.
Here’s ten new types of drive thru all coming to an interstate near you sometime soon:
1. Drive Thru Hunting - kill deer from the comfort of your own car
2. Drive Thru Bowling - show you're the SUV Kingpin
3. Drive Thru Anna Nicole Smith - we wish someone would
4. Drive Thru Hernia Surgery - just recline your seat, this won't hurt a bit
5. Drive Thru Death Penalty - killing inmates in their cars saves taxpayer dollars
6. Drive Thru Exorcisms - now evil has a driver's license and a Chevy Malibu
7. Drive Thru Funerals - pay your last respects from the comfort of your minivan
8. Drive thru Wal Mart - wind down the window & have an immigrant put the groceries in the trunk
9. Drive thru Disneyland - enjoy the thrill of Epcot et al with full a/c and reclinable seating
10. Drive Thru Hooters - no need now to cover your embarassment with a well placed beer towel
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration of this human traffic, Judith Davis writes.
The re-election of President Bush is prompting the exodus among Left leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray and holiday in Texas.
Canadian border farmers say its not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. All illegally.
"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. "The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. I didn't even get the chance to show him my screenplay," he added bitterly.
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.
"Not real effective," he said. "The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and recite the Lords Prayer hundreds of times a day.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies.
"I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada, Vice President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. And we might put some endangered species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out to all Americans, even those whom he'd rather just shoot."
Fifty-five percent of Americans endorse the way that President Bush is running the country according to a new poll undertaken by Mr Damian and the chocolate manufacturer Hershey’s.
 Bush: Good job |
The poll which asked two thousand Americans to rate their leader also showed that fifty-seven percent of US citizens thought that Elvis was still alive, whilst six-one percent claimed to be the victims of alien abduction in the last twelve months.
Bush’s approval rating comes after a difficult start to his second term following the resignations of key personnel such as Colin Powell and Jessica Simpson, and the Secret Services “accidental” assassination of the Thanksgiving Turkey. |
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On controversial social issues, ninety-four percent supported mixed sex marriage, and forty four percent believe that openly straight people should be allowed to serve in the military.
Perhaps the most surprising conclusion was that eighty-four percent of respondents felt that the Irish rock band U2 were "overrated" whilst just twelve percent of respondents claimed to have played Grand Theft Iraq on X-Box Live. |  Nice bazooka's |
US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has announced ambitious plans to turn warn torn Fallujah into “the Vegas of the East”.
With Iraqi Prime Minister Iyad Allawi sitting on her lap, Rice – known as “the warrior Princess” to her friends – spoke of proposals to introduce a large strip of casinos, titty bars and motels as part of a plan to economically reinvigorate the city.
 Rice: "Don’t be a loser, make your dreams come true in Fallujah" |
If the plan comes to fruition it go bring as many as 1,000 new jobs to the area a spokesman said.
Business entrepreneurs Richard “Virgin” Branson and Donald “Trump” Trump have both revealed their intention to bid for the forthcoming casino licences when they are advertised in the new year. Critics however have suggested that residents of the Islamic state may find the overt sex and gambling principles behind the regeneration of Fallujah offensive, a criticism rebuked by the White House. |
| “We’ve spoken to a number of Iraqi exiles” they told us “and they’ve all informed us that our plans will be welcomed with open arms by the Iraqi people. We’re looking forward to bringing the Mid West to the Middle East – Vegas style!” |  Viva Las Fallujah
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President Bush has nominated actress Tori Spelling to be the next education secretary, replacing Rod Paige who stood down earlier in the week.
Spelling, best known for her role as Donna in Beverly Hills 90210, and for only appearing in shows produced by her father, Aaron Spelling, will now assume responsibility for educational policy and delivery across the United States.
The actress appeared undaunted by her new position telling the press “my dogs – Mimi and Leah – and me are very excited about this new role, and so is my father.”
In response, President Bush commented that “I’ve admired this young lady’s work for many years,” before quipping that “it’s about time we had an education secretary who was good at spelling!”
Spelling - more than just an ugly face
The President confirmed that a key challenge for Spelling would be continuing his No Child Left Behind education initiative initially started by Paige, but which ran out of steam after the former secretary accidentally left one of his children behind at the Epcot Centre last summer.
It’s understood that the Paige Boy was brought up by wolves during the eleven-month period between his loss and his being noticed – a piece of parental careless which is understood to have lost Rod Paige his job.
The nation's largest teacher's union, the National Education Association, which had a frosty relationship with Paige, called Spellings' nomination "a great opportunity for the administration to change the tone of its discourse with the education community."
Ms Spelling commented that she had no idea what any of that meant, but again noted that “my dogs – Mimi and Leah – and me are very excited about this new role, and so is my father.”
Shannon Doherty was unavailable for comment.
Following the re-erection (re-election surely Ed) of President Bush, a number of leading lights from the liberal left have announced that they will be leaving the country.
Amongst them, such leading political lights as Bruce Springsteen, Barbara Streisand and Robert Redford have all strongly hinted that they will feel unwelcome in the United States until there is a change of Government.
Meanwhile filmmaker and arch enemy of President Bush, Michael Moore, has outlined 17 Reasons Not to Slit Your Wrists... – a personal statement to suggest that things are not as bad as perhaps they once seemed.
Moore advocates a different type of wrist action
Former James Bond actor Sean Connery has also hinted that he might move back to Scotland as a result until it was pointed out that his virtually tax free living in the Bahamas would not be affected by the result and that it rains a lot in Scotland.
Meanwhile here in the UK Paul Daniels, Phil Collins and Jim Davidson have declared that they will be relocating to the US as a result of the recent election results.
Mr Damian says good luck and good riddance.
With the US Presidential election still officially ‘too close to call’ the incumbent, President Bush, has broken ranks to claim victory – not just of the Electoral College but also the popular vote.
The mood in the Democratic camp is a little harder to discern with aides saying that Senator Kerry is looking rather downcast and glum right now. Mr Damian wonders how this is any different from normal.
Kerry – why the long face? 
Either way, the count has gone full circle for the challengers after exit polls and a 40 year high turnout suggested good news for the contender.
As analysts pour over the data one trend appears to be clear – namely that the Kerry-Edwards push to “get the vote out” has backfired and resulted in more votes for the incumbent. The question on Democratic lips is ‘who are these people’?
Mr Damian can exclusively reveal that the last minute surge in support for President Bush stems from chad-loving satirists and young people. As one satirist told us “we feared for our jobs under a President Kerry. Bush may not get lots of things right, but that’s good for us, if not the country as a whole.”
The SNL Crew
Meanwhile in Ohio a group of students suggested that they voted for President Bush because “Saturday Night Live wouldn’t be the same without him.”
The final results are expected to be announced in 2016.
With polling underway in the US both of the candidates for the US Presidency have already cast their votes. John Kerry voted in his home town of Boston after a breakfast rally in Wisconsin, whilst in a small village just outside of his Crawford ranch President Bush stepped up to the ballot box.
It seemed simple, but according to aides all did not go smoothly in Texas with Bush 'accidentally' voting for his rival - an error which was picked up by a camera crew following the campaign for CNN. Aides laughed off the gaff, with one spokesman telling us that 'the President is so confident of victory he thought he'd give Kerry a gentlemanly hand.'
Local man proves intelligence test should be required prior to voting
In private however, aides admit that Bush put a cross next to Kerry because he didn't want him to win. 'If he had, he'd have put a tick' we were told.
Indeed.
This year's US Presidential election promises to be even more nail biting than the 2004 campaign in which Al Gore lost the White House despite wining more votes than his contender – George W Bush.
Daily polls show the incumbent, President Bush, and Senator John Kerry neck and neck in the race to occupy the West Wing as the nation is split on issues such as abortion, taxation , the war in Iraq and the rebate over whose daughters are more attractive.
It’s an election which, in its splits, has been almost tribal in some areas, with passions high and tempers frequently frayed on the stump and in living rooms across the land.
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For some however their choice of candidate is clear. “I’ve always known I was pro-Bush” said well known womaniser Colin Farrell despite the fact that the Irish lepricorn is unable to vote outside his native Ireland. He then groped one our researcher and then asked if he could “see her ballot box.” Others have found upon closer inspection the official candidates, and Ralph Nader, have not come up to scratch, and are therefore taking matters into their own hands. |
Farrell - always willing to vote in your district |
Not Mr Damian
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Explaining this move the Mayor told us “Mr Damian has done more for this town than Bush or Kerry ever will.” A Bush supporter spoke on condition of anonymity, “I can’t stand him myself, that website uses too many long words. If I want fake news I’ll watch the Fox News Channel.” Devil worshippers from the Main Street Coven were dismayed when they learned that Mr Damian is not “that kid from the Omen films.” but they would vote for him anyway. “The first step is starting is execute the mentally retarded” the group’s leader exclaimed, “we know that is Mr Damian’s top priority.” When it was pointed out that this is actually one of President Bush’s current policies he sacrificed a goat in disgust and left the room. |
• Reinstate Baywatch to peak time TV schedules
• Immediately revoke Ruby Wax’s passport an have her brought back to the U.S.
• Rename the White House the Rainbow House in a bid to appease non-white voters
• Ensure that each school day is not started with a prayer, but with a 2 minute excerpt from Queen’s ‘We Will Rock You’
It’s also rumoured that he will ask Michael Douglas to become Secretary of State for Pensions and insist that Michael Moore remove his head from up his backside in a bid to defeat hot air emissions contributing significantly to global climate change.
With the possibility that maybe, just maybe, President Bush will get re-elected, Mr Damian ponders on what the legacy of a two-term Bush administration will be to our children’s children (c.2045). In their world:
• Crawford Texas has always been the capital of the United States
• Stuff still happens
• Belgium drowned the same time as Atlantis
• So did Florida
• Kyoto Agreement have won Eurovision five times running
• Gordon Brown is still the Chancellor of the Exchequer
• Tony Blair says he will stand down in 4 years time
• Fox News is the White House Press Department
• That kid from The Sixth Sense and AI is Governor of California
• Arnold Schwarzenegger was a politician before he became the voice of Homer Simpson
• McDonalds is the world leading purveyor of fruit and green salads
• Smoking is no longer a fashionable pastime
• Americans have never paid taxes. Unless they’re poor
• Michael Moore is President of France
• Oil in Alaska ran out some time ago
• Oil in US occupied Iraq is still plentiful
• Scooby Doo has just recorded its 500th episode
• There are no gays in the military. None whatsoever
• Cher is on a farewell tour
• So is Dolly Parton
• Osama Bin Laden is playing at Caesars
• Taco Bell still gives you the shits
Do readers have anymore?
MV reveals all...
With just 2 weeks till the US presidential election poll shattering research has once and for all proved what all right wing republicans have always known – Jesus would vote republican.
Mr Damian takes the time to knit together all of the evidence and finally put this thorny issue to rest.
1) Archeologists have recently uncovered an angry letter from the Messiah to authorities. He complains that if the emperor Augustus had not set such an aggressive tax policy his parents would not have traveled to Bethlehem to register and thus, he would not have been born in a stable.
2) “2000 years ago wood was the closest natural resource to petrochemicals and Jesus chose to be a carpenter, this shows us that if he was on earth today he would most likely work in the oil business.“ announced Jack Reno, multimillionaire Texan oil tycoon at his 10,000 acre ranch this week.
3) When Jesus went into the temple and turned the money lender’s tables over he was in fact looking for weapons of mass destruction. Afterwards he accused the money lenders of having the intention to build such weapons and pointed out that just because he didn’t find them it did not mean they were not there.
Jesus: Pro-bush?
4) New evidence proves Jesus was a capitalist and diametrically opposed to welfare. In healing the sick himself he was in fact, paving the way for the current U.S system of health maintenance organisations who administer care to those who can afford it for high profit levels. Research has shown that all of the people that Jesus healed were working and thus had earned the right to be healthy.
5) On examination of the popular biblical quote “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God” the new findings show that it was in fact talking about a recent scandal involving the Roman emperor Bigus Clintus, an intern and a cigar. It seems that the Camel brand of cigars was around in biblical times and this was essentially a misunderstanding. For those less than educated readers the Hebrew translation for ‘Camel’ is of course ‘Camel’.
The republican party has already started producing bumper stickers and 'Jesus Votes Republican' lunch boxes available for order directly from the White House website.
President Bush was recently asked the pointed question “WWJV - What would Jesus vote?” The leader of the free world replied “Republican of course.” When pressed further he began singing an old Genesis song to the crowd “...Jesus he knows me, and he knows I’m right. I’ve been talking to Jesus all my life...”
Maybe the old adage does hold true, the devil really does have the best tunes.
President Bush today asked Nasa to undertake a dramatic search and rescue mission for the man on the moon.
Missing in action. Presumed American.
He told close aides that he was concerned for the man's welfare, and reiterated his policy to ensure that no fallen (American) comrades be left behind "wheresoever that may be."
It's understood that the President's move was motivated after he listened to REM's Greatest Hits twelve times in a row following on from a DVD marathon with his brother Jed in which they watched the whole of Band of Brothers back to back.
A White House spokesman denied that the President's decision was a product of tiredness, telling us instead that "The President believes that REM are sending him secret messages through their music".
When we questioned the wisdom of basing policy on the lyrics of some old - and at times fairly mediocre and overrated - middle aged rock music, we were politely asked to leave by the Shiny Happy People.
The President is currently understood to be Nightswimming in Texecana. He is not losing his religion, and nor is he gardening at night. He is however World Leader Pretend.
Word has reached Mr Damian that President Bush is up in arms over a cultural exchange programme which he fears is “letting screaming homosexuals lose on American soil.”
The exchange programme in question is Camp America, a scheme founded 1969 and one which typically sees 9,000 people a year volunteer in summer camps across the United States.
There’s no evidence to suggest that Camp America participants are shirt-lifters or that they encourage the take up of uphill gardening amongst the American youth with whom they work, but this hasn’t stopped the Homeland Security Department “looking into this very serious issue.”
Initial suggestions have hinted that President Bush would like to see a more traditional exchange programme set up – one which would encompass hunting, Bible readings and the right to carry arms.
“This would be the perfect way to offset the flip-flopping liberalism of other programmes” a spokesman said before he was hunted down a shot by a gun toting Baptist preacher in front of a group of small children.
“It’s what he would have wanted” his family said.
Mr Damian notes with interest the performance of the current President Bush in the inaugural debate between himself and Senator John Kerry – a debate in which the Vietnam vet appeared to put on a much better show.
Sources close to the White House suggest the reason for Dubya’s apparent unease was that he did not recognise his opponent and that this confused him.
“The President was looking forward to debating the issues of the day with Jim Carrey, and had watched all of his films – including Me Myself and Irene several times in the days leading up to the event” our source said, “but the guy standing opposite him looked very different – to the extent that we couldn’t even be sure if it was the same guy who had played Bruce Nolan in the excellent Bruce Almighty.”
It wasn't.
Jim Carrey is 32 and a real life pet detective.
John Kerry was born in 1943 and isn't.
MV our Guns Correspondent writes:
Last week the U.S congress allowed a 1994 ban on assault weapons to expire. One of our researchers had the opportunity to question a congressman about the ban on condition of anonymity.
“We just basically couldn’t arsed with it,” was his immediate response, “we’ve all been pretty busy recently, have you seen the Simple Life 2 with that Paris Hilton? It's fucking brilliant.”
The ban put a cap on the number of bullets a magazine could hold, restricting civilians to just 10 bullets per clip.
“Research has shown that the average American only wants to shoot 6 people, so the limit on magazine capacity is largely irrelevant,” said Daniel Myers NRA president for Boise, Idaho "in fact for some people it's less" he added, before admitting to hovering around the "3-4 margins ... depending on when I last got laid".
Only really hates 5 people...
In the early 90s the U.S. Post Office was held responsible for a number of workplace shootings after it blanketed the country with advertising urging folks to “Get to work and go postal”.
The Canary Islands Tourism Board also attracted similar criticism after an advertising campaign advised people to "go Balearics" a message many illierate people in the Bible-Belt South read as "go ballistic". Most of them are now studying for their PhD's on Death Row.
MV our Washington correspondent writes:
For the third in their series of presidential debates George W. Bush and John Kerry will don sumo suits and face off in front of millions of TV viewers.
All eyes will be on the Whitehouse lawn for the hottest political contest in decades.
Vice presidential candidate John Edwards was quoted as saying that his party "would be able to get in the ring and fight for what is right".
Democrats have spent the weekend drawing attention to news that the president has been forgoing his ritual of running 3 miles each morning in the run up to this important showdown. National Security advisor Condoleza Rice stated that there was no link whatsoever between the Presidential debate and Bush's attempts to bulk up. At a recent press conference she stated "this is so that Dick Cheney can fit into the President's shoes in the case of a national emergency."
President Bush is 5'11 and has a Scottish terrier called Scottie. John Kerry is 6' 4 and doesn't.
Republican politician and founder of the oven chip John McCain has continued to praise President Bush as George Jnr continues his re-election bid.
Following his speech to the main convention on Monday night, the former Vietnamese POW told a group of lobbyists last night that “after myself and John Kerry I can think of no better man to lead this country.”
He then continued by noting that “President Bush has shown that intellect or a lack of coherent political ideology doesn’t get in the way of becoming holding office, just so long as you have money, connections and a famous father. It’s a rousing tale and one which should inspire kids across the Ivy League and in the secret soceities across the United States."
Playing to the gallery McCain concluded by saying that "in our great country anyone can become President, except perhaps Michael Moore."
Indeed.
God Bless America.
As the Republican convention gets underway in New York the talk amongst delegates is all around ‘What will happen to Rummie?’
Slated by the 9/11 report and looking increasingly uncomfortable when questioned by a number of different Senate and Congressional committees it’s widely predicted that if President Bush wins a second term then Donald H Rumsfeld will not be in the cabinet.
Instead, Mr Damian can exclusively reveal that the former Navy pilot, who is also a former White House Chief of Staff and chief executive officer of two Fortune 500 companies, will instead be sold on eBay to the highest bidder in a bid to reduce the National Debt.
“This just shows what a patriot Rumsefeld is" one Pentagon staffer said, wiping a tear away from his eyes.
In 1977, Mr. Rumsfeld was awarded the nation's highest civilian award, the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
Mr Damian notes the total coincidence that on the day of John Kerry’s Democratic convention speech, Geoege Bush’s pals, the Saudis suddenly come to the Presidents rescue with their plan of a Muslim army in Iraq.
Sadly it didn’t quite knock Kerry off the top spot, perhaps aides would have been better off sticking to one of the other ideas on their list. The below is an internal memo passed on secretly to us by a White House tea lady - comments in italics are understood to have been made by VP Cheney.
Ideas for stealing Kerry’s Convention thunder
1) “Capture” Osama Bin Laden (prefer to wait till nearer the election for this)
2) Saddam tops himself (On purpose? Accidentally chokes to death on Jello? Sponsorship?)
3) Castro assassinated by exploding cigar (Hell it’s still a great idea)
4) Ronald Regan dies (Do you guys watch the news?)
5) Tom Cruise comes out (Or any other big Hollywood story)
6) Saudis announce idea of Muslim Army in Iraq (Too obtuse?)
7) Michael Moore explodes (think Monty Python’s Mr Creosote)
8) Alien invasion (Yes! Bush welcomes them in Rose Garden)
9) British Queen abdicates (Likely?)
10) Elvis admits he’s been working in Wal-Mart all along (Yes, yes yes!)
Sensational news from the United States where rumours have been rife that Vice President Dick Cheney will be leaving the Republican re-election ticket.
Despite comments from the White House suggesting that Big Dick will be riding it out, others say that the VP has had enough and is bored of the “same old political scene” and wants to “get his pasty white legs out for the ladies”.
Mr Damian understands that when DC leaves DC he will take up a new career in Paris as a dancer with the Moulin Rouge. This may surprise many as Cheney has always had a reputation for being anti-French, however we understand that it’s precisely because of this that he’s joining the legendary burlesque team.
“Dick really wanted to join the all American Pussycat Dolls” explains a friend “but they wouldn’t have him, even when he threatened to buy them several times over, so he decided to stick two fingers up at them and the American people and decided to join the Moulin Rouge instead.”
Another friend told us “he’s been dancing since his last heart attack and finds it a great way to keep in shape. Larry King and Dick can often be found high kicking their way around town after a few beers.”
Nicole Kidman, Larry King and Ewan McGregor were unavailable for comment.
Political commentators were wondering about the more lively and powerful oratorial skills of US Presidential hopeful John Kerry at the Democratic launch party yesterday.
Kerry who as is famous for being the 'quiet man' of US politics as he is for looking like a character carved out of Mount Rushmore, is said to have been working hard with his advisors on his image.
In fact, Mr Damian can exclusively reveal that the man from Pittsburgh has been receiving vocal coaching from none other than Vince 'Thriller' Price.
It is however unlikely that he will be dueting with Michael Jackson in the near future, as focus groups have suggested that Jackson might undermine Kerry's music credibility.
White House sources have exclusively told Mr Damian that the US President has asked the Hollywood actor George Clooney to be his special envoy to Iraq.
Clooney best known for his roles in ER and as a confirmed bachelor was chosen because of his charm, ease of manner and winning smile. "The President feels that if anyone can win those in-fighting Iraqi's over, then it's Clooney" a spokesman said.*
It's understood that the actor will take up his role in the next couple of weeks. His friends have expressed concern about what will happen to his infamous house pig, but it's anticipated that Lisa Snowden will return to England.
*They've yet to see Batman 4 - Ed
Last night Mr Damian was lucky enough to be at a launch party for former President Bill Clinton's rip-roaring autobiography, the sensationally titled 'My Life' (a title which took him almost as long to come up with as it did to sign all those pardons for his mates during his final days in office).
Coming on stage to the sound of the Foo Fighters version of