The end is nigh
I love London in the summer. It’s such a drab and miserable city the rest of the year, but when the sun comes out the place comes alive. As Markus Randall would no doubt agree, something strange also happens to the city when the sun comes out – everyone seems to be driving convertible cars, and the capital is crawling with attractive scantily clad women. Where are these attractive vehicles (and indeed cars,) the rest of the year I wonder?

Shake Rattle and Roll
In a bid then to shake off my end of summer blues I decided last weekend to listen to lots of cheesy 80s soft rock music. Now some of you may ask how this differs from any other weekend, but this MOR with a purpose – to find the perfect 4 minute overblown masterpieces which would lift the grey clouds from over me.

The soundtrack of our lives
Certain songs then are true summer songs – not only do they remind you of summer, because they probably take you back to a time when you first heard them or when you associate them with a particular time and place e.g. No Mercy Where Do you Go – Sean’s 18th birthday party (July 1997).

These songs transcend time and space to take you back to that happier sunnier times. But some songs however bright and breezy they may be, only work in certain contexts e.g. OMC How Bizarre - works when cruising down to the beach to walk along the sand and eat ice cream, but not when you’re driving down the M4 on a wet Sunday afternoon having been to see the in-laws.

Summer tape
The makers of the esteemed American drama Baywatch seemed to understand this – filling the programme with lots of up beat mid-late 80s MTV classics. Typically these would be songs that would have evoked images of California Dreaming anyway – without the visual aid of scantily clad women running down a sandy beach in slow-mo. But who’s complaining?

Here then is a list of the tracks from my Baywatch tribute album – which also doubles up as the ultimate summer tape (complete with footnotes from where I would use them if I’d been lucky enough to be responsible for the music on this production – or Beverley Hills 90210 for that matter).

The Best Baywatch Summer album in the world… ever! Volume One.

1. Don Henley – The Boys of Summer
2. Bryan Adams – Summer of 69
3. Billy Idol – Hot in the City
Classics. Summer doesn’t get any better than this.

4. Fuzzbox – Pink Pink Sunshine
Played to accompany footage of the girls when they go shopping in the boutiques…

5. Bangles – Walk like an Egyptian
Accompanies an almost identical scene several weeks later. But the change of music makes the audience forget they’ve seen this type of scene before. Clever.

6. Madonna – Into the Groove / Cyndi Lauper – Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
Supports more shopping footage, driving around town in a convertible etc.

7. Europe – The Final Countdown (full length version – with nice 60” intro)
Two young bucks join the lifeguards.

They hate each other and the rivalry between them is fierce.

To make matters worse they both fancy the same person - a pneumatic blonde called Billie.

To decide who’s the best lifeguard and who has the right to woo Billie (who’s indifferent if not unimpressed by the young bucks attention anyway,) they decide who is the best.

They swim out to sea. A storm is brewing. They keep swimming further and further out to sea. The lifeguards watching on the beach are getting worried.

The storm breaks and the waves are huge. Mitch (David Hasselhoff) comes to the rescue in a big yellow boat. He pulls them out, coughing and spluttering.

Soaked and drained, they start to laugh. They realise how silly this futile rivalry was. The boys hug, still laughing. They are now best friends.

Cut to Mitch looking pleased.

8. Huey Lewis and the News – Hip to be Square
For the funny scene when the old guy – let’s call him Ted, goes shopping with the young guns to spruce up his image.

The camera cuts to a changing room curtain. The curtain is dramatically pulled back to show Ted dressed in a hip Hawaiian shirt. He looks ridiculous. Cut to the young guns laughing.

Cut to Ted furiously pulling the curtain back. Repeat sequence 6-10 times.

Conclude with Ted leaving having bought nothing and everybody deciding they love each other just as they are.

9. Tone Loc – Funky Cold Medina / Wild Thing
The Young Guns decide to go out for a night on the town. They don’t want to ask the square ugly one. She finds out and is hurt. So they invite her along anyway.

When she turns up at the fashionable club downtown they don’t recognise her. ‘My God, you’re beautiful’ breathes one of the young men.

This record accompanies her entrance and the jaw dropping reaction of her colleagues – colleagues who now they realise how physically beautiful she is readily accept her into her social group. She’s relieved. Much smiles all round.

Cut to shots of the group enjoying themselves at various points in the evening.

Song fades out as one of the young lads drops our ugly duckling at her home.
He leans over and kisses her. She responds. He moves in for the kill, but she backs away.

‘See you tomorrow’ she says as she gets out of the door.
‘Yeah – see you tomorrow’ he says.

The car drives off.

Close up of the girl breaking into a big smile. ‘Yes’ she says quietly, but excitedly – jumping up slightly and clenching her fists. She turns and walks up the drive to her house…

10. Lovin’ Spoonful – Summer in the City
Older record used at various points to keep the more mature viewers on side.

11. Chris Rea – Let’s Dance
12. David Bowie – Let’s Dance
Can you see what I’ve done here?

13. Frankie Goes to Hollywood – Relax
To support a long pan shot across the beach. Lots of flesh and unfeasibly attractive people everywhere. Improbable breasts everywhere – and that’s just the men.

14. C&C Music Factory – Things that make you go mmmm...
For tracking shot on the boulevard of girls roller skatting past, guys lifting weights and playing basketball…

15. Richard Marx – Hazard
Ted the old guy dies. Cut to close up of one of our heroes. They are crying. Cue record.

Song accompanies flashback footage of hero and Ted together in previous seasons. End with long dissolve into our hero walking desolately along the beach early one morning.

One of the girls comes running up to him and hugs him. ‘I miss him so much’ says our hero.

‘I know’ replies the girl. They hug. Life goes on.

16. Robin Beck – First Time
Young AN Male lifeguard finally gets it together with young AN Female lifeguard.
What took them so long? Accompanies the sunset as they kiss on the empty beach with nothing but the rolling sea and some stray gulls for company.

17. Mister Mister – Broken Wings
Same trick (close ups, crying and flashbacks,) as used when Ted dies - but to mark the mourning of the end of the relationship between Young AN Male and young AN Female.

18. David Hasselhoff – Theme from Baywatch (Bonus Track)
Well, he’s big in Germany...

Posted by damian at 10:17 PM