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• Puppet Sooty says "I was a crack whore"
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WAP Site
I don't know, I just don't know.
A range of personal circumstances meant we were unable to publish *at all* last month.
This month - this week aside - should see normal service resumed,
Mr Damian
We had a day off yesterday, so this is a day late. We hope you don't mind, in return here's a nice picture of me at the beach yesterday.
This week in Mr Damian:
'Snakes On A Plane' threatens to take over the world
and some top tips for you horse racing fans.
Happy betting,
Mr Damian
Lots to do today, so here's the headlines:
Saddam accuses his captors of 'clowning around'
Madonna Fans Behavious Crossed The Borderline
Until next Monday,
See ya!
Mr Damian</strong>
Have to be quick today, lot's going on.
News from the US on the new career of former Spice Girl, Mel B
And if you like a flutter on the horses, our in house expert has his recommendations for the week.
Be sure to share your winnings with us!
Mr Damian
Hello dear reader,
Business as usual at Mr Damian Towers this week:
Exclusive news from Hollywood as Mel Gibson preapres to go to any length to salvage his career.
Some clever people in white coats have wasted your money finding out something we already know.
Happy Reading!
Until next week,
Mr Damian
Better late than never dear reader (apologies about last week btw, we simply forgot,) anyway this week:
and
Top political insight with news of a rebrand for the G8
Until next Monday,
Mr Damian
Okay, so not quite in your mailbox at the start of the working week, but anyway, here it is.
Two top new stories from Mr Damian, both with an American angle this week.
and news of the music/porn scandal rocking the South
Laters,
Mr D
We thought we'd try something a little different here at Mr Damian Towers and move permanently - for a few months anyway - to becoming a Monday morning publication, instead of the current 'mostly Friday' option.
Hopefully this way we can be more consistent in our newsgathering, and in turn you can come into work on a Monday, look at your email, or the website and start the week with a smile on your face.
Or not, as the case may be.
We think it's a good idea. We hope you do too.
Until Monday,
Mr Damian
Sir Bob famously didn't like Mondays
But he does now - and it's all thanks to Mr Damian's change of publication date.
Isn't that nice?
Good Morning Dear Reader,
Another busy week last week meant we weren't able to hitting the printing presses on Friday. So instead, here's a special Monday morning edition instead for your enjoyment.
There's a Mr Damian exclusive about the UK Post Office
... and sticking to these shores we've a round up of the top news from the British Isles over the weekend.
Everything should - all being well - be back to normal on Friday,
Until then, have a good week,
Mr Damian
The usual news from Mr Damian Towers:
An exclusive insight into what's really happening at Guantanamo.
The latest lead stories from across the UK.
And a follow up on an old story about Ginger People which has seen our inbox full of abuse in recent days. Why is that? Your comments please...
Until next week,
Mr 'Grecian 2000' Damian
Dear Reader,
A special Monday / late night Sunday edition to welcome you back to work, after we failed to tickle your inbox last Friday afternoon.
HIGHLIGHTS
If you were too busy to read the papers over the weekend, then fret not, as we've a summary of both the top US and UK news stories.
SMUG
Moreover, Mr Damian also wants to pat himself on his back after this week it was revealed that UK PM Tony Blair was to get his own version of Air Force One, already dubbed 'Blair Force One.'
Long suffering/standing readers will remember that Mr Damian predicted this as early as September 2004. Read our premonition here.
TIP OFF
Top new aggregator site for you all to check out by the way - The Best Satire Awards. Remember to visit, have a look around and vote for Mr Damian in the awards sections.
Cheers awfully.
Until Friday,
Mr Damian
We're enjoying the sun here, and are deeply underwhelmed by the World Cup, but that's probably just us.
Anyway, this week:
We've a little World Cup premonition for you
A sneek peak at Paris Hilton's forthcoming album
And a look ahead at what could be the fastest selling computer game ever!
Until next Friday,
A brief hiatus last week, mainly because I was fending off a barrage of emails about my mini me appearing in the new Omen film, but back again in one piece and minus the tatoo.
This week:
We unveil, as it were, some adult films cumming coming to a top shelf near you,
Until next week,
Mr Damian
Well here we are, the end of another busy week, in fact it's so busy here we're burning the midnight oil to get the latest most up to date news to you.
Footie fans will welcome our scoop about Wayne Rooney - prospects there are looking up, as for our old friend Paul McArseney, well, this week there's another compilation you can buy so we can help the poor fella with his bills.
See you next Friday,
Mr Damian
Ah yes, we forgot last week due to a brief flurry of sunshine to write any news, we were too busy outside toasting the sun with some cheap foreign beer.
3 ways you can tell it's summer in England
1) At least one newspaper will run the headline 'Phew, what a scorcher!'
2) The Evening Standard will always have a picture of a scantily clad child running through the fountains at Somerset House
3) The Sun will have scantily glad 18 yr old gir sat on either Bournemouth or Brighton beach smuggling peanuts under her bikinki.
Of course last week it wasn't really summer, just sunshine, but that's often one and the same thing.
Anyway, this week it's rained and we're too busy and too depressed to report much news. We are however busy raising money for the poor scouser Sir Paul McArseny, as it looks like he's about to get a whole lot poorer.
So we encourage you dear reader to buy The Best Paul McCartney vs Heather Mills Album in the World...Ever! - find out the tracklisting here.
Happy Alimony,
Mr Damian
Well the end of another busy week, although Mr Damian is disappointed not to be appointed to the British Cabinet in the recent reshuffle. Nevermind.
Some top showbiz news for you this week
Plus an update from your favourtie US State and mine, Kansas.
I also owe you a few quick apologies following some recent typos.
A recent article which read 'Disaster planners to separate sex offenders, melons' should have read 'Disaster planners to separate sex offenders, felons' - news that US Officials are working on a plan to route convicted sex offenders and felons to alternate shelters during hurricane evacuations in order to keep them away from the general public. No melons or other summer fruits are thought to be involved.
Meanwhile 'Science degrees threaten - MPs' should have read 'Science degrees threatened - MPs' - a reference to the fact that recent report into Unviersity Science courses suggested a decline in interest amongst students. The only thing that threatens MPs is quadratic equations and non-inflation linked pensions.
Hopefully we'll be more accurrate next week,
Until then,
Just off for a drink, so here's the headlines:
Can you tell I'm in a hurry? Till next week dear Reader,
Mr Damian
Afternoon All,
Server now back and running although there's still some chocolate stodge in the system so we're maybe not quite running at full capacity just yet.
Anyway, here's this weeks slice of news for you:
We find out all about the new markets The Gap are moving into.
More deliquent youth horror stories that Daily Mail readers will just love.
We're all off now to toast the Queen and discuss the pros and cons of Republicanism over a swift half or two.
Until next Friday,
HRH Mr Damian
Well spotted dear reader, there was a not so Good Friday in Mr Damian Towers after our server ate too much chocolate and went into meltdown.
We hope that normal systems and waistlines will be restored by *this* Friday.
Until then thank you for bearing with us.
Mr Damian
Top stuff this week, with some longer stories than we've had in a while:
Scientists find proof of Global Warming in Antarctica
Queen (HRH not the band,) in Bird Flu Threat
and we've an update on your favourite celeb and mine - the Hoff.
Until next week, we're off now to read the Gospel Accoriding to Judas and see if we can persuade him to take Dan Brown to court next,
Mr Damian
So after a a couple of weeks absence climbing Mayan ruins in Guatamala and enjoying the beaches of Belize, Mr Damian is back!
I spend a few days in the USA where I look at the big new shows that will be hitting the TV screens after Easter.
Other than that since I got back Mr Damian has been keeping his ample nose to the ground, garnering the latest music gossip.
That's it for this week, now I'm back in the country news gathering next week which be much more action packed,
Mr Damian
Due to some malicious rumours being spread by rival sites about my cooking, and the untimely death of former Serbian President Slobodan Milosevic, Mr Damian has escaped to take refuge in Central America for a couple of weeks.
The next weekly news installment will be on Friday 31st March 2006.
Until then enjoy the archives, and avoid the salmon mousse.
Mr 'Not Guilty' Damian
Greetings Pop-Pickers,
Busy week here at Mr Damian Towers, here's what we have your delectation.
Glitter goes down - and this time it's legal
Official: Westminster Media 'Top of the Tossers'
Have a rocktastic weekend,
Mr Damian and his number one Groupie
Hello and welcome to everyone who's found this site as a result of a the excellent David Gilmour blog.
Do have a look around and I hope you enjoy what you see and read.
A special note to American readers, the news you see on this site isn't real. I make it up for my own entertainment and that of my reader.
Don't take it too seriously, there isn't really going to be a West End musical about Saddam Hussain's life for example, and Puppet Sooty has, to the best of my knowledge, never taken crack.
Although, as always, I stand to be corrected.
Mr Damian will be back on Friday, until then Shine On You Crazy Diamonds.
Mr Damian
David at the Strat Fest in a very cold Wembley Pavillion
Well Dear Reader,
I was hoping that it was going to be a busier week, but then I got suspended from the Evening Standard for making a Ken Livingstone joke, and it's been downhill from there.
There's some music news and the usual entertainment gossip this week, who knows what else will happen over the next seven days.
Dont' forget you can sign up to Mr Damian so that you can get the latest news in your inbox every week. I know we told you this before, but this time it's really working, honest.
Goodbye my ship mates,
Mr Damian
Like Captain Pugwash we've never had a problem with Seaman Staines.
There is no Mr Damian this week so bugger off.
Come back this time next week when I've something to say.
Oh, okay, there is some news to share this week, all the backstage gossip from the Brits, but we're too busy trying to get rid of the groupies to tell you anything else.
Au Revoir,
Mr Damian (and satire groupies)
Greatings news-pickers.
This week:
Cartoon Protests Continue - is the Beano next?
Flash threatens to take on Ming in Lib Dem race - it makes more sense when you read it...
And of course all the latest celeb gossip that you don't get elsewhere.
Until next week,
For medical reasons (I was having my funny bone checked,) there was no Mr Damian last week, but normal service (the funny bone is fine, although I've still got a strange rash and a burning sensation when I pee,) will resume on Friday.
The boffins here at Mr Damian Towers have been busy creating a new tool to increase your pleasure of Mr Damian.
Now, you don't just need to log on to the website to get your weekly fix, you can have it sent direct to your email.
To sign up - just click here and be sure to provide us with your email address, Mother's Maiden Name, Date of Birth, and your registered addresses for the last five years.
See you Friday,
Mr Damian
Mr Damian and erstwhile contributor Mr Sean
A busier week this week, like the rest of the country we've been watching lots of Celebrity Big Brother, seeing how George 'Man of the People' Galloway managed to slowly but surely isolate himself not just from his housemates, but also the country as a whole.
Meanwhile, bets are very much on when it comes to looking at who will take over as the England Football Manager after we exposed Sven for the Swedish fraud he was.
Finally, the whole UK Liberal Democrat Party admitting to being gay, after Simon Hughes and Mark Oaten led the way. Expect them to change their party colours from yellow to pink sometime in the near future.
Until next week, adios amigos,
Mr Damian
Well, there was no news last week because nothing newsworthy happened.
Nada.
Nothing.
Not a sausage.
Bugger all.
This week however is different.
The historic Irish city of Cork is set to be blown up by the Americans.
Tony Blair looks likely to relagalise fox hunting, but only in London.
And of course we've got the full round up of the media and entertainment gossip.
Until next week, stay vigilant.
Mr Damian
Hello Dear Reader and a Happy New Year.
It's been a quiet week for news at Mr Damian Towers although we've two exclusives for you:
A look at the top news stories coming up this year in the US
and Fatboy Slim tells us about how he nearly died after a waterside slip.
Next week will the new flow will no doubt be heavier, so current affairs tampons at the ready.
Finally a quick note to IE users, this site seems to be playing up unless you've got Firefox/Mozilla, so what better excuse is there for you to update your web browser?
Indeed.
Happy January!
Mr Damian
The Other Mr Damian
That hangover lasted longer than any of us thought...anyway, here's the New year edition of Mr Damian - enjoy!
Compilation Albums - The Best Tony's Got To Go Soon, Surely, Album in the World Ever... IV
Media & Entertainment - Top Dozen Most Anticipated Prequels for 2006
Music - Donovan to make music comeback
Happy New Year!
Due to a dog of a hangover, the even more festive than last week, version of Mr Damian will published tomorrow, Christmas Eve.
What a week it's been...
Sport: Kelly Holmes unveils active retirement plans
Science: Big Computer Virus Set To Hit This Christmas
America: Top Ten Adult Rentals from Bonkbuster Video this week
UK News: Christmas Caption Competition
Quick Xmas Question...
Is your news provider giving you a bum deal when it comes to world news?
If your news looks like this, but you want it to look more pert, more rounded, more even, then switch to Mr Damian today!
This is how the world looks to Mr Damian
America: American News Round Up
Music: All the latest gossip from the world of pop
Media & Entertainment: Happy Clapping craze sweeps Hollywood
Keep your eyes out for a bumper festive edition next week...in the interim, here's a special Christmas joke to keep you going...
'It is Christmas Eve and a man is on a rooftop about to jump off. Why? Well, his wife is leaving him for another man, he has lost his job and he owes thousands of pounds to the bank...
Just as he finishes his prayers and closes his eyes, ready to jump,
Father Christmas taps him on the shoulder:
'Are you OK?' asks Father Christmas.
The man explains why he is so miserable and gets ready to jump.
'Stop!' shouts Father Christmas. 'It is Christmas, so if you don't jump I will grant you 3 wishes to solve all your problems, all I ask for in return is one small favour.'
The man agrees, so Father Christmas promises him that:
1. When he goes home he'll find his wife dressed in her sexiest underwear, begging for forgiveness and even up for a threesome with her fit mate.
2. When he goes to work the next day his salary will have increased by 50% and nobody will have any recollection of his sacking.
3. That when he goes into his bank his accoutn will be $10,000 in credit with all debts wiped out.
'That sounds perfect' said the man. 'So what do I have to do in return?'
Father Christmas asks the man to drop his pants and bend over. After a quite brutal rogering, which made his eyes water a little, Father Christmas asks the man how old he is.
'36' he replies.
'Ho, Ho, Ho, You're a bit old to believe in Father Christmas aren't you!?' chuckled the fat gay b*stard in a fancy dress costume.
America: Judge Judy speaks out about the US Supreme Court fiasco.
Media: & Entertainment All the latest from the world of showbiz.
Music: Orville and Kelly tipped for Xmas No1 - it's flying off the shelves...
World News: Scientists Chew Over New Cancer Cure
UK News: MOD to investigate soldiers passion for water sports
Keep abreast of the nudes next and every Friday only with Mr Damian
We're all off to join Nelson Mandela and Bill Clinton at Mark Thatcher's "Get Out Of Jail Party" in Cape Town.
Sadly his mother, Lady Thatcher, wont be able to make it, which is something of a shame, as we were hoping to chaperone her, but she did leave us this lovely message.
Until Monday...
Makes you feel proud to be British doesn't it?
The town of Poughkeepsie which had previously honoured MrDamian by giving him the freedom of the city, well town anyway, has today withdrawn that honour.
Speaking exclusively to MrDamian, the Mayor, Janet Barker said she was "disappointed that Mr Damian has sought to make light of a tragic natural disaster which killed some 150,000 people," a reference to an earlier article on the celebrated news site.
Agreeing that this was perhaps an example of poor taste, MrDamian agreed to hand back the key of the city in a special defrocking ceremony later on this month.
He will however be able to still keep the hand towels which he stole from the Holiday Inn, and has been guarenteed safe passage out of the city before his legs are broken by a bunch of rabid Hells Angels.
Poughkeepsie - still the place to be, despite Mr Damian
Following extensive user research in the town of Poughkeepsie, Mr Damian has recently relaunched with a new design and full WAP capability.
As a result we're all off to the pub to get lamped.
More stories tomorrow.
Mr Damian
Many thanks to everybody who entered our September competition. The answers were:
1. Six inches
2. Flaccid
3. External Use Only
4. Bush
5. Prolapsed
6. Dehydration
7. Turn every 20 mins till golden brown
8. Best eaten with cream
9. Cottaging
10. Michael Winner
The winner, a Mr R Clarke from Nottingham, wins the bullet proof vest (complete with certificate of authentication) worn by President Bush at the last televised Presidential debate.
Well done Mr Clarke.
MV writes:
The illustrious creator of mrdamian.com, Mr Damian, was honoured today by the Mayor of Poughkeepsie.
Janet Barker presented Mr Damian with the keys to the city as a thank you for revitalising the region. "Our humble little town was mentioned in four articles and suddenly became the place to be in the tri-state area."
Barker beamed as she stood outside City Hall. She continued, "Tourism is up 300% and house prices have climbed to all time highs - all thanks to your and your wonderful blog."
The Place To Be
The reclusive Mr Damian was modest about his role in the turnaround, conceding "I haven't even been given so much as the key to a bathroom before."
The Mayor used the event as an opportunity to blast President Bush on the economy sighting his "slash and burn" approach. Her comments were hurriedly withdrawn after it was discovered that the President's economic adviser was suffering from a near fatal urinary tract infection.
We've been working with the well known creatives The Design Conspiracy to discuss a rebrand for this website. Initial findings suggested changing our name to:
"IURO"
with the new tagline:
"Responsive To Others Greed"
What do you think? As you know Mr Damian values the opinions of its reader.
Simon, please send your comment to the usual address. Thank you.
• Mr Damian, w/c Monday 21st August 2006
• Mr Damian w/c Monday 14th August 2006
• Mr Damian week commencing Monday 7th August 2006
• Mr Damian week commencing Monday 31st July 2006
• Mr Damian week commencing Monday 17th July
• That Friday Feeling
• Mr Damian week begining Monday 10th July
• Mr Damian for weekending 30th June 2006
• Special 'Just Another Manic Monday, (I Wish It Were Sunday, That's My Fun Day)' Mr Damian
• Mr Damian for weekending 16th June 2006
• Mr Damian weekending Friday 9th June 2006
• Mr Damian weekending 26th May 06
• Mr Damian weekending 19th May 06
• Mr Damian weekending 5th May 2006
