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Once upon a time
Not so long ago
There was a little girl and her name was Emily
And she had a shop
There it is
It was rather an unusual shop because it didn't sell anything
You see, everything in that shop window was a thing that somebody had once lost
And Emily had found
And brought home to Bagpuss
Emily's cat Bagpuss
The most Important
The most Beautiful
The most Magical
Saggy old cloth cat in the whole wide world
The opening words of one of the most popular 'fly on the wall' documentaries ever.
Over a number of years viewers around the world were transfixed by the adventures of Bagpuss his friends Professor Yaffle, Madeleine, Gabriel, a group of high pitched Mice, and of course Bagpuss' off screen relationship with what the saggy old cloth cat called 'his Emily.'
But now it seems the relationship between the two has turned sour, with unnamed sources close to the couple claiming that the relationship is 'all but over'.
The main cause is allegedly Bagpuss' incessant sleeping.
'Emily's a young girl and she wants to do what young girls do, go out, party, drink alco pops, that kind of thing. All Bapuss seems to want to do is sleep, and that's not really in line with where she's at right now.'
The couple are said to have rowed repeatedly, the last one apparently curtailed by the fact that in the middle of it Bagpuss gave a big yawn, and settled down to sleep.
'That was the final straw,' said a close friend.
And of course when Bagpuss goes to sleep, all his friends go to sleep too. The mice were ornaments on the mouse-organ Gabriel and Madeleine were just dolls. And Professor Yaffle was a carved wooden bookend in the shape of a woodpecker.
Even Bagpuss himself once he was asleep was just an old, saggy cloth cat Baggy, and a bit loose at the seams.
But Emily loved him.
Or at least she did. Whether she still does or not remains to be seen.
Grainy Pap shot of Emily
The Big Bad Wolf had neither the lung capacity nor the ingenuity to blow the house down a leading scientist claimed today.
Reginald Foreskin, an American scientist from Nevada, has spent the last four years in a laboratory seeking to prove the validity of an insurance claim made by three little pigs.
His findings show beyond reasonable doubt that the pigs story - which has enjoyed worldwide press coverage - is little more than a fabrication.
Dr Foreskin, who regularly undertakes paid work by insurance companies to test the validity of claims told Mr Damian how we had over the last 48 months 'constructed hundreds of houses from a variety of different building materials' and worked with 'literally dozens of wolves' in order to test the authenticity and likelihood of the claim.
In each instance, the house stood firm and the wolves seemed more interested in howling at the moon and reading Jack London novels.
'I'm afraid they're story fell down like a pack of cards' the good Dr told us, 'which is more than can be said for their house. Whatever happened there, I can't see that wolves were the culprits.'
Rumours now point to a failed high school chemistry experiment, a faulty domestic gas appliance or woodworm.
The Department for Homeland Security has said that 'it cannot be ruled out that the pigs were part of a terrorist cell, and that their bomb making plans just simply went wrong.'
It's understood that the Three Little Pigs will appeal, even though they have little grounds in which to do so.
Lying Pigs
Everyone knows the story:
But now a retired policeman has suggested that Humpty didn’t fall, he was pushed, and has asked for the police to investigate.
John Talker, a former member of London’s Metropolitan Police force made his allegation at a local nursery, previously attended by his grandchildren, and where he was now volunteering a couple of hours a week to read stories.
“The children were all very upset,” said their teacher, Tara Watkinson, 32.
“If this is true, then it changes everything” said Charles Clarke the new Home Office Minister. “Children have been told this story for decades, and if it now emerges that this story is false, and that there has been a giant miscarriage of justice, well, it’s our duty to remedy it.”
Critics suggested that the Government had over-reacted to the story and that they would be better served dedicated resources elsewhere, even the man who made these startling claims doesn’t base them on anything concrete.
“It’s just a feeling” he said, “I’m not sure of the motive, or indeed the culprit, but I know I’m right.”
We shall see. Either way, until this matter is resolved debate will no doubt rage across the land as to whether or not Mr Dumpty’s unfortunate death was a tragic accident or something more sinister. Only time will tell….
With the pressure mounting on the UK Government to ban junk food advertising targeting children, MV and DR reveal that a health crisis which could potentially impact on children across the globe.
Mr Damian understands that several Harley Street doctors have expressed private concern that the popular children’s TV characters, the Teletubbies, are suffering from potentially death inducing obesity and that their lifestyle may well be a contributing factor to children suffering from the same condition.
Tinky Winky, Dipsy, La La and Po are all technically obese with body mass indexes well above 30 and this is not due to being big boned or muscle mass. It is, in large part down to a reasonably sedentary lifestyle which involves lots of sleep and watching TV's encrusted in one another's tummies.
 Too tubbie? |
"I dread to think what that does for the kidney" one Doctor said, visibly shuddering, “this is another worrying indictment on the TV oriented society, we knew that kids having televisions in their bedrooms was dangerous, here we have 4 individuals with them embedded in their stomachs. The results should chill every parent to the core.”
In a separate move nutritionists also highlighted the high trans fat content of Teletubbie Tustard [sic]. "It's full of sugar and has little nutritional value, if indeed any at all," according to Patrick Holford from the Institute of Optimum Nutrition. |
Doctor Phatt Arss lamented that “Dipsy is in the worst shape with high blood pressure and diabetes meaning he will not live past 40 unless drastic steps are taken.”
While the Teletubbies also spend a reasonable amount of their jumping in and out of holes in the ground and running around to look at the sun, health experts warn this is not enough.
"You need to do more than just a bit of cardio vascular work" we were told "especially on such an unhealthy diet, I'd like to see them do a bit a weight work each week - even doing their own hoovering would help, although I understand that Noo Noo might be a little put out by this."
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The doctor did concede however that Po was in the better shape than others and attributed it to a worrying pattern of abuse in the Teletubbie family. The good doctor explained, “I think he has to move quickly to avoid getting caught, he’s a wily little bugger.”
As a result, the decision has been made my a combination of overpaid medical advisors to put the flabby four on the Atkins diet. It was a decision not taken lightly by the tubbie’s production team, a spokesman said “we don’t want to get egg on our face here, but at the end of the day the Teletubbies really bring home the bacon for this company.” Indeed, let's just hope that bacon isn't cooked in hydrogenated vegetable oil. |  Doctor Who? |
It was to be the trial of the century, (probably because we’re only four years into it – Ed) - the RSPCA v Mr Punch – the crocodile abuser from Chorley Wood.
Yet news has reached Mr Damian that the two parties have achieved an eleventh hour out of court settlement which will see Mr Punch issue a public apology for his actions as well as record a number of infomercials on Crocodile matters with famous crocodile celebs Steve Irwin and Paul ‘Crocodile Dundee’ Hogan.
Dundee & Irwin
The penetration is deeper this way
Mr Punch, who after initially protesting self defence dramatically changed his stance after damning video evidence was shown on primetime news shows across the world, is currently said to be in hiding. His agents said that he is currently considering how to balance the commercial opportunities afforded by his new found fame, with appropriate amounts of contrition and charity work.
Guilty as sin - the famous incident
It was recently announced that Mr Punch will serve a five year term as Walls Sausages new goodwill ambassador promoting sausage welfare issues throughout the world.
Don't just have ears you know....
A shame faced Sooty, known to millions worldwide as the star of The Sooty Show broke down in tears earlier today and confessed that the trappings of stardom had led to to a £500 a day crack cocaine habit. The star looked yellow and jaundiced as he talked exclusively to Mr Damian from a secret location in North London.
Puppet
Sooty recounted how after years of almost non stop acting work he felt he was beginning to lose control of the direction in which his career was heading. "I began to feel that I was just a puppet for other peoples ambitions" he said.
In a bid to alleviate the pain he was going through, he turned to crack cocaine. This extraordianry cry for help was soon costing him £3500 a week. As his work began to suffer he was suspended from work the RSC, and a guest spot in EastEnders was also lost.
Friends
His friends Sweep and Sue, worried that their friend might become depressed and suicidal, sent him to the Bernard Mathews rehibilittaion clinic in Norfolk. After three months of "cold turkey" treatment he has beaten the habit, ready to face the world again and reclaim his place in the pantheon of family entertainers.
Tough Life
Sooty is just another in a long line of household names who have resorted to illegal susbtances in a bid to cope with the pressures of wealth. "All those women, fast cars, villas in Marbella... it was just too much".
Arse fondler
His former manager, puppet arse fondler Matthew Corbett said: "I'll have the lasagne with a bottle of the house red." We've a feeling he was talking about something else.
The Future
A spokesman for the Commuter Theatre in Woking said that as long as he brought a letter from his mum, there was no reason why Sooty would not be able to appear in panto as Buttons this Christmas opposite Linda Lusardi.
Sooty is eight inches tall and made of old cloth.
Notice of correction
*NB: In an earlier edition of this story we referred to Mr Corbett as a "puppet arse fondler." We did of course mean a "popular arts funder". Apologies to all concerned.
• Humpty Dumpty: A Tragic Accident, Or Murder?
• Teletubbies go on Atkins
• Case against Mr Punch dramatically collapses
• Puppet Sooty says "I was a crack whore"
