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• Top 10 Ways To Freak People Out In Your Office
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Binge drinking 'worst in north'.
No shit Sherlock!
Read all about it here.
In January 2005 Mr Damian revealed that: "Italy has called for Ginger people to be banned after research scientists discovered that Ginger people were found to be up to 50% more ugly than those who were non-ginger."
For some time this has been the most popular story in our archives, but now the Ginger people are fighting back. This week one reader wrote:
"WHY DON'T YOU JUST FUCK OFF AND DIE
IM FED UP WITH PRICKS LIKE YOU TAKING THE PISS OUT OF PEOPLE WITH GINGER HAIR, DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT THE AMOUNT OF KIDS GETTING BULLIED, SELF HARMING AND ATEMPTING SUICIED EVERY DAY BECAUSE OF THE CONSTANT ABUSE THEY GET.
LIFE IS HARD ENOUGH WITH MP'S, TAXES AND KNOB HEAD CRIMINALS.
IT MAY SEEM LIKE HARMLESS FUN TO PEOPLE LIKE YOU BUT WHEN I WAS GROWING UP I THOUGHT ABOUT KILLING MY SELF BECAUSE OF THIS KIND OF BULLSHIT. I HOPE I NEVER HAVE THE CHANCE TO MEET YOU.
YOURS SINCERELY
A PISSED OFF MAN."
Whilst another commented:
"I just read ur article and im a red head. I think this article is a load of shit!!! I am a 20 yr old student hu has never had any problems wiv pullin the ladies!
So why don't u take this shit off the net it is not at all nice to people with red hair, having red hair is better than being brown or black, or any other colour that the majority of the world has it is a case of us being unique and people need to recognise that guys n gals wiv red hair are proud of it and that girls or guys love red hair as much as ya plain and boring browns n blacks.
If you was any kind of decent person you would remove this load of bollocks because at the end of the day it is as bad as being racist against black people so think carefully about that and make a wise choice!!!!!!!"
What do you think dear reader, is this akin to racism? Did Mr Damian go a step too far, or was the article perfectly valid? Why is Mr Damian getting comments now, and not 18 months ago when the 'research' was first revealed?
Comments please to the usual address.
As the press reports that computer hackers are preparing one of the biggest attacks on the Internet ever attempted this Christmas, Mr Damian has all the latest news on how to protect your PC from being infected from Trojan and spyware programmes, as well as advice on what to do if you find your computer does have a virus.
| Firstly, be sensible with the sites you visit, the emails you read and forward on, as well as those you reply to.
In particular: 1. Gentlemen, material from those sites selling personal growth products, you know the ones we mean, don't work. And the sites are dodgy too. 2. No you didn't enter the Nigerian Lottery and simply forget where you put your ticket. You didn't enter. You haven't won. Get over it. Don't reply to the email. Idiot. 3. The sex/love/money fairy won't visit you if you forward this message to six friends. |  Computers get ill too |
If you are going to do such a thing, get a firewall, anti spyware program and up-to-date anti-virus services in place, these are usually free, and if you don't know what any of these things are you should take your computer back to the store and ask for your money back as you clearly don't deserve to have one.
Nor should you be allowed to procreate or vote, but we don't have much say on that one, so there you go.
| If you find that your computer does have a virus, make sure that you keep your machine warm and give it lots of fluids. You may also want to call out a Doctor, but be warned, this can take time especially over busy times such as Christmas.
|
Busy boy
And if you do get a new PC this festive season, remember a computer is for life, not just for Christmas, so do take good care of it.
More than 2.5 million men in Britain could be firing blanks, a new report claims. The research by a group of 30 something women desparate to have children revealed that 9% of the UK's 28.5 million men might have difficulty conceiving. Another 19% have committment issues and 12% prefer not to talk about it.
The group spoke to Doctors across the country who expressed concern that declining male fertility would add to ageing population issues, with many blaming smoking, alcohol and late night kebabs for the trend.
'Sperm quality and number have declined in the last 30 years' according to Rita Cuckold, a tester for the manufacturer Durex, 'although when you say that to men you tend to get a mouthful,' she added.
Male infertility accounts for about a third of couples' problems conceiving. The other two thirds tend to be the result of frigid bitches, bad perms or Bacardi Breezer damaged follopian tubes.
It's sperm that counts not votes
Weakest Link presenter Anne Robinson said: 'The results of this survey are shocking and should be a wake-up call to men and women that drinking and smoking too much not only gives you a bad headache in the morning but can affect your ability to start a family.'
Even Fergie's partial to a Jaffa
Robinson also suggested that the popular snack, Jaffa Cakes, could also be contributing factor with over half the respondents commenting that this was their preferred pick me up before endulging in a spot of hide the sausage.
Dr Douglas Douglas, clinical spokesman for McVities who make the popular cake/biscuit (that's still in dispute with the VAT Man) said: 'That's bollocks.'
'Discovering you have a fertility problem has a devastating effect on people's lives and many people turn to a sugary orange and sponge snack as a way to get over it. Any steps which couples can take to minimise the chances of suffering infertility such as giving up smoking and cutting down on alcohol should be encouraged.'
Dr Douglas is currently childless and has been for the last 64 years.
NASA has grounded its space shuttles until further notice and threatened to sue the popular DIY chain Home Depot as a result of problems with the current Discovery shuttle mission, NASA's janitor told Mr Damian.
Pieces of debris tore away from the shuttle Discovery during liftoff last Tuesday - despite NASA spending hundreds of millions of dollars on grouting, superglue and wallpaper adhesive in a bid to prevent a repeat of the problem that caused the 2003 Columbia disaster.
Ah, there's Waldo
Publically NASA are claiming the mission will not be compromised, but insiders claim the agency is already looking for a fall guy.
A spokesman for the DIY chain laughed off our suggestions that NASA had used their products on the shuttles, stating that they were designed for 'domestic, rather than inter-planetary' use.
However a NASA mole revealed that recent cutbacks had meant that staff had needed to be innovative in the use of materials they used for the multi-billion dollar space programme.
'Let's face it, Home Depot is good value, whether it's the right place to buy parts for the Shuttle remains to be seen.' Indeed.
He may not be smiling for much longer
A prominent Doctor involved in an organ implanting scandal will be struck off later today according to the General Medical Council. Mr Damian investigates:
Professor Dick Van Dickie, 52, worked at Whey Hey Hey Children's Hospital in Birmingham where he enjoyed a reputation for clinical excellence and innovation.
However, many feared that he betrayed that reputation and the trust placed in him when he ordered the removal of organs from churches up and down the UK, only to then insert them into the bodies of small children.
Inserted
As a result, the General Medical Council (GMC), is expected to order that he be struck off the UK medical register. The doctor however was not present at the hearing as he was playing golf at the time.
A spokesman for the victims told us: 'He practised out of the boundary and he was out of touch with people's feelings. His reckless conduct has caused great distress to the parents of the children that were involved, as well as many churchgoers. He needs to be punished.'
Stolen
Earlier in the hearing, the panel had been told how he took the organs without the consent of the childrens' parents, or the clergy.
One parent told us that whilst the Doctor had saved her life after suffering punctured lungs, she now inadvertantly ended up playing the wedding favourite 'Jesu Joy of Mans Desiring' whenever she breathed heavily - for example after a run, or if she had a heavy cold.
Andrew Collander QC, counsel for the GMC, said these actions had caused parents and the Church of England 'considerable and understandable distress'. A full decision is expected to be announced this afternoon.
Doctor, doctor, can't you see I'm burning, burning
Oh doctor, doctor, is this love I'm feeling?
Two hydrogen atoms meet.
One says 'I've lost my electron.'
The other says 'Are you sure?'
Do which the first replies 'Yes, I'm positive.'
Sorry. Normal service resumes tomorrow, with communion at 9am.
Please bring your own wafers.
Office life can be dull and boring, so here's ten tips to keep everyone, including you on your toes. Scientifically proven to help you live longer.
Mr Damian's Top 10 Ways To Freak People Out In Your Office
1: Send emails to everyone in your address book telling them to ignore your last message, the problem is now solved.
2: Have a picture of a random wife and child on your desk, then when you're quizzed about them confess you don't know who these people are.
3: Wear fancy dress every friday.
4: Eat your packed lunch on the john.
5: Change your name daily.
6: Change your name to daley.
Learning to dance like Brent is so 2004
7: If you write with your right hand, takes notes in meetings with your left hand. Your writing will be big, slow, and childlike - and if anyone gives you a funny look point out that you're learning to write left-handed 'just in case'.
8: To enable you to do this - have a glove puppet on your writing hand.
9: Genuflect everytime you talk to your boss or they walk past.
10: Start every meeiting you chair with a rousing rendition of the French National Anthem.
New research by the University of Warwick has lead scientists to make a very bold claim, and one which could change the face of our planet. Mr Damian's science reporter, Mr Mark, investigated:
"How would you like to run your car for a week on the peel from one orange?"
This was the question posed by Professor Flange, head of the mechanical engineering department at a press conference this morning.
"The essential oils within orange peel contain a higher concentration of energy than diesel fuel, but until know there was been no cost efficient manner by which to harness the resource. Oranges are unique in their density and unlike the clementine have a higher internal surface area of peel."
The professor proceeded to unveil a machine that appeared to be a cross between a juicer and a home distillation kit which oozed a clear liquid. Standing by was a specially modified Mini Cooper which burned away from the crowd leaving a feint citrus smell in its wake.
Dr Bunsen Honeydew, nothign to do with this story, but we love him nonetheless
Europeans eat an average of one orange every 10 days so an average family of 4 could easily subsist on their own peel alone.
American president George W. Bush was said to be 'mysterified' by the news but said it was good news for his brother Jeb's home state of Florida.
The claim was quashed by a source in the Department Industry a short time later. "This is a clear case of researchers taking the pith."
Italy has called for Ginger people to be banned after research scientists discovered that Ginger people were found to be up to 50% more ugly than those who were non-ginger.
Ginger people and red heads across the country were studied in secret over a two year period by highly qualified boffins. As a result of this clandestine research they were able to reveal that ginger people were less likely to be found sexually attractive by the opposite sex and that more often than not their eyes were too close together. Researchers also found that people were less likely to make eye contact with a ginger person and might even cross the road in order to avoid the likelihood of them being infected with “Gingivitis” a medical condition which turns your gums ginger. |  Scientists |
The Italian Minister for the Inferior, Bilbao Baggio called for tighter controls on ginger people after it was also revealed that they were more likely to be long term unemployed and less likely to pro-create.
"We are a Catholic country," he told us, “and if people are unable to produce masses of healthy offspring we need to consider their usefulness.”
"We need to ensure that ginger levels are reduced and that it vanishes from our environment."
Reassuringly Scientists didn’t find any correlation between eating ginger and being ginger
One Italian TV News channel showed footage of people leaving a nightclub screaming when well known Ginger Lothario Mick Hucknell entered the building, and a survey by pollsters BerniGov showed that 72% of the public were worried about the Italian gene pool being contaminated by ginger genes.
In Tuscany, 28% of all children produced in the last two years were above European Union limits for Gingerness, one report claimed, resulting in Thomas Verdi of the National Association of Consumer Advice Centre calling for all Ginger men and women to be have their sperm and eggs screened for abnormally high levels of gingerness before they were allowed to have children.
 Chris got ugly with us – it wasn’t hard | Ugly ginger people around the world have begun protesting against what they see as yet further discrimination against them. British TV and Radio star Chris Evans called us and said “I’m Ginger, and I’m proud of it. Would anybody dare call me ugly?” Mr Damian did, and as a result we have had to take out a restraining order against the copper knobbed has-been. |
Astute American shoppers will have noticed a new competitor in the battle for diet beverages in recent months - Diet Rite.
A new brand, from the established stable of Cadbury Schweppes Americas Beverages (catchy - Ed) - Diet Rite is a diet soft drink sweetened with Splenda that has zero carbs, zero calories and zero caffeine.
At the same time manufacturers have also ensured that it has zero nutritional value meaning that you can drink it all day, every day, without it having any impact on your waist line.
The product is endorsed by the Atkins foundation, the original proponents of a low carb lifestyle who told us "this is a great product."
However, for Mr Damian after endorsing a product with zero nutritional value, as well as zero carbs, calories and caffeine we wondered what Atkins would advocate next in a bid to help the world beat the bulge?
The answer is air.
"We believe that inhaling the right type of air can make you thinner" an Atkins spokesman told us. "If you live in the country the air that you breath is generally pretty good, but respiration doesn't help burn those unwanted calories," we were told.
"We're thinking of advocating that fat people move to the cities, as all the toxins and pollution in the air make your body work harder to filter the good stuff. According to scientists breathing in poor air may help you burn an extra 500 calories a day. Of course you tie younger, but you die thinner. It's a tough call," they added.
Indeed it is.
Tech giant Google Inc. is boldly going where no ISP has gone before, as it seeks to diversify it's business by embarking into the world of domestic plumbling, MV and DR write.
Following the recent success of Gmail, a free email service that provides 1GB of storage space the company has announced the GLoo, a free toilet and waste analysis toll which uses slightly more storage space and is a little smellier.
Beware - Flushing empties the recycle bin
The commode will be provided free of charge but will analyse waste matter as it is expelled from the body and show keyword based adverts depending on what the user has eaten. The product can even suggest anti-diarrheal capsules or advise a trip to the doctor for a diabetes test.
“This is an idea we have been trying to force out for a long time” said one of the developers, “some of my colleagues joke about this being a one eyed monster, but to me it’s a lot more important than that.”
In response to the news multibillionaire Bill Gates was quick to point out that Microsoft has been working on a similar solution for over a year. The ‘MSN Crapper’ service will be marketed with the slogan: “Even dumps are better with the butterfly.”
Researchers from MrDamian had the pleasure of testing the new Google service on a number of occassions. The first - the initial beta service, had some shortcomings. Our researcher who'd spent the night before at a local curry house was sent links to Amazon.com for the CD Single of Boy George’s 1980s hit Korma Chameleon and an advert for the nearest zoo.
Not chicken curry with pilau rice, but rather fruity none the less.
On the second occassion we had much more success. Mr Damian decided to try and fool the machine by not flushing the chain until both the missus and our youngest daughter had done their business. To this we added some old turds produced by Betsy the dog, as well as the results of a long session with a laminated copy of Hustler.
The results, surprised us all. According to Google, the dog has ringworm, the daughter's a cokehead and the wife is pregnant.
It's not mine.
GLoo did however recommend a good lawyer and an excellent vetinary surgeon, proving once again what good value for money the service really is.
1: Wear a protective body suit at all times.
If you don't have one, improvise with a shower curtain.
If you don't have a shower curtain, steal some chain mail from the British Museum. You'll be able to get away with it as all the security guards will be at home.
2: Only drink bottled water which you have also reboiled a dozen times to get rid of any impurities.
If you can't get hold of any bottled water drink your own urine - at least you know you don't have any biological agents in you, and the great thing with the yellow stuff is that if you keep drinking it, everything cycles back round again, as you can always be sure that there will be more from where that came from.
If you use a small tube and plan ahead you can keep you suit on indefinitely and keep on drinking and pissing (but not necessarily at the same time - if you need a 'number two' we suggest that you use the Governments terror advice pamphlet for wiping purposes).
3: The best source of protein is Spam. Monty Python had it right, we suggest you eat nothing but Spam, Spam, Glorious Spam.
However to avoid contamination make sure you keep the tins inside your protective body suit. This may make the suit a bit heavy, but you will be grateful for it.
4: Stay indoors. Don't go to work on the tube, the bus or by car. Better still, don't go to work. Work remotely, or not at all. Who cares?
5: If you're ever attacked by a grizzly bear, you're advised to play dead so that the bear leaves you alone. Don't fight back. Mr Damian thinks you should treat terrorists like grizzly bears, so make sure you look like a yellow suited morris dancer by carrying noisy bells which you can jangle at all times.
This is guaranteed to scare off even the most hardy suicide bomber. If it doesn't, then pretend to be dead. There's no point in blowing yourself up if you think your target is already dead.
(Of course if you're already dead, then you've arguably already beaten them - so well done all you decomposed ones - you certainly showed those terrorists a thing or two. Well done.)
• Big Computer Virus Set To Hit This Christmas
• Do Jaffa Cakes make you sterile?
• NASA threatens to sue Home Depot
• Organ Doctor fired
• More Science
• Top 10 Ways To Freak People Out In Your Office
• The humble orange to save planet earth
• Official: Ginger people are more ugly
• The Air That You Breathe
• Google tries to capture #1, #2 and everything else
• Top Five Ways To Beat A Terrorist Attack
