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• Puppet Sooty says "I was a crack whore"
• Star Whores III
• Top Ten Burberry Sex Toys
• Does Fast Food Cause Sleep Wanking?
• Burberry to Sponsor Air Force One
• Mr Damian made an OBE
• Top 10 Ways To Freak People Out In Your Office
• Mr Damian encourages readers to knit jumpers for penguins
• Jackson Moonwalks to Freedom
WAP Site
This week's top racing tips, from Captain Scarlett's deadly enemy, and Mr Damian's resident tipster, Mr Ron:
Haymarket, today, 1245
Dead Ringer (14-1)
Camel Hoof (6-2)
Toaster, Tuesday, 1230
Lycra Clad (100-1)
Jeremy Bowen (Evens)
York, Wednesday, 1400
Muffin Top (6-1)
Stagnant Piss (5-4)
Derby, Friday, 1620
Streaky Bacon (12-1)
Flamming Nostrils (24-3)
Nostradamus (6-2)
Newmarket, Saturday, 1500
Clean Bill Of Health (1000-1)
Easy Rider (200-1)
Mercy Fuck (2-1)
The latest on the inside track from Mr Damian's resident tipster, Mr Ron:
Newmarket, today, 1200
Gammy Leg (4-3)
Third Eye Winking (11-1)
York, Tuesday, 1245
Dead Cert (500-1)
Purple Flurry (7-5)
Goodwood, Saturday, 1400
Rabid Monk (6-1)
Hairy Minge (7-2)
Yeovil, Friday, 1715
Scary Princess (6-4)
Random Hottie (9-2)
Genital Herpes (69-1)
Newmarket, Thursday, 1520
Smoker's Teeth (24-6)
Malnourished Seagulls (2-1)
Grandma's Whiskers (12-2)
Mr Damian's resident tipster, Mr Ron, suggests you put your hard earned cash on the following:
Wolverhampton, this Wednesday, 1300
One Track Mind (3-2)
Diphtheria (15-1)
Thirsk, Thursday, 1645
Knackers Yard (6-4)
Luck of the Irish (7-5)
Newbury, Saturday, 11am
In the Closet (12-1)
Cracked Mirror (14-2)
Goodwood, Friday, 1315
Fingers and Thumbs (23-1)
Rich Tosser (9-2)
Dolly Parton (9-5)
Newmarket, Thursday, 1520
Chapped Lips (24-6)
Mouldy Minge (12-2)
Toaster, Tuesday, 1400
Bashed Bishop (69-1)
Random Fluke (Evens)
It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered."
Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by myself-you lads go down the pub."
So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the Brazilian team go off for a few jars.
After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on.
A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by himself!
Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers, "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on."
They put the teletext on.
"Result from the Stadium Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1(Lampard 89 minutes)."
They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!
They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them.
"I've let you down, I've let you down."
"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they only scored at the very, very end!"
"No, no, I have, I've let you down...I got sent off after 12 minutes."
Wayne Rooney will find out today if he is to play a part in England's forthcoming bid for World Cup glory when he get's the result of a recent scan.
The whole nation has been gripped by the plight of the strikers metatarsal, after he suffered an injury in Manchester United's 3-0 defeat by Chelsea at the end of last month.
Rooney in his first suit, before he knicked the sign
Press coverage in recent days suggest the outcome of the scan will be favourable, however Mr Damian has discovered that the tests have revealed some previously unknown problems which could affect Rooney's progress.
Specialists are expected to announce a full recovery of Rooney's foot, but that an incorrect MRI scan - which analysed the strikers head instead of his ankle - showed a large hole where the United star's brain should be.
Doctors are working round the clock to identify whether this problem is a new one or not, and in turn whether this absence of brain function will affect Rooney's football prowess.
England coach Sven-Goran Eriksson is understood to feel that the answer doesn't matter so long as Rooney is run, kick and sleep with prostitutes. 'Everything suggests he remains capable of all of these things,' a source in the FA said.
Rooney's ball control didn't impress Coleen
It's understood that Dr Mike Stone, the Manchester United Doctor who left the club under a myserious cloud earlier this week, was keen to reveal Rooney's empty headnesses to the press, a difference of opinion which led to his departure.
United manager Sir Alex Ferguson has however admitted that Rooney recently underwent cosmetic surgery to remove two bolts from either side of his neck. 'You can barely see the scars now,' a spokesman said.
The latest news about Rooney could prove to be a real blow
The FA this week agreed that England Manager Sven Goran Eriksson would stand down after the World Cup this summer after Mr Damian revealed that the philandering Swede didn't know the off side rule.
Eriksson, who has managed the England team since 2001, was exposed following an undercover sting operation by our reporter Mohammed Mamussar, who pretended to be an Arab Sheik who wined and dined the manager in the glitzy middle eastern city of Dubai.
 Philandering Sven always knew where his balls were |
Despite the revelations, which were coupled with criticism of England players and a lengthy discussion around Ulrika Johnson's inability to commit, Eriksson is confident that he will be able to pick up another top football job after the World Cup.
Indeed, when we spoke to him earlier this morning he was in a playful mood. 'What do you get if you cross an Arab with a Cow?' he asked. We confessed we didn't know. |
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'A milk sheik,' the seemingly dry multi-millionaire quipped.
Current speculation suggests that Eriksson might manage anyone from AC Milan to Bognor Regis, with others not ruling out a career as a television summariser.
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Prospective replacements touted by the papers include everyone from Martin O'Neill to Kenny Dalglish.
Let's hope they understand the off side rule better than Sven, and look as good first thing in the morning as Ulrikakakakakaka. |
Dame Kelly Holmes has told Mr Damian about her plans to keep in the limelight after her announcement that she is retiring from active athletics.
The double Olympic gold medallist is keen to harness her profile for the good of the country, as well as the good of her bank balance as she develops a string of new businesses all building on her new found fame.
Good Sport
Inevitably this Christmas will see the release of a Kelly Holmes fitness video, designed to get people off the couch and pounding the streets as a way to get fit.
Golden Girl
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The move however has already incurred a lot of criticism as the video comes with a 25% discount for Kelly Holmes Place, an upmarket chain of private fitness clubs which she established some years ago.
As a keen campaigner for the successful London 2012 Olympics bid, she's keen to continue supporting the project working as an ambassador for the country and helping to raise funds for grassroots sports projects across the UK. |
As a part of this Holmes has already undertaken to run next years London Marathon and to be encased in a block of ice on top of the empty plinth in Trafalgar Square. The stunt, which mirrors that done by David Blaine in New York's Times Square a couple of years ago, 'is not as dangerous as it sounds' she said.
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Track & Field
Just hours after announcing her retirement at an emotional press conference, Holmes sped off to BBC Television Centre in West London with her husband Sherlock to film a celebrity crime solving show called 'Strictly You're Knicked'.
'It's not really a reality show, it's what I'd call challenge TV,' she added, 'I'm looking forward to working with my husband to solve crimes on live TV.' Sherlock, who has recently fought a well publicised drug addiction, in turn said he was looking forward to working with his wife on the project. 'I'm good at working out motives and spotting clues' he said, 'but when it comes to running after criminals I'm bloody useless, Kelly definitely has the edge there.' |  Mr Holmes |
Strictly You're Knicked will be on BBC One next Autumn.
Lance Armstrong finished his sporting career yesterday going out in style - by winning the Tour de France, his seventh in all.
That achievement alone was monumental, an achievement made all the greater for the fact that he famously overcame testicular cancer *before* his run of historic wins began.
For three years before his first Tour win in 1999, the Texan was diagnosed with testicle, brain and lung cancer and given less than a 50-50 chance of survival.
Mr Armstrong - Mr Damian salute you - you're an inspiration, and a man with bigger balls than most of us can ever contemplate. And that's saying something.
Leader of the pack
As always, it was the Americans started it. They introduced baseball, basketball and other sports for the 1996 Atlanta Olympics that they knew they were going to win, or at least that they *should* have won, and ever since each Olympic hosting nation has done the exact same thing.
With that in mind, Mr Damian looks at the ten sports Britain will most likely introduce when it hosts the 2012 Olympics - sports which Britannia continues to rule the world in. Well, within reason.
Top 10 New Sports for the 2012 London Olympics
1: Binge drinking
2: Cricket (Australia are barred from this event)
3: Queueing
4: Tennis (Australia and all other countries - GB aside - are banned from this event)
5: Badger Baiting
Everybody knows Badger loves masterbation
6: British Bulldog
7: French Hating (Australian's welcome)
8: Cheese rolling
9: Welly throwing
10: Having casual unprotected sex with a swarthy Greek man after drinking ten bottles of 20/20.
Just call him Stellios. Or Jesus.
Actually you don't need to know his name, leave it blank on the birth certificate.
I know I did.
After his shock defeat in yesterday's second round at Wimbledon, Mr Damian asked three experts to assess the options for the British born loser that is Tim Henman.
Max Clifford - PR Guru
'I think it's time for Henman to hang up his racquet, move into commentating, panto and spend more time with his beautiful wife and young family.'
Tom Randall - Tim Henman impersonator
'Probably time for Tim to become an impersonator of ME!'
Ron Jeremy - Adult Entertainer
'Well it's got to be porn hasn't it - he's got a great body but whether he can last the distance and not peak too early remains to be seen.'
What do you think dear reader?
Should Henman be playing Puss in Boots this christmas instead of Andre Agassi?
Should he pretend to be someone else?
Or should he decide that 'new balls please' now means something totally different?
Write to the usual address with your ideas. The winning entry wins a weekend for two windsurfing in Hawnby, North Yorkshire.
Ex-England footballer Stan Collymore is emerging as the unlikely saviour of the collapsed car company, Rover, it emerged last night.
The former Aston Villa and Liverpool striker who recently announced a move into acting with a cameo role in Basic Instinct 2: Risk Addiction, is said to be "seriously considering" a move for Rover, either as part of a consortium, or as a cash buyer.
A spokeswoman for the sports star would not divulge details about the former Liverpool intentions but said: "It is just a thought at this stage."
Even so, the move marks a remarkable turnaround for Rover, which only last week went into receivership after nearly a century of trading.
Collymore and that blue shirt
In an eventful footballing career, Collymore was on the books of 11 different clubs - including Nottingham Forest, Liverpool and Leicester - and earned three England caps. However, he became equally well-known for his off-field behaviour.
Collymore gained notoriety in 1998 when he hit his then-girlfriend, TV presenter Ulrika Jonsson, and last year he admitted participating in "dogging" - voyeuristic sex with strangers, which led to him losing his job as a pundit with BBC Radio Five Live.
It's understood that his addiction to dogging could be behind his business philanthrophy.
Ashley James, Mr Damian's dogging correspondent told us:
"Rovers have always been the car of choice for doggers - both for watchers and for participants. It could be that the woman beating public jizz spurting overated ex soccer star can't get a hard on any other way - so this move is one of self preservation. Without Rover, his sex life is a dead as his career."
Neither Stan Collymore or his dog, Betsy, were available for comment.
England cricket skipper Michael Vaughan has vowed to lead his team out wearing black armbands when they start the first test against South Africa in Port Elizabeth on Friday.
The move comes in response, not to the death of rap star ODB (Ol'Dirty Bastard) - but because the English Cricket Board have today announced that from 2006 all domestic test matches will be shown live on Sky, the first time that test match cricket has not been available on terrestrial television since it first started in 1938.
Simply not cricket
Speaking exclusively to Mr Damian, Vaughan who once famously said "the achievement that the team have achieved is a great achievement" was slightly more lucid when he told us, "I know we're not supposed to be political, we toured Zimbabwe for Christ's sake, but this move is like losing the crown jewels, only with less diamonds."
Former England captain Alec Stewart, speaking on Tuesday, said: "Young girls and boys should be able to see cricket without having to pay for it." The Gaffer, wiping a tear from his eye added "this choice has now been taken away from them as the ECB has puffed the financial dragon and decided to place all live cricket coverage on satellite and cable television."
The news is particularly galling for Mr Damian as less than a year ago Mr Damian's brother, Mr Sean, received a personal email from England and Wales Cricket Board chief executive Tim Lamb, stating that the loss of all domestic test matches to Sky "simply would not happen."
Lamb, who stood down from this role in October was unavailable for comment. At this stage it's uncertain whether he would have been able to stop the move, or whether the rest of the board would have sought to silence of the lambs with some nice Chianti and some flava beans. We shall simply never know.
Following the recent NFL / Desperate Housewives controversy, Mr Damian reveals the Top Ten Most Sexually Charged American Football Teams:
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1. Green Bay Fudge Packers 2. Chicago Bares 3. Philadelphia Spread Eagles 4. San Francisco 69ers 5. Washington Foreskins 6. Debbie Does Dallas Cowboys 7. Oakland Arse Bandits 8. New Orleans Sinners 9. Pittsburgh Feelers 10. Baltimore Shaven Ravens |
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Michael Schumacher arguably the most famous racing driver of his generation is to retire Mr Damian can exclusively reveal.
Schumacher’s decision, which will shock the motor racing world, comes just a month after the Ferrari driver clinched an unprecedented seventh drivers' title.
The Schu – as he isn’t known to fans around the world – has decided to step down in order to concentrate on management – a decision prompted by his recent discovering of a new driving talent who he says “will blow the competition out of ze vater.”
Sources suggest that this new talent, combined with the retirement of the all conquering Schumacher, will also reinvigorate a sport which many have suggested has become dull and predictable in recent years.
Why?
Because the talent being spoken of is a woman – the first to drive in F1 since Nikki Lauder donned a dress and asked everyone to call him Shirley.
The woman in question, who counts fellow heiress Paris Hilton amongst her close friends – has been revealed as the popular southern belle Penelope Pitstop the self styled “glamour gal of the gas pedal."
At present it’s not known which team she will be driving for, suggestions that she will take the empty seat at Ferrari have been dismissed by many industry insiders.
At present the smart money is on Miss Pitstop using the money of her guardian Sylvester Sneakly to set up a new team with a new car – the Compact Pussy Cat – preparing to take on all comers.
Despite being of the fairer sex, other drivers have promised that Penelope won’t find F1 an easy ride. David Coulthard promised to “stop the pigeon” when we spoke to him, and noted that he was designing a new car himself to be used during the 2005 season.
Since then however his design has been ruled illegal by the F1 regulators meaning that Coulthard will simply have to stick with his existing vehicle. When we broke the news to him “Drat, and double drat" was about all the boring British bastard could say.
Penelope Pitstop can currently be found online in a sex video with Nick Carter.
David Coulthard cannot.
After their blistering gold medal wining performance at the Athens Olympics, you’d have thought that the Men’s 4 x 100m team were guaranteed their places in the GB athletics team for years to come.
Not so.
The British Athletics Association today announced that they were dropping Darren Campbell, Marlon Devonish, Jason Gardener, and Mark Lewis-Francis for future competitive events in favour of the popular boyband Blue.
“We think Blue will bring athletics to a new audience and turn young people onto track and field” a spokesman said.
All rise
“Obviously the boys did well in Athens, but we have a duty to look to the future and the next generation of athletes. Blue may not be the fastest runners in the UK, but by having them as our 4x100 team they will put British athletics back where it belongs – on the front page of Hello! magazine.”
Editors Note: Blue aren't really blue. Their Smurf tribute band however is.
Proof that real life is often stranger, and funnier, than fiction. Below the top nine "Colemanballs" by NBC commentators during the Athens Olympics:
1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."
2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."
3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."
4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."
5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."
6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."
7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."
8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."
9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"
c/o Dina
She is an athlete with the world at her feet but it looks as if Britain’s 800 and 1500m leading lady is going to hang her up running shoes and become a property magnate instead.
Sources in the housing market have suggested that “Kelly Holmes” could soon become synonymous with quality residences for professional women.
“It’s an attractive proposition” said one agent “capitalising on Kelly’s gold and her feminity is a marketers dream and of course it’s not the first time that people have changed direction to move into the exciting of property.”
Aside from Kelly Holmes, other famous property magnates include:
*Eamon Holmes – big in Ireland apprantly
*St George – slayed a dragon then build St George’s Wharf by the MI6 Building
*Syd “Barratt Homes” – the former Pink Floyder insists on calling all his properties Dawn and having a piper at the gates (which residents claim can be a little annoying apparantly)
It might make more sense for Kelly to open her own chain of gyms but sadly Sherlock “Holmes Place” beat her to it.
For only the third time in its history the All England Tennis Club today opens its doors for a 'People's Sunday'.
This rare occasion provides an opportunity for members of the general public to take on the current seeds. This afternoon therefore will feature Mr Cliff Williams of Enfield North London against British hopeful Tim Henman and second seed Andy Roddick playing the Body Shop founder (and no relation) Anita Roddick.
Obviously it's all intended to be a bit of fun, but upsets do happen. Ten years ago the German Michael Stich lost to Mrs Dorothy Coatley a retired post office mistress from Kent. Coatley went on to the semi finals before losing to the eventual winner Pete Sampras in a nail biting five set battle.
Whether Cliff Williams who freely admits he's never picked up a tennis racquet before in his life can beat Henman remains to be seen. "It's tough," Williams told us "obviously I want Timothy to win Wimbledon, so part of me doesn't want to beat him. On the other hand, I want to put up a good show, and if that means I win, then so be it."
On current form, Mr Damian thinks this match could go any which way but loose.
England football star Wayne Rooney will be riding the crest of the commercial wave following Euro 2004 according to a top ad man who spoke exclusive to Mr Damian.
According to our mole, the Roonster is said to be considering adverts to front a number of products including Pampers, Red Bull, Clearasil, KFC and Kickers. It's also possible that he might also be the new face of the Daz Challenge.
Finally, there’s also plans for a single with Hells Kitchen winner Jennifer Ellison.
(Actually that’s a lie but in true red top tradition we just wanted an excuse to publish a photo of the busty scouse and make a poor innuendo about Rooney needing all his ball control skills when around the former Brookie star…although if he had the odd dribble or two who could blame him?)
• This weeks's Horse Racing Tips
• I had a dream...
• Rooney scan result shocker!
• Sven Will I See You Again?
• Kelly Holmes unveils active retirement plans
• Armstrong shows he has got the balls
• Top 10 New Sports for the 2012 London Olympics
• What next for Henman?
• Collymore to buy Rover?
• Dark Day for English Cricket
• Top Ten Most Sexually Charged American Football Teams
• Schumaker's New Pittstop
• Blue Pass The Baton
• NBC Olympian Blunders
