Stories to: story @ mrdamian.com
Comments to: comment @ mrdamian.com
• Puppet Sooty says "I was a crack whore"
• Star Whores III
• Top Ten Burberry Sex Toys
• Does Fast Food Cause Sleep Wanking?
• Burberry to Sponsor Air Force One
• Mr Damian made an OBE
• Top 10 Ways To Freak People Out In Your Office
• Mr Damian encourages readers to knit jumpers for penguins
• Jackson Moonwalks to Freedom
WAP Site
The former President of Iraq, Saddam Hussein, has refused to enter a plea on the opening day of his latest trial where he has been accused of genocide and war crimes.
 Saddam wagged his finger in defiance |
The trial, which also features six other defendants, relates to an anti-Kurdish offensive in 1987-88, in which 100,000 people are thought to have died.
In the absence of a plea, the judge entered a 'not guilty' plea on behalf of Saddam Hussein. However, his defence team have said that the former leader was unable to enter a plea, as he was suffering from 'shock and trauma' after being 'poorly treated' by his captors. |
This treatment is understood to have mostly been psychological, and in particular featured Saddam's guards 'dressing as clowns' and 'performing Marx Brothers routines' in front of his private cell.
Unable
Saddam is known to have an intense fear of clowns, and it's thought that the American's in particular were keen to probe this weakness.
|
Human rights activists have questioned the fairness of the Iraqi judicial system and whether it is right to expose defendants to fast paced humour in anything other than their first language.
Meanwhile, the former Iraqi president challenged the legitimacy of the court, as he had done at his previous trial, saying 'I challenge the legitimacy of the court, as I have done at my previous trial.' Chief judge Abdullah al-Amiri's who was sporting a big red nose at the time, snorted as replied 'as I did. As I did.' |  For undercover Marine's this is no laughing matter |
Death
Prosecutors want the death penalty for Saddam Hussein and two of the seven other defendants in the Dujail case. All denied the charges.
The case reconvenes on 16 October. If Saddam Hussein is convicted and given the death penalty he may still appeal, raising the possibility that any execution could be delayed by years.
'In that situation, it's possible that we'd decide to send in the clowns,' a White House spokesman told us in an off the record conversation.
Scary Spice was unavailable for comment.
The Group of Eight - popularly known as the G8 - is to undergo a rebranding exercise later this year following discussions earlier this month in Saint Petersburg.
The group which consists of Canada, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Russia, the United Kingdom, and the United States, represents about 65% of the world economy, and therefore has substantial economic, as well as political, clout.
| However, many feel that the forum is little more than a talking shop, with critics complaining that the G8 has done little to solve isuses such as global warming which its members have largely caused. Kilted Whilst last year's annual summit at Gleneagles in Scotland resulted in a number of annoucnements relating to Africa and world poverty, critics have remained unimpressed. |  The G8 leaders formed an orderly queue at the Russian |
As a result, the politicians have decided to become increasingly vocal about the groups successes, and this aspiration has been the major motivaion behind the proposed rebrand.
Flakey
It's understood that the British Prime Minister, Tony Blair, has been a key proponent of the move, and it's understood that he will take the lead when later this year the G8 becomes the known as the 'GR8'.
Tony Blair: he's grrrrrreat.' | The move is said to have been inspired by Blair's children, and will see the First Lord of the Treasury fronting an advertising campaign dressed as 'Tony the Tiger' and singing:
Tasty |
Whether it works or not remains anyone's guess, for now, Mr Damian will be keeping an open mind.
Magician and Family Entertainer (sic) Paul Daniels has announced plans to immerse himself in volcanic lava for a week as Daniels seeks to once again reassert his new role as an Endurance King.
The dillusionist, who previously spent 50 days nailed to a cross in London's Trafalgar Square, denied that the stunt was an attempt to undermine the publicity that his bitter rival David Blaine looks set to receive next week when spends seven days submerged in a water-filled container in New York.
Backstabbing
The pair have a track record of trying to outdo each other - Daniels' crucifixion stunt took place at the same time as Blaine spending 44 days starving himself to death in a glass box during Summer 2003, and both of them have said some very nasty things about each other to Mr Damian after a few shandy's.
For his new stunt Daniels will be jetting off to Hawaii where with the use of buoyancy aids and some very strong rope he will sit in the middle of flowing molten lava, throughout wearing nothing but a pair of Speedo's.
Big Teeth
His wife, Debbie Magee will be there to mop his brow and to pour balming fluid on his body for 10 minutes every hour (as stipulated by the rules laid down by the Guinness Book of World Records).
Organisers say they want fans and well-wishers 'to visit, cheer, dance and play card tricks,' on the diminutive star.
Before climbing out of the lava, Daniels will try to break the record for holding breath under lava, currently set at two minutes 19 seconds.
 A 40 year showbiz career? Now that's magic!Celebrities such as Dale Winton and Jennifer Ellison are planning to visit and show their support.
Daniels will also be hooked up to a webcam so he can speak to fans and reporters across the world during his self inflicted ordeal.
Most people who travel across
The stunt follows previous endurance efforts by Braithwaite which saw him walk the
His latest attempt was designed to 'draw attention to the plight of
 
Braithwaite's costume is surprisingly realistic
Braithwaite admits that the task will be physically demanding, especially in some of the hotter climates, and he's concerned that the impact of hopping every day for a year will have on his knees, however 'you only live once,' he cheerily told Mr Dam
In order to warm up for the challenge he's planning to pogo stick his way along America's Route 66, saving the pressure on his knees, but getting his inner ear used to the constant bouncing and his body used to the heat.
'One things for sure,' the scamp smirked, 'on this trip the only woolly jumper I'll need is the one I'll be dressed as.'
Â
An American scientist claims that winter air temperatures over Antarctica have risen by more than 20C in the last 30 years, a new study shows.
Research published in the snappily titled US journal 'Science' says the warming is seen across the whole of the continent and much of the Southern Ocean.
The study was prompted by the experience of an as yet unnamed scientist who claims to have stumbled across a beach 'with sand and everything' on part of the nothern tip of the continent.
Computer simulation
The claim has yet to be verified by other scientists or NASA satellites, but colleagues say the scientist in question is of sound mind and 'knows what he saw.'
His identity is being kept secret however for fear that his claims may produce panic amongst the general populace, or worst still that he'll be bumped off by members of President Bush's energy team who don't want to admit global warming exists.
However, Bush may have to accept this sooner rather than later.
A young 18 year old who looks not unlike Leonardo De Caprio claims to have stumbled upon just such a beach when a boat he'd chartered got lost en route to Thailand.
Fisherman have reporting seeing lots of sunburnt penguins in the Falkland Island region and Whales have been seen sporting strange beachwear.
Scientists from the British Antarctic Long Life Survey (BALLS) however say the cause of the warming is not clear, and deny the veracity of such claims putting it down to wild speculation and too much beer.
'I wouldn't book a beach holiday in Antarctica just yet,' guffawed Mr Damian's Science Correspondent 'but it could happen in our lifetime. Who knows?'
Who indeed?
Who ever said Science isn't sexy? They were clearly right.
Key figures from the UN, the EU and a prominent pan-Cowboy body have jointly called for calm in the wake of outrage over cartoons featuring a cow eating cowboy known as Desperate Dan.
| UN Secretary General Kofi Annan and his counterparts fell short of calling the drawings offensive, but expressed alarm at the violent worldwide reaction to them.
The publisher of the Dandy, where the cartoons were first published, said they had led to a 'global crisis' and expressed his 'amazement' at the reaction to something 'which has been in the public domain for decades'. Several people have been killed in angry protests, mostly in Texas where groups of men in lumberjack shirts and cowboy boots tried to burn down a local Wal Mart which was selling the publication. |  No one quite knows why he's desperate |
In Germany, a court threw out on technical grounds an application for an injunction against the publication despite the judge claiming that the 'cartoons are a misrepresentation, German cowboys only eat Sauarkraut'.
Beano editor Euan Kerr welcomed the move, saying of his rival 'commenting on people's eating habits and dress sense is a human right'.
 It's not just the General Lee Mr Damian would like to take for a ride | Former Dukes of Hazard star Catherine Bach who heads the influential Cowboys Out West Organisation, or COW for short, said it was a disgrace to the memory of her late TV show (although less of a disgrace than the recent movie,) and to anyone who makes their living as hired men, tending cattle and performing most of their duties on horseback.
The row, which is believed to be have been triggered by the success of the recent Hollywood movie 'Brokeback Mountain' looks set to continue, with White House officials suggesting that the worlds most famous cowboy, President George W Bush, soon to enter the fray and offer his views on the crisis. |
Protests against the Dandy continue worldwide.
Eating toffee could cut your chances of getting cancer by up to 50% claim scientists, and in some cases might even cure it all together. Mr Damian investigates.
In the UK alone almost a third of all deaths are caused by cancer. As a result scientists all over the world are experimenting with drugs which they hope will either prevent or cure this worldwide killer.
Efforts to date have been largely unsuccessful, but recent research suggests that a blanket cure could be round the corner.
C-Span
However few people tend to killed by blankets, much less than by cancer anyway, so a cure for the Big C remains top priority for scientists and pharmacological companies alike.
According to a team of scientists at Manchester University this aspiration may become a reality in the next five years.
White Coated Man
David Sugarman who leads the research centre explained that their discovery happened by accident. 'We were running some tests which weren't going very well, when someone told a very rude joke involving a nun and some soap which made me laugh,' he said.
'I was chewing a Werthers Original at the time and it made me barf it into the test tube. It was then that the machine went crazy'.
Suck on this
After evacuating the lab and taking a long vacation in Hawaii the team returned to find that the toffee had killed all traces of cancer in their laboratory.
'The trick now is to replicate this across the globe' said Sugarman speaking on a satellite phone from Bermuda.
'So for the next phases of our trials we're going to Mauritius, the Seychelles and possibly Sri Lanka to see if this was an accident or possibly the greatest scientific discovery since the Da Vinci Code'.
We think he meant DNA, but we have to admit the line wasn't great.
Just 50p a day spent on toffee, and a ruler, could stop this
Mr Damian and Interpol today announce a reward of $1 million for the identification of Gideon, a self proclaimed Christian evangelist who preys on tired and weary travellers by putting Bibles in their hotel drawers.
Little is known about this mystery man, whose calling card is known the world over. Fans claim he is simply 'distributing the Bible in the human traffic lanes and streams of everyday life' - but to his critics the man is dangerous, not least because of his Santa Claus like ability to slip into buildings seemingly unnoticed.
Fluffy
'Putting Bibles in drawers is one thing, stealing toiletries and white fluffy towels is another,' said one hotelier. 'He doesn't actually do this, but he could, and that's the worry,' he added.
Move over Bin Laden
Law enforcement agencies are equally worried that Gideon will inspire copycat criminals. In Canada, the Days Inn motel chain, has been plagued by 'Andy' an equally faceless burglar who leaves copies of The Lord of the Rings in hotel rooms with a card which menacingly states: 'Read it, it's better than the films.'
Ring Ring Ring
So if you know Gideon, then call us now on 1-800-GIDEON. And help us to put this Bible-thumping where he belongs.
Is Gideon actually the ghost of a dead child?
Mr Damian today launches a campaign to protest against the World Wrestling Federation on the grounds that the WWF is cruel to Panda's.
The sport, popular with Dad's and American truck drivers, has a worldwide audience of millions, but we say it's time for the barbarity to stop and for the lives and welfare of the animals involved to come first!
Sweaty
Mr Damian would like to stress that he has nothing against wrestling per se, indeed there's nothing more beautiful than grown men rolling around on the floor of a barn naked as the day they were born, but we draw the line at asking furry creatures to do the same thing.
Stop It
If you agree, then join us by writing to your MP, your Congressman, your local newspaper and by changing to semi-skimmed milk (that's got nothing to do with panda's - it's simply better for you).
Celeb fest
Former wrestlers including stars like The Rock and The Undertaker, have already pledged their support for our campaign, and agreed to take part in a special wrestlathon later this month to raise funds and awareness for our campaign.
More details about this event will be released shortly.
It's just wrong
As Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince goes on sale to a worldwide clamour for copies of the latest book in the wizardry series, Mr Damian reveals some discarded titles...
1: Harry Potter and the Mystery Lovebite
2: Harry Potter and the Overnight Acne Attack
3: Harry Potter and the Early Morning Erection
4: Harry Potter and the GCSE Mocks
5: Harry Potter and the Broken Larynx
6: Harry Potter and the Cheeky Fag (to be renamed for the US)
7: Harry Potter and the Half Baked Sequel
8: Harry Potter and the Same Ideas Rehashed Again & Again For Huge Financial Gain
9: Harry Potter and the Sudden Growth Spurt
10:Harry Potter and the Quest For Porn
It may only be July, but retail experts are already looking ahead to see what's going to be the biggest sellers this forthcoming festive season. After farting robots last year, the prediction for 2005 is slightly more grown up, a wind up dog, made and sold in Japan.
Capable of running distances of up to 100 metres, owners simply pull out a chord hidden in the tail to create the energy needed to wind it up. This means that no batteries are needed, a popular selling point, however it's purchase price will put it out of reach for most people - it's only available on import and costs nearly $1000.
Wrath
Despite being easy to use, the toy has however incurred the wrath of vegetarians, anti-fur protestors and celebrities worldwide, due to the fact that the toy is made using real dog hair.
'It's disgusting' Gwyneth Paltrow told us, but then so was her last movie.
Real hair
Manufacturers admitted that real dog hair was used in a bid to make the toy more realistic. 'We only use fur from dead dogs,' a spokesman told us, 'it's not like we skin them whilst they're still alive or anything'.
These concerns however don't seem to affecting sales however, it's producers told Mr Damian that they are selling wind up dogs as fast as they can make them.
Remember kids, a wind up dog is for life, not just for Christmas.
Cruise blasts Brad and Jolie
Hollywood legend Tom Cruise surprised the movie industry over the weekend when he publicly criticised Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie over allegations that they had an affair during the filming of Mr & Mrs Smith. The movie, which grossed $51 million on its opening weekend, sees its two stars as assasins for rival firms.
However publicity for the movie has been overshadowed by rumours that its leads had enjoyed a passionate affair whilst making the movie, which in part was responsible for Pitt's marriage with Friends star Jennifer Aniston breaking down.
Speaking on the Montel Williams show, Cruise is alleged to have said:
'I don't think they had an affair actually, I think it's nothing more than a crude publicity stunt to drum up support for a pretty mediocre movie. You'd never catch me, or my lovely girlfriend Katie Holmes doing such a thing.'
Doctors frequently intoxicated BBC survey claims
In the UK, the British Medical Association has called for action after a BBC survey suggested that alcohol and drug abuse among medics was a widespread problem.
BBC One's Real Story found over the last 10 years 750 hospital staff in England had been disciplined over alcohol and drug related incidents.
Responding to the claims, Dr Nookie, from the BMA told us: 'I love you I do, I really do. I think I'm going to be sick.' He then was. You should see our dry cleaning bill.
Two good reasons not to be pissed on the job
As much of Britain prepares for a warmer than average Bank Holiday weekend, Mr Damian invites his readers to pause for a moment to consider the plight of the humble penguin.
When one thinks of Antarctic wildlife, odds are that the first animal you will think of is a penguin. Or possibly a bear, but we're only interested in penguins right now.
Few people realise that these somewhat comical animals, with their funny waddling walk and their own brand of chocolate biscuit, are in fact birds, and birds which are currently enjoying something of a population boom.
However, this boom is in danger of coming to an end, as the effects of global warming are leading to one of the coldest May's on record for the inhabitants of the South Pole.
As a result, scientists are predicting that millions of baby penguins could be at risk of frostbite, or worse.
At present they're reduced to little more than huddling
To counter these threats, Mr Damian is seeking to extolling his readers to donate unwanted warm clothing, or better still to knit a jumper for a baby penguin.
Clothing should be sent to the usual address where it will be packed up into the back of a big lorry and driven to the South Pole. An army of volunteers will then ensure that each baby penguin is given warm clothing thus enhancing their chances of survival.
The British Inventor Trevor Baylis has helped our campaign by devising a snowlar powered sewing machine allowing our volunteer tailors to make adjustments on site, ensuring a snugness of fit which will reduce opportunities for penguin body heat to be lost.
So whatever you do today, make sure you k-k-k-knit a jumper or else find one you don't need anymore, and send it to Mr Damian.
You may just save a baby penguins life. God Bless You.
Mr Damian asks: does a whole post-dictatorship future for Saddam lie in the heady world of underwear modelling?
A spokesman for Calvin Klein told us that the move 'could not be ruled out' adding that 'whilst Saddam is seen by many an an evil killer, he's still very popular in the Middle East and his endorsement or modelling of our products would give us a real edge over our competitors'.
Watch this space for more briefs as different underwear firms jockey for position and seek to maximise their position in the cut=throat middle eastern boxer short and y-front market.
BREAKING NEWS
Pope Benedict XVI has begun the ancient process to beatify his predecessor John Paul II, the first step on the road to proclaiming his predecessor a saint, Mr Damian can reveal.
'The cause for the beatification of John Paul II is open,' the new Pontiff told priests as they gathered for their weekly poker game.
This ancient process is steeped in mystery and tradition, and will see the Church exhume the body of Pope John Paul II so that the Pope can beatify him with a large wooden stick whilst the Cardinals stand around in a circle shouting in latin 'pugna, pugna, pugna' (fight, fight, fight).
After the new Pope has won this battle, the old Pope will then be proclaimed a saint.
The Pope waived the usual rules which require a five-year wait before the Church begins to beatify someone.
'We're confident there isn't any life in the old dog yet, or ever for that matter' said a Papal spokesman. 'As a result, we're kinda happy to move the timetable up on this one'.
John Paul II died on 2 April. He was not available for comment.
Ruling nationalists have won regional elections in Spain's Basque country. But voters have dented their autonomy plan by denying them an absolute majority in the regional assembly.
The ruling moderate coalition, led by the Nationalist Basque Party's Juan Jose Ibarretxe, won 29 of the 75 seats, gaining just over 38% of the vote.
For many outsiders, Spain's Basque region is an area which is full of mystery, a land where both men and women dress up in basques and other assorted lingerie items and parade around for all to see.
Certainly it couldn't be further removed from the sunny Spain image promtoed by travel companies of the never popular BBC TV Soap 'Eldorado'.
The area is also a source of embarassment to many Spaniards, who presume, just because they wear womens clothing, that Basque men are all gay. That simply isn't the case. Wearing a dress doesn't make them a woofter, often quite the reverse is true. Wearing a dress has certainly never made anyone question my sexuality. I am a hot blooded hetrosexual male and I don't care who knows it.
Anyway I digress.
Here's a nice picture of a woman in some lovely underwear. I know I'd certinaly like to 'digress' her...
Following the reported success of earlier sex toys and adult products, the chaver popular designer brand Burberry have unveiled their new summer range of products for consenting adults and their pets.
Top Ten Burberry Sex Products for Summer 05
1: Burberry butt plugs
2: Burberry water sports cowl
3: Burberry glow in the dark condoms
4: Burberry body paint
5: 'My wife went to Mexico and all I got was this dirty sanchez' Burberry t-shirt
The Butt plugs have their own discreetly burberry wrapped power supply
6: Burberry flange guards
7: Burberry cock rings
8: Burberry muff diving snorkel and flippers set
9: Burberry shag swing
10: Burberry Paddles
The Enduring Burberry Cock
The Roman Catholic Church finds itself in turmoil this morning after a dramatic fire in the Sistine Chapel resulted in the world's 115 cardinals being burnt - like a piece of over microwaved bacon - to a black and shrivelled crisp.
The tragedy is believed to have struck around 3am, when eye witenesses gathered in St Peter's Square reported seeing black smoke coming out of the Chapel's chimney. Tragically for the roasting reverends, observers thought nothing of this, as the cardinals were inside holding the first ballot to elect a new pope - a process which traditionally announces its results through smoke signals: white for a new Pope, black for an unsuccessful vote. As a result, when the thick black smoke billowed out the building onlookers thought it was nothing more than the College of Cardinals announcing that they had yet to find a successor to the late Pope John Paul II. |  No fire without smoke |
Despite the lack of a successful vote, cheers went up from the more than 40,000 pilgrims sat in St Peter's Square when the smoke emerged. 'This is so exciting' one Pope-Watcher told us.
Indeed it was, but not in the way they ensviaged, for whilst the Pontiff Pilgrims looked downcast and stealed themselves for another day of waiting, the chapels red cloaked inhabitants were being slowly, and torridly, burnt to death.
Their screams went unheard through the thick stone walls of the nave, and it was only when the whole building caught alight that the crowd suspected that something was awry.
 Rome's Annual Little Red Riding Hood Convention was always popular | By this time it was too late. 115 charred old men were now scorched onto the chapel floor leaving this iconic building resembling a strange human BBQ. What happens next, no one knows. The world is in shock. The world is mourning this morning, and no one, least of all Mr Damian, can quite believe it. |
The latest headlines from around the world brought to you by the crusader for truth, and generally all round (in fact mostly round,)swell guy, Mr Damian.
UK: Reasons behind Rover collapse revealed
A senior civil servant has told Mr Damian the reason for the collapse of the deal between MG Rover and the Chinese Government.
"The problem is that if you said Rover to the average Chinaman, they'd expect something you ate with rice and vegetables, not something which did 0-60 in 5 seconds flat."
Prince Phillip was unavailable for comment.
However this dog felt the manufacturer had had a woof deal.
America: Britney Preggers
After weeks of speculation, Britney Spears has finally admitted to being pregnant. Yawn.
At present the sex of the baby is unknown, although it is known that he/she/it will be born in a trailer park somewhere in Louisiana.
The liklihood that the child will be given a stupid name and have its ears pierced before it is six months old cannot be ruled out.
Oops I did it again and now I'm up the duff
UK: Mistake of the Day
Mr Damian notes that an earlier edition we referred to "Lineker's brothel in tax dodge" - we did of course mean Lineker's brother - and hastily apologise to any brothel keeper who took offence. We'd prefer it if you took a gate. Southgate in fact. The penalty missing ugly f&c6er.
The other, tax paying Lineker, ruled Mr Damian off side
After nearly three months imprisonment at the hands of self confessed "Ginger Extremists" we are proud to announce that Mr Damian is now a free man.
The satirist and occasional merchant banker was last seen being bundled into the back of a Vauxhall Astra after claiming in an online exclusive that Italy was to call for the banning of ginger people.
A spokesman for the Italian Government later told us that this announcement was "a little premature, a problem I understand Mr Damian has suffered from before."
Another spokesman, who didn't which to be named, but who's real name is Umberto Echo, who works for the Ministry of Loafers, told us that the story was "not totally lacking in accuracy and facts of any description."
However this didn't stop a bunch of ginger loons from holding Mr Damian hostage, forcing him to watch endless videos by the red-headed Julia Roberts and exposing him to hard core pornography featuring only Ginger people.
Understandably, the man cracked. And he is now a fully fledged Ginger convert.
We can't blame him, but he looks silly with a carrot top.
Then again, who doesn't?
The new Mr Damian
Rumours have been circulating the Arab world that Al-Qaeda leader Osama Bin Laden has released a New Year message in which he can be seen wearing a strange gingery brown wig and in which he says of President Bush - "you're fired".
Mr Damian has seen this tape and can confirm that these rumours are in fact true.
The tape however has confused many of his followers and news stations such as Al Jazeera because it features Osama in a playful mode, rather than the infidel hating demagogue which they are used to. As a result, many believe that the tape is a hoax and for this reason it has yet to be aired.
We have examined the tape however and can proclaim that it is indeed genuine.
Terry Waite called, he wants his beard back
The wig in question belongs to Donald Trump which was stolen from the property magnate on New Year's Eve whilst he slept in his Atlantic City Penthouse.
This theft marks the start of a new wave of Al-Qaeda activity, where the terrorists deliberately seek to destroy or steal new targets which they believe will undermine American morale, ultimately leading to the disintegration of the United States.
| It's understood that Trump's "The Apprentice" is keenly followed in the Bora Bora caves where Bin Laden lives, and that his passion for reality TV sparked this new move.
Intelligence sources have also confirmed that terrorists have also sought to kidnap Pop Idol judge Simon Cowell and hold him to ransom. This plot was foiled at the last minute when the barely literate kidnappers accidentally kidnapped British stage actor Simon Callow. Realising their mistake they later dumped him in the Arizona desert where he is currently recovering. |  Callow: No Pop Idol |
Donald Trump meanwhile is said to be inconsolable at the loss of his hairpiece, and has asked President Bush to send in the US Marines to recover it. Bush is understood to have assured the businessman that "no American wig will be left behind".
Until that point, Trump is expected to keep a low profile and spent time ensconced in his hotel room counting his money.
Trump: hair today, gone tomorrow
Mr Damian welcomes in the New Year by looking at the stories we're mostly likely to be telling in 2005.
1: Britney Spears will still be married (but not neccesarily to her current husband)
2: Sharon (Osborne) will be the Prime Minister of Israel
3: Scientists will find a way to use future tsunami's to power the Third World for five years at a time, thereby turning tragedy into triumph
4: Former Python, and National Treasure, Michael Palin to be stuffed and put on a plynth in London's Trafalgar Square
5: UK shoppers still wont have a fucking clue how to use chip and pin
No Clue
6:Gerry Adams and Ian Paisley announce peace in Northern Ireland by singing a duet of 'Up Where We Belong' live on National Television
7: Sean Connery revisits Scotland. Realises it's not all he had cracked it up to be. Relocates to the Bahamas for good
8: Diana Ross to play a concert on the moon - doesn't notice anything out of the ordinary
9: Rock band The Darkness suffer from DVT as a result of overtight spandex
10: Bush finally finishes that book
Thatcher - the orginal Iron Maiden |
Mr Damian is delighted to announce that he has been nominated for the prestigious title of "Woman of the Year" by the popular magazine - Women Weekly.
The publication which has a circulation of 100,000 readers a week, runs an annual competition to "celebrate women who have made a real achievement to the lives and standing of the sisterhood in the past year." |
Previous winners include Margaret Thatcher, Marie Curie and George Clooney's
on-off girlfriend, Lisa Snowden.
This year Mr Damian has been nominated alongside athletes Paula Radcliffe
and Kelly Holmes, as well as US politician Condi Rice. Kimberly Quinn was
not nominated despite a last minute lobbying campaign by her friends.
|
Speaking exclusively to us, Mr Damian said:
"I am both honoured and flattered to be nominated for this award and I urge all the readers of my site to vote for me. If successful I will use this title as a platform to promote kindness to animals and I will also clamp down on topless bars. I've never liked topless bars for the simple fact that when it rains your beer gets wet. Although it has it's advantages if the waitresses are wearing tight white t-shirts at the time." |  Mr Damian takes pride in keeping abreast of world news |
The polls close at midnight on January 7th.
Pamela Anderson's breasts were unavailable for comment.
Thousands of children across the United States look set to miss out on Christmas this year due to anti-terrorism measures introduced by the notoriously strict Department of Homeland Security.
| Firstly, customs officials have insisted that Santa needs to sign the pre-requisite customs documentation for “each and every Xmas goodie” that he will be bringing into the country, a rule which in the past has been waved, and which Mr Claus has suggested that it will require him to freeze time for considerably longer than normal in order for him to complete his present delivering mission. |  Their heart is in the right place, despite everything |
Secondly, officials have also refused to allow any foodstuff from the UK to be included in this gift giving, for fear of residual food and mouth particles.
Speaking exclusively to Mr Damian, Santa confessed that he was baffled by this new rules and suggested that as a result some children may even miss out on Christmas this year. A prospect which needless to say horrified us almost as much as the prospect of David Hasselhoff’s forthcoming hip hop album.
Good Rudolph
However, our investigations have shown that, for once, the Dept. of Homeland Security may have good cause for this extra vigilance, after it emerged that Santa's favourite reindeer, Rudolph, has been put on the U.S. terrorism watch list.
Officials say recent intelligence from Iran shows the reindeer's evil twin, Rudolph Bin Nose Laden, is once again running training camps in the Yemen, and as a result they have concluded that Rudolph Red Nose Laden may be a risk.
Bad Rudolph (no recent picture available)
For Dancer and Prancer, two of Santa’s other reindeers, this is great news. The pair have for years resented what they saw as favouritism towards Rudolph and were said to be particularly jealous of his fame.
Earlier in the year British singer Cat Stevens suffered a similar injustice and was detained by the FBI on arrival in the US. Mr Stevens was released after being charged with 'Having a silly name without a licence' which is a class II felony in the state of New York, although mandatory in many southern states.
Scientists at Cambridge University have today announced that they have found hard evidence explaining why it is women the world over live longer than men. It's simply down to them not working as hard as menfolk.
The answer to this question had alluded scientists across the globe for decades, with many theories previously being proposed, but all previously discounted.
In 1963 the German scientist and philosopher Hans Krammer suggested that women lived longer because men did not have breasts. His controversial theory suggested that men spent so long trying to play with, and get their hands on, women's cleavage that they burnt their hearts out quicker. Krammer died in 1970 at his Cologne apartment after suffocating on a large pair of inflatable breasts. Foul play was suspected, but never proven.
Krammer's theory was disproved in 1968 by Lars Unicycle a Danish scientist who instead postulated that women lived longer because they drank more tea than men.
 Brainy and with whites which are whiter than white | "Coffee kills" Unicycle said, making an enemy of the burgeoning coffee industry in the process. Suffering from a life long allergy to coffee Unicycle died aged ninety five after accidentally ordering a Mocha in a new coffee shop known as Starbucks. "He simply didn't realise what he was drinking," his distraught daughter, Olga said at the time, "what's with all this fancy new tea and coffee anyway?" Unicycle's legacy is such that it is only now that his theory has been disproved using scientific data collected over the last twenty years by a team based at England's Cambridge University. |
Speaking to Mr Damian, team leader Hector Windpipe told us "all the previous theories were simply barking up the wrong tree looking for physiological or psychological reasons for women's longevity, but the reason that they live longer is simply because they just don't work as hard."
Warming to his theme Windpipe said "cooking, cleaning and having babies really isn't as tiring as commuting and working in a modern office day environment, or indeed hunting for food like they do in third world countries. Women are simply less tired, because they don't work as hard. And QED that is why they have a longer innings. Men are simply playing on a sticky wicket and that's why they're often back in the pavilion perhaps quicker than they ought."
| Unsurprisingly feminists around the world objected to these accusations, "women live longer simply because they are superior" Germaine Greer told us, "and I challenge any man to a cake making contest who disagrees."
Men, mixing bowls and Mrs Beaton cook books to the ready. |  Big brain, even bigger cakes |
Once again, the U.S legal system has struck a blow for the common man. From the people that brought you ‘objects in the mirror are closer than they appear’ comes a new set of mandatory warnings for mirrors.
The "Hall of Mirrors" a popular feature at many circuses and sideshows will now be mandated by law to carry a warning similar to that on cars.
‘Objects in the mirror are fatter than they appear’ ‘Objects in the mirror are thinner than they appear’ The legislation is certain to help anorexics across the country and anyone who has ever asked “Does my bum look big in this?” The textbook answer to that question is of course “Yes, but it’s just a trick of the light.” |  |
Lawyers are even getting in on the act by advertising on mirrors in public restrooms, the sign below was recently spotted at a rest stop in North Carolina.
‘Can’t see yourself in this mirror? You may be a vampire, call the law firm of Block and Tackle at 1 800 ISUKBLOOD to get the money you deserve.’
The state of Texas has recently passed a law mandating signs reading ‘Gravity causes items to fall towards the ground’ anywhere there is an inherent risk due to gravity including kitchens and bunk beds. A spokesman said, “Now gravity, there be some scary shit. Can’t see it and yer can’t shoot it neither - although God knows I have tried.”
God was unavailable for comment.
Chevy Chase bank are suing an online University after the financial institution hired a new Vice President with an MBA from “Qualifications R Us.” QRU College, as it is also known, is one of a new breed of academic bodies available online and thus unregulated by central or federal Government.
“The individual concerned – whose identity we’re keeping secret for security reasons - had an impeccable resume,” a spokesman told us, “but we found that in the flesh they simply did not cut the mustard.”
Mr Damian today exclusively reveals today that there may well be a good reason for this. The individual concerned, one Colby Nolan, is in fact a six year old black cat belonging to Philadelphia’s deputy attorney general.
|
Members of the Attorney General’s office admit that they purchased Colby a $50 MBA “for a laugh,” claiming he had experience including baby-sitting, retail management and taxidermy. The school, which offers no classes, allegedly determined Colby Nolan's resume entitled him to a master of business administration degree; a transcript listed the cat's course work and 3.5 grade-point average. |
Merchant Banker |
It was on the basis of this strong academic track record that Chevy Chase hired Mr Nolan, without an interview.
Denying that political connections had helped swing this situation a spokesman told us that “His [Nolan’s] resume was top notch, and in these circumstances it’s quite common for us to hire without seeing the candidate.”
“Unfortunately Mr Nolan didn’t come across as well in the board room as he did on paper, he seemed more interested in lying in the sun, scratching, and licking his own genitalia, which upset some of our older Board members quite considerably. They just didn't feel that this was appropriate behaviour away from the country club.”
 Nolan: on gardening leave |
Mr Damian asked why the bank didn’t suspect foul play the first time that Mr Nolan arrived at work, only to be told that “as a company we value diversity, besides which some of our best customers are cats, well fat cats anyway.” Mr Nolan was unavailable for comment, but the Attorney General’s office admitted that it may well press charges for unfair dismissal. “Colby was never given a chance” one staff member told us whilst weeping openly. “Now he’s back to chasing pigeons and rummaging through the bins at night. It’s such a waste of potential.” |
Americans have today awoken horrified, with news that an Al-Qaeda hit squad have stolen the Christmas decorations off all the trees at the Rockefeller Centre, leaving nothing but some sorry Rockefeller Center tree lighting and of course the trees themselves.
| For New Yorkers this latest attack comes just three years since two hijacked planes crashed into the World Trade Centre killing several thousand people.
“To say this adds insult to injury would be an understatement - kick a city whilst it's down” Mayor Bloomberg told reporters whilst chuffing on a large cigarette inside his palatial mayoral office. Meanwhile in Washington, President Bush was woken from a peaceful dream about the Dixie Chicks to be told of the news, allegedly telling aides “we’re gonna get these folks.” |  Gawn, but not forgotten |
Former New York mayor, Rudolph Giuliani perhaps best summed up how the nation felt when he told Regis and Kelly “you steal baubles from the Rockerfeller Centre, you steal all our baubles.”
 Clay: big hearted, certainly not gay | Celebrities rushed to aid of the Big Apple, with former network news anchors, Tom Brokaw and Dan Rather agreeing to host a special telethon to raise money for more decorations.
“There will be Christmas in New York,” Clay Aiken told Mr Damian, as he simultaneously announced that a percentage of the profits from his special Christmas tour would go towards the appeal. Meanwhile WWF stars have agreed to hold a Santa Smackdown in Radio City Hall, and Tara Reid has agreed not to flash her nipples, all in aid of this yuletide appeal. Readers can donate used Christmas decorations via the Salvation Army or pledge money for the citizens of the Big Apple by calling 1-800-XMAS-IN-NY. The French appear not to give a shit. |
It's almost a year ago since Mr Damian discovered this about the former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.
Saddam: old news
So this is Xmas, and what have you done? Published 19th December 2003.
White House and Pentagon officials have stated that when he was found last Sunday, the former Iraqi dictator, Saddam Hussein was hiding in a bid to avoid capture.
However Mr Damian has learned that the reality of the situation was somewhat different.
Sources have told us that in fact Saddam, a gentle giant whose pastimes including gassing Kurds and shooting members of his family, was in fact busy making a Santa's Grotto for the children of Tikrit.
Uncle Sal, as he is known to the villagers, had even grown a big white (ish)
beard in recent weeks in order to add to the authenticity of the experience, with close aides said to be in the process of smuggling reindeer over the Turkish border at the time of arrest.
"The stash of AK47s found nearby were presents for the children" one local told us, "those American Infidels have ruined the holy Islamic festival of Christmas" he added.
The children, we are told, are devastated, and will have to make do with weapons grade plutonium instead.
Police in Richmond are baffled by a series of seemingly random house burglaries that have hit the Virginian city over the Thanksgiving weekend.
Sergeant “Sponge” Bob & Officer Gary, spoke to the press at the downtown precinct earlier today and announced that a masked intruder had broken into “several dozen” houses and taken a range of objects including bikini bottoms and pineapples during the course of the last few days.
What confuses law enforcement officers is that more valuable items such as jewellery, as well as holiday foodstuffs such as cold turkey and cranberry sauce, have gone untouched.
“It’s all very strange” said one crime victim, who wished to remains anonymous, (but who’s real name is Sandy Cheeks,) “whoever did this is either really weird or really twisted – what am I going to do with five bikini tops but no bikini bottoms?”
What indeed.
Police believe that the burglar is likely to be a member of the infamous Krusty Krab Gang, as snail trails and cracked nuts were found in the local vicinity of each individual crime scene.
 Artists Impression | So far, the culprit has managed to avoid being spotted by eyewitnesses, with one exception. Based on the description provided by this person, the police have issued the following artists impression featuring the suspect fleeing the scene of his latest felony.
Police encourage anyone with any information about this dangerous felon to come forward by contacting them at 1-800-GOTCHA. |
Those Nudes in Briefs
 Mad cow | London, England: Scientists have warned the farming community to be on their guard as they believe that new mad cow cases are likely. In fact, according to one expert they are “just a matter of time.” Lady Thatcher was unavailable to comment.
Nevada, USA: A former crematory operator pleaded guilty yesterday to burning the bodies of dead people. Ray Brunt pleaded guilty to sixty-three counts against him, including the incineration of people who had recently deceased and were starting to get a bit smelly. Judge Judy, who presided in the case said “I have never seen or heard of anything like it.” In his defence, Ray Brunt admitted that he had no defence. |
|
Seattle, USA: MSN has launched a new search tool aimed at improving the public's access to academic material.
MSN Plagiarism allows searches for keywords in theses, technical reports, university websites and books. It is a straight rip off (sorry reversioning,) of Google’s new ‘Scholar’ search engine, although MSN hope that their tutors and shareholders will be too busy to spot the similarities. USA: After last year’s exposed breast fiasco, the Super Bowl organisers have chosen wholesome family entertainer, and former Beatle, Paul McArseny to provide the half-time entertainment at this year's Super Bowl final. |  Jackson: infamous slot |
General "Storming" Norman Schwarzkopf is best known to readers of Mr Damian for his role as heading up the Gulf War operation of the early 1990s, Desert Storm, a battle which catapulted him into the public eye and one where he was fortunate to find himself fighting a campaign which had a similar nickname to his own.
After the triumphant expulsion of Saddam Hussein from Kuwait, he retired from military service. It was a tough decision for a man who, by his own confession, had thought of nothing else but the army for forty-five years.
“The Army was my life,” he said at the time, “I loved commanding soldiers and being around people who had made a serious commitment to serve their country, just as I also loved wearing pantyhose and being called Johanna.”
Upon his retirement General Schwarzkopf enjoyed a lucrative career as a pundit for NBC and as a highly paid speaker on the lecture circuit. He also worked alternative weekends at Home Depot and hung out with celebrity friends such as Kevin Spacey and Gary Coleman from Different Strokes.
After his death in 1997, President Clinton requested the General be “stuffed and embalmed to as to inspire future generations.”
His body is currently to be found in the Smithsonian Museum, Washington DC, next to the vending machine by the disabled toilets.
The funeral of the Palestinian leader, Yasser Arafat, is due to take place in Cairo today after his body was flown over from the Paris hospital where he died yesterday.
Mr Arafat's coffin, draped in the Palestinian flag, was taken by helicopter to a French military airport, where a ceremony was held before making a final voyage to the land of the Pharaoh’s.
Pining for the fjords
As a mark of respect to their late leader, The Palestinian Authority has declared 40 days of mourning. It’s unclear what will happen to afternoons, evenings, or indeed night-time, during this period.
Many world leaders have paid tribute to the man who for many around the world was the face of the Palestinian cause. Russian President Vladimir Putin described him as a "great political leader of international significance" while Pretty Woman star Richard Gere said he was “completely gutted”.
Commentators have already begun speculating what will happen in the region and how Arafat’s death will impact on the Middle East peace process. Meanwhile historians have begun to analyse the impact and legacy of his work, whilst his supporters look at carrying out his last will and testament.
In what will be a surprise to many a source close to the former leader and his family said that a considerable amount of his personal fortune would be spent on setting up a ocean liner and cruise ship business.
The peace process. Sailing, stormy waters?
“Like many people we have to look for funds from a variety of different sources these days” a spokesman told us. To that effect, it was revealed that this new venture, provisionally called PLO Ferries, will launch later on this year.
“It’s what he would have wanted” a dewy eyed Palestinian told us.
Indeed.
Following recent news that food giant Hormel will declare January 'Spamuary' to advertise the famed product, MrDamian has uncovered secret details of the advertising campaign.
Sick of hearing people complain about porn filled spam arriving in their mailboxes Hormel will distribute free cans of Spam that actually contain a folded up porn magazine. The cans will also carry an advert for discounted Viagra to capitalize on another common issue with junk email. The company defended this aggressive step sighting 'stiff competition' from Asia.
Glorious
Consumer groups are already urging the public to buy 'spam filters'. These are innovative devices designed to stop the complimentary cans of spam fitting in mail boxes.
Similar to traditional spamming Hormel only needs a small percentage of people to open the porno spam cans to make money.
The packages have a GPS device that tells the company if an unsuspecting consumer open the packet. This lets Hormel know that the household are 'spam fans' and thus can be targeted for additional advertising.
The device works on the principle that you can't fit a square peg in a round hole, an age old problem that has foxed Welshmen for hundreds of years.
The Vikings from that Monty Python sketch are still on vacation in the Seychelles and unavailable for comment.
Tel Aviv: Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon has said he will not bow to pressure from cabinet colleagues for a referendum on his Gaza disengagement plan.
Paul Gascoigne was unavailable for comment, however his agent told us that the happy couple were still engaged and “hoped to wed very soon.”
Sharon. Not pulling out from Gazza just yet.
London: Culture Minister Lord McIntosh is to meet MPs on Wednesday to explain the proposed reforms to gambling laws. The minister is expected to explain to a committee of MPs why the government believes tighter controls are needed and why it will be expanding opportunities for gambling at licensed venues across the country.
However, backbench MPs from both sides of the benches have expressed considerable disquiet over the plans fearing that it would create a gambling culture with constant betting becoming commonplace.
One MP, Thomas David Randall, MP for Southwold South, told us “the Government is playing russian roulette with this one, and will be in hot water over these plans if it decides to press on regardless. I’ve £100 on at 10-1 against this proposal being overruled by Parliament.”
Mr Damian agreed with Mr Randall to the tune of £25 at 3-2.
Newcastle, England: Drinking regular cups of tea could help improve your memory, research suggests and prevent the onset of Alzheimer's.
A team from Newcastle University found green and black tea inhibited the activity of key enzymes in the brain associated with memory meaning that, er, um, ah, yes, well, er, sorry, we’ve forgotten…
A typical cup of tea
MV reveals the latest trend sweeping the United States where everything, including the calendar is up for sale.
Local radio DJ Bill Knight from WRRK – 107.1 The Rock has come up with an innovative way to publicise his station. The Myersville Indiana broadcaster is declaring October 2004 ‘Rocktober’.
Even his knitwear breaks the mould
Knight believes that his idea is truly revolutionary, “I’m the first person on the planet to think of this, I may even apply for a patent on the name to protect it.”
While the application of this bold idea may be new, the premise is not. A recent TV commercial for an insurance company in the US has an irresponsible young man describing his antics in ‘Wrecktember’.
The food giant Hormel has already seized upon the trend, organising a massive advertising campaign in the new year. The 31 Days of ‘Spamuary’ are sure to cause much excitement in households where the food staple is popular. “Never before has a product been able to claim a full month of publicity in this way,” said Mr. Steven Pam, creator of the nourishing protein filled wonder.
Glorious. The food of champions and Arthurian Knights.
New York real estate mogul Donald Trump is already planning for September 2005. “I will be buying the whole month and renaming it Trumptember” he declared while defecating on his gold plated toilet in front of a slew of reporters, “I own this town, soon I will own an 8% stake in the whole year.” He then fired them all before a Balinese maiden wiped his arse with several metres of finest Indian silk.
Rich man with all his own hair.
As a result of media attention, much of it provided by Mr Damian, top doctors have discovered that association with the town of Poughkeepsie can significantly improve a range of synal maladies.
Specifically, they have discovered that the town's name has the property of extracting the maximum amount of mucous possible using the fewest syllables.
Dr Shavez from the Rin Tin-Tin Memorial Medical Center proudly announced that "Millions of Americans will never have to worry about troublesome mucous again."
A WHO study recently put the cost of mucous to the world's economy at $2bn. The news is sure to get a positive response from the nearby Albany, New York. That city produces enough tissues to reach to Mars and back every year.
There are no plans to continue the trend and turn the medical spotlight of the world on an another economically depressed area in the New York and New Jersey region.
"Frankly there just aren’t enough places with comedy names" a spokesman told us. We couldn't agree more.
The Royal Society for the Prevention of Accidents (RoSPA) today published a worrying report which confirmed a statistic that many emergency room doctors have suspected for several years - namely that Tuffet related accidents have risen sharply in the last decade - a rise which many attribute to global warming, whilst others lay the blame firmly at the door of reality TV.
A typical unassuming, yet highly dangerous, Tuffet
Doctor Weener from Guys Hospital who co-authored the report told reporters: “Youngsters are falling off their tuffets like it’s going out of style, they sweating due to the warmer weather and slipping off.”
He went on to highlight the particularly unfortunate case of a woman known only as ‘Little Miss Muffet’, a poor young lady who was frightened by a large spider resulting in her falling from her tuffet and fracturing her pelvis in eight different places. "One of the worst fractures I have seen" Weener said.
To add insult to injury, it appears that Miss Muffet was in the process of eating a rare dish known as ‘kurds and whey’. “This is the absolute worst concoction to be eating before an accident” Weener noted, “this young girl was blissfully unaware that her choice of snack would retard the healing process so severely that she will require several months in hospital - and may never fully regain full hip rotation.”
The government responded quickly to news, announcing the appointment of a ‘Tuffet Tsar’ to deal with the problem by getting "tough on Tuffets, tough on the causes of Tuffets."
MrDamian was shocked to learn that shortly after the announcement was made the new tsar, Mr H. Dumpty a widely respected anti-Tuffet expert from the commercial sector sustained terrible injuries after falling from a brick wall. “We don’t think we will be able to put him back together again” said a spokesman this morning.
At this stage all the King's Horses and all the King's Men are currently under house arrest pending further investigation. All Tuffets have been removed from their homes and are at present being interrogated by hard bastards in dark glasses.
As the Easyjet founder teams up with UK download service Wippit to enter the online music market, Mr Damian reveals the next five ventures to be launched as part of Stelios Haji-Ioannou's Easy portfolio.
EasyRider – a new dating service for the under 21s
EasyMoving – you don’t even have to pack – or indeed even unpack - your own boxes
EasyOverEasy – a new range of American diners
QuEasy – the full Easy portfolio specially repackaged for the pink brigade
EasyTiger – hire your own big cat for the week or even longer, with this new service endorsed by popular entertainer Roy Horn
EasyTiger - get the full Horn experience
Officials in Jamaica plan to evacuate as many as 500,000 people from low-lying areas as Ivana Trump heads toward the island nation.
Ivana's forecast path includes a short stay in Montego Bay before heading out for a beer in Kingston and then a long weekend at an all inclusive Sandals resort.
Ivana is then expected to move toward the Cayman Islands and Cuba before possibly reaching the United States early Monday where she will continue to trade off her ex-husbands name and have unfeasibly large hair.
It's been widely reported that Russia has offered substantial Bounty in return for information leading to the arrest of Chechen rebel leaders Shamil Basayev and Aslan Maskhadov.
However investigations by Mr Damian have concluded that this reward may not be enough. One mercenary told us "a Bounty is all well and good, but I'd far rather have a lifetimes supply of Mars Bars instead."
Following the recent siege in Beslan, at which 335 people, including children, were killed Russian President Vlad ‘the Impaler’ Putin is under increasing pressure to solve the Chechyna problem.
Aides close to the President have urged him to look at a number of radical solutions, which include making peace, allowing Chechnyan independence or sending all those of Chechnyan blood to the moon.
Hardman Putin is said to prefer the latter option, which despite its prohibitive cost would “solve the problem once and for all”.
Before that option can be explored however Putin will need to agree win back possession of the moon which has been in American hands ever since Jack Nicklaus won Richard Nixon’s cold war bet with Brezhnev by hitting a hole in one at the Sea of Tranquillity.
A spokesman said that the former KGB leader will do “whatever it takes” to secure these twin objectives.
Vladmir Putin has two little beady eyes.
Fresh violence in Iraq has seen oil prices surge to new records, nearing $50 a barrel.
In New York last night crude oil reached a fucking ridiculous $49.27 a throw.
Slightly less crude oil was a little cheaper and more likely to impress your friend's Mum with its politeness and generally good table manners.
Scientists in Norway today announced that they believed that IBS, or Irritable Bowel Syndrome, was the source of major wars and socio-economic crises.
Speaking at an International Conference on World Health Issues (WHI) Kurt Fishmonger a respected Nobel Prize winner and former session musician with 80s pop group Aha, shared research which he and his team have been working on for the past ten years.
According to Fishmonger, Stalin and Hitler both suffered with this little understood illness and that increased irritability may well have been the major cause of their psychopathic tendencies.
Similarly the Wall Street Crash of 1929 was caused by a broker dumping some massive stock after several months painful constipation.
Moreover, increased methane production, a common side effect of IBS was also playing a major factor in global warming he contended, and if unchecked would speed up the melting of the icecaps.
The cure, however is simple. If the Norwegians are to be believed we need to eat more, fish, less refined sugar and white bread, cut down on meat consumption and flagellate ourselves on a regular basis whilst we sit naked in hot saunas.
Ronald Reagan was unavailable for comment.
• Daniels attempts new endurance record
• Great White Hop
• Scientists find proof of Global Warming in Antarctica
• Cartoon Protests Continue
• Scientists Chew Over New Cancer Cure
• Who is Gideon?
• WWF - is is cruel to Pandas?
• What the new Harry Potter might have been called
• Japanese Wind Up Dog Set To Be This Years Xmas Sensation
•