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• Puppet Sooty says "I was a crack whore"
• Star Whores III
• Top Ten Burberry Sex Toys
• Does Fast Food Cause Sleep Wanking?
• Burberry to Sponsor Air Force One
• Mr Damian made an OBE
• Top 10 Ways To Freak People Out In Your Office
• Mr Damian encourages readers to knit jumpers for penguins
• Jackson Moonwalks to Freedom
WAP Site
Cupcakes
Reese Whetherspoon is enchanted with England.
'They even have a chain of pubs named after me,' she told us. 'That's so cute. I guess you guys really love me huh?'
Huh? Indeed.
HTTPRH
The Queen is set to become the latest celebrity blogger after Buckingham Palace announced the Monarch would do a special blog in the lead up to her 80th Birthday.
'This is a great way to reinvent the monarchy and show how relevant it is to 18th Century Britain,' said a German speaking spokesman.
Nice teeth Ma'am
Rice can make you thin
Well, Condoleezza Rice the US Secretary of State can, or she's going to at least try, after it's being announced that she's going to be releasing a fitness video later this month.
'We expect this to fly off the shelves,' a spokesman told us.
Yes, and straight into the bins.
Old bike
Lowe returns to West Wing
Rob Lowe who was recently seen playing Tom Cruise in London's West End, will soon return to The West Wing, as NBC's show draws to a close at the end of its eight season.
Lowe was nominated for an Emmy for his performance in the show in 2001, and says he's delighted to be back.
'I was going to go on holiday to Vietnam and visit a friend with whom I've a few things in common,' he told us, 'but then circumstances changed and they became unavailable so I thought what the hell.' What indeed.
Golden Boy
Oscar host John Stewart has asked his Mum, Martha, to do the catering for the event. 'She'll do a great job,' said the Daily Show host.
Not Eric
ABC are to launch a new reality TV show aimed at finding the laziest people across the 50 states. It's working title is 'American Idle.'
Correction Notice
Gruesome Twosome Correction: William Shatner and Imran Khan, should have read William Shatner and Iman. And that was in a movie. Sorry about that.
Marmite Twigs
Miss Piggy is the new face of Twiglets after Twiggy turned it down for being 'too obvious'.
All the latest news from the world of celebrity gossip
Reece Wetherspoon is soon to head up a new publicty campaign for Reece’s cupcakes. 'I hope it wasn't just because of my name,' the Jimmy Hill chinned lookalike said.
Irish rockers U2 are considering becoming US citizens following their recent Grammy success. 'They love us here, even though we've not done anything interesting since 1988,' Larry the Lamb told us.
George Clooney had better watch out, our spies tell us that drink makers Martini are talking to Steve Martin about him being the new face of their TV campaigns. 'I hope it wasn't just because of my name,' the former funnyman said.
Abi Titmuss is thinking of going back to school. 'I'd love a PhD,' she said. 'Brains are so sexy.'
Well, sexier than you Abi anyway.
Teri Hatcher is set to play Margaret Thatcher in a new TV mini series for HBO. 'I hope it wasn't just because of my name,' the former Bond Girl said.
Pop star Britney Spears has admitted she made a mistake by driving with her baby son sitting on her lap. 'I should have made him drive really,' she told passing cops.
Justin Timberlake may soon be sporting outdoor clothes by a well known fashion label. 'I hope it wasn't just because of my name,' the bumfluff faced one said.
Sienna Miller is dreading Easter. 'All Jude wants me for is my eggs,' she complained to friends. Really?
Kevin Bacon can currently be seen fronting commercials for pig-based food products across South East Asia. 'I hope it wasn't just because of my name,' the well connected one said.
CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER SPECIAL: ALL THE GOSSIP FROM THE HOUSE
| Find out what it means to me He might have lost the support of many in his constituency, but Respect MP George Galloway is in demand for panto this Christmas. 'I've had loads of offers,' he told us, 'at the moment I'm just working out whether I want to be Buttons, Jack, Aladdin or Snow White.' |  R.E.S.P.E.C.T |
Pete Burns is looking to re-release his 80s Dead or Alive classic 'You Spin Me Right Round Baby (Like A Record)' after he leaves the house.
'It's a guaranteed number one,' his manager told us.
More like a big number two Mr Damian thinks.
 Marsh | More than just a pretty face Jodie Marsh has denied being a slapper. 'Why is it a man can sleep around and be a stud, if a woman does it she's a slut?' she asked. 'I've only slept with ten men,' she told us, although she didn't specify if that was this week or simply last night.
'He watches it every day, even the E4 live stream,' said a Buckingham Palace source, 'but his Grandmother can't stand it, it's too close to home.' |
Wheel man
Richard Gere tells us that his fans have stopped sending him hamsters every time he has a birthday or wins another award.
'It's quite a relief,' he said, 'I had literally hundreds of them and nowhere to put them.'
Grey not Gay
George Clooney has denied he's going grey. 'I'm already grey,' the Martini shaking one told us.
Rolfaroo
Fresh after painting a portrait of HRH Queen Elizabeth II, Rolf Harris says his only regret is that she wouldn't pose for him nude.
'She's got a great rack,' the wobble board pioneer informed me.
Another great rack
Got any Quo?
Rock legends Status Quo are to perform a private concert for President Bush in the White House one of my spies reports.
'Dubya is a huge fan,' a staffer told us, 'he's got all their records.'
Hungry
Gwyneth Paltrow might be on the verge of dropping her macrobiotic diet.
'Sometimes I really fancy an egg and bacon mcmuffin,' she was overheard saying at a recent bondage party.
Gwynie didn't want fries with that
Film critics have complained for years that every forthcoming year the Silver Screen is dominated by nothing but sequels and remakes.
Well, 2006 is going to be different in many ways, not least because Tinseltown is making 2006 'the year of the prequel'. Mr Damian looks ahead to looking back.
Top Dozen Most Anticipated Prequels for 2006
1: Apollo 12
2: Who's Going to Frame Roger Rabbit
3: Losing Nemo
The New Mr Bean Movie
4: The Day Before Tomorrow
5: Schindler's Shopping List
6: Miss Doubtfire
Keeping it reel
7: The Fourth Element
8: Batman Doesn't Quite Begin
9: Stuart Very Little
Fighting crime in Gotham city with the Bat tricycle
10: Still To Meet The Parents
11: You've Got Snail Mail
12: $999,999 Dollar Baby
Matt Le Blanc star of the US shitcom Joey, today talked to Mr Damian about his horror and outrage at being 'Happy Clapped' yesterday as he ate a meatball sub in his local Subway.
 How you doin'? |
Talking exclusively to his favourite website a still visibly shaken Le Blanc expressed his bemusement at being a victim of this latest craze.
The actor described how he was surrounded by a gang of youths who proceeded to give him a slow, sarcastic, handclap which continued for five minutes before the former Friends star lost his cool with them. 'I lost it,' he told us, 'and just shouted at the to shut the f%$k up' but they just continued, if anything they started to clap more slowly and more sarcastically, whilst throughout they laughed and smiled maniacally. It was bloody weird I can tell you.' |
|
The 30 something multi-millionaire left the popular sandwich restaurant and walked home with the youths following him for several miles before they eventually got bored and walked off. Earlier this year former Buffy star Sarah Michelle Gellar was also Happy Clapped by a group of youths who spotted her coming out of a store on Rodeo Drive. She described the ordeal as 'frightening'. Videos of the incident, captured on mobile phones by the slappers have been circulating on the Internet for months, and show a visibly shaken Gellar trying to understand what was happening. |  Clap Victim |
A spokesman for the LAPD said that both incidents were being investigated and that other victims of this craze included teachers, judges, dental hygienists and pet shop owners, most of whom are too scared, ashamed and confused by the attacks.
'Sarcasm has been on the increase for some time in California,' a spokesman said, 'but it's too early at this stage to know whether this phenomenon is drug or alcohol related.'
Mariah Carey tells us she's not a diva.
'I behave in the way that people expect me to do, because if I didn't then they wouldn't respect me' the top heavy artist said.
'At heart I'm still Mariah from the Park, there's nothing I enjoy more than boiling an egg of eating cold baked beans out of a tin.'
White Trash
He's Only Just Begun
Robbie Williams is set to record a new cover album, Son of Joseph, an album of Carpenter's songs. 'Robbie loves all their stuff' a mole told us.
Big Swinger
Lunacy
His latest film may have been panned by the critics, but Brad Pitt is a big fan of Guy Ritchie's work. The ex Mr Jennifer Aniston who starred in Ritchie's movie Snatch, thinks that Swept Away, the Madonna/Ritchie film which went straight to video, is a hidden gem.
'It moves me,' the backward spoon peanut butter eating favourite told us.
Singer Michael Jackson was released earlier this morning after having been accidently locked in London waxworks museum Madame Tussauds during a stay in the capital.
The lock in - the result of over zealous staff unable to identify the real Jackson from the thousands of models in the store - is said to have left the singer 'dazed, confused and in need of a curly wurly'.
Jackson, who is believed to be recording a single for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, had his children with him during the visit on Sunday.
On arrival, he had been besieged by fans and photographers alike, but many people assumed that he had slipped out a back exit after his tour. Few, if anyone, suspected that he'd actually been wandering around for over 72 hours in a room full of life size replicas of famous people.
Jackson apparantly passed the time by chatting to wax versions of 'his friends' but got 'confused and upset' when they refused to talk back to him.
His visit to London is his first public appearance since being cleared of child abuse charges in June this year.
Tussauds staff struggled to spot the difference
Last night saw the launch of ITV's new reality TV Show, Celebrity Fox Hunting, Mr Damian was watching...
The concept is simple, two vaguely famous people - both with the surname Fox - are chased around rural locations by other vaguely famous people, horses and a pack of blood thirsty dogs.
In this instance those being chased were the former Capital Radio DJ and Pop Idol Judge (call me Dr,) Neil Fox, and alongside him the former Page Three stunner and occassional pop star Sam Fox.
Bloody cheeks
Those doing the chasing included former EastEnder Sid Owen, porn star Ron Jeremy and the host of BBC1's Crimewatch, Nick Ross.
Over the course of an hour we saw the two Fox's jump hedges, hide in ditches and cry as if their life depended on it. Judging by the salivating dogs, it may well have done, but this being television it was only make believe.
He's not a real Doctor
The Foxy celebs worked first as a pair and then split up in a bid to confuse their fellow celebs, before they both came up with the idea of simply hiding in a local pub whilst the chasers continued to run and ride around the country getting more and more irrate in the process.
That gave the show a nice twist, although no doubt it wasn't quite what the producers had in mind. Next week promises the actor Edward Fox and his actress daughter Emelia, being similarly chased. Whether I watch or not will depend on the weather. And my boredom threshold.
Sam Fox - she's no mug
Reports that Yoko Ono, the widow of the former Beatle John Lennon, is pregnant with Ricky Gervais' love child have been dismissed by both stars, Mr Damian reports.
In a statement, Ono denied reports in The News of the World that she was pregnant by the UK comedian, or that they had a relationship.
'She confirms that she and Ricky are good friends and that she might appear in the next series of Extras, but anything else is simply untrue,' it said.
Denial isn't just a river in Egypt
A spokeswoman for Gervais, a former pizza delivery boy done good, told Mr Damian: 'It's bollocks. Of course it is. She's like 70 or something so let's face it, it's pretty unlikely.'
Ono however refused to confirm whether she had come out the other side of the menopause or not, sending newspapers into a further rumour frenzy.
The rumours have pushed Ono close to the Edge
The denials follow reports in The News of the World on Sunday which quoted a close friend of Ono as saying that she was 'pregnant with Ricky's funny fat baby'.
Flacid
But The Sun has since contradicted the story, reporting that actor and comedian was 'amazed' by the 'stupid' claim.
The story follows earlier reports this month that Alan Partridge star Steve Coogan and Courtney Love the widow of Kurt Cobain had enjoyed a passionate affair.
Stephen Merchant, Gervais' writing partner denied having an affair with the Irish crooner Chris De Burgh, even though no one had actually suggested they were shagging.
1: Whore of the Worlds
2: The Dykes of Hazzard
3: Charlie and the Chocolate Starfish Factory
4: The Fantastic Foursome
5: The Wedding Flashers
6: Herbie: Fully Loaded
7: Seed Of Chucky
8: Star Whores: Episode III - Revenge Of The Syphillus
9: House Of Waxing
10: The League of Gentlemen's Gang Bang
Number nine - ouch!
Actress Annette Benning and her husband, Hollywood legend Warren Beatty, will be on opposing sides in a celebrity version of WWF smackdown featuring famous couples.
The keen wrestlers have signed up to take part in Smack My Hollywood Bitch Up, to be shown on Fox TV this upcoming Thanksgiving.
Beatty's tag team will also feature Nick Lachey and John Goodman, whilst Benning is joined by Jessica Simpson and Roseanne Barr.
The idea was dreamed up by TV presenter Oprah Winfrey who will executive produce the show.
Oprah has promised a 'fantastic festive family event' and said it 'will be fun for all the family'.
The teams will compete for a $1 million jackpot which will go to their charity of choice. TV Executives predict that the show will attract a large holiday audience enticed by the promise of 'glamour and gore'.
The show will be presented by American Idol host Ryan Seacrest and the former Quantum Leap star Scott Bakula.
Seacrest told Mr Damian 'There will be plenty of talent in the ring, and competition is likely to be fierce, make no mistake, both sides are playing to win. It's going to be awesome.'
The Newlyweds will be going at it hammer and tongs
Actor Jude Law has expressed "sincere regret" over an affair with himself as he made a public apology to his fiancee, actress Sienna Miller.
Law issued a statement after reports of his affair were covered by the British papers.
'I just want to say I am deeply ashamed and upset that I've hurt Sienna and the people most close to us,' said Law, 32.
'There is no defence for my actions, I fell totally and utterly in love with myself which I sincerely regret. I just couldn't help myself' he added.
He and actress Miller became engaged in 2004 after the actor proposed to her over the Christmas Turkey.
Friends said Law and Miller were 'working through' their problems following Law's admission that he had sex with himself at 'every available opportunity' and that he couldn't walk passed a mirror without stopping and staring for hours.
Law, who starred in Alfie and Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow, is understood to be seeking medical help to overcome his condition.
His unsuccessful film career is expected to be unaffected by the revelation.
Becks Turns To The Church
England Soccer captain, and metrosexual man David Beckham is interested in Scientology, Mr Damian learns. Becks who counts Scientology advocate Tom Cruise amongst his close friends, is keen to explore his spiritual side, and according to one firend thinks that 'scientology may be the answer'.
Elton's ghostly apparition
They may be number one in the hit parade, but rock legend Elton John nearly didn't appear on the latest singer from dead rapper Tupac Shakur.
'Eminem approached me and I said no' the wigged one told us, 'then I had a dream in which Tupac came to me and told me how he really wanted to sing with me. So I had no choice but to do it.' The dream was really vivid' the former multi-substance abusing one told us.
Pretty in Pink
Scissor TV
Quirky pop band the Scissor Sister are in talks with a US TV network about having their own show. A source close to the band said 'it will ike the Monkees TV show but updated for a modern audience' before adding that 'negotiations are going really well'.
McCartney & U2 album on the cards
After their barnstorming version of Sergeant Pepper at Live 8, an album between the former Beatle and self-proclaimed 'biggest band on the planet' may be in the offing.
'I've always wanted to do a rock version of the Frog Chorus and Mull of Kyntyre' the Edge claims.
Mr Damian asks the question on everyone's lips, has Hollywood star and movie hearthrob Tom Cruise finally lost it?
Film lovers have had to endure some strange behaviour from the celloid legend in recent months, from his whirlwind romance and engagement to the Olympic gold medallist Kelly Holmes, through to his infamous appearance on Oprah.
Cruise famously let one go on national TV
Many feared that the wheels were coming off, and that the former Top Gun star was becoming 'too religious by half' - a fear that will only be compounded by a recent interview Cruise gave Mr Damian in a Manhattan public convenience.
The diminutive star suggested that alcohol, doughnuts and having fun were all 'unchristian' and disputed the need for surgeons to use anaesthetic when performing operations.
'Mr Damian, Mr Damian, you don't even - you're glib. You don't even know what anaesthetic is,' he said.
When I pointed out that I was a medically trained doctor who had been performing surgery around ther world for over three decades, I was given short shrift from the short one.
'If you start talking about pain surpession, you have to evaluate and read the research papers on how they came up with these theories, okay? That's what I've done. I know the truth. You can't handle the truth.'
Cruise continued by noting that:
- the world is flat,
- he'd recently had tea with the Loch Ness Monster,
- he once played golf with Bigfoot,
- Paris Hilton is a reincarnation of Isaac Newton,
- the US really did land on the moon and
- that he is 100% straight, never even having thought of trying brown love with a lucky lady.
Obviously we just laughed, and told him that was a load of rubbish, with one exception. We've always known that Paris Hilton was really Isaac Newton for the new millennium. Cruise simply confirmed our suspicions.
The other Paris Hilton
Brian Dowling, the winner of the UK's second series of Big Brother is to star in his own reality TV show, Mr Damian can reveal.
Dowling, the former Ryanair trolley dolly, who since leaving the Big Brother house has enjoyed a successful TV career, is said to be 'very excited' at the programme.
Dowling recently hosted several series of SMTV
Father Dowling Investigates will see young Brian go under cover as a Catholic Priest, seeking to solve murders and other assorted crimes in the process.
The show, which will feature real victims and real crimes, is part of the Summer line up for Cable TV channel Bravo and is their most expensive new production yet.
'We knew from the outset that Brian would be perfect for this,' a spokesman for the channel told us, 'he's naturally inquisitive, and openly gay so nobody would question whether he was a Catholic priest or not.'
The show is also an ironic nod to the TV Show 'Father Dowling Mysteries' starring Tom Bosley and Tracy Nelson as a crime solving priest and nun.
The series starts on Bravo TV on 22nd June at 9pm.
The excellent Satire Awards are current in the middle of a new quarter of votes for the best satirical material on the web.
Last time Mr Damian didn't do too badly. Our revelation that Bush accidently voted for Kerry on polling day in the US came second in the Presidential Category, and our Best David Blunkett Tribute Album in the World Ever! came third in the current events section.
Now Mr Damian was very quiet last quarter as he was being held hostage by Ginger Extremists for much of the time, however there was still enough revelations and material to enter almost every category for the first quarter of 2005.
So please go online (ok you're already online, so stay online,) and vote for Mr Damian as much as you can. You can vote once a day, every day for the quarter if you so desire. Go on, you know you want to!
Best Overall - Official: Ginger people are more ugly
Most Believable - Top Ten Burberry Sex Toys
Best Headline - Clooney Claims Oceans 13 Cancelled Due To Bad Luck, Oceans 14 Still On Track
Best Current Events - Blair and Brown fighting like girls
Best Celebrity - Official: Jackie On Ice a box office smash!
Best Presidential - New Year, New Osama
Best Sports - The Best Mugging Songs in the World... Ever!
Best Related Picture - No News Today
Best Established S(h)ite - Mr Damian
I thank you.
It may only be early summer, but already the leading US TV Networks are starting to test their new autumn blockbusters on audiences and focussing their PR efforts on generating as much pre-show publicity as they can.
One trend that is clear is that the networks this autumn are 'going big on gay' as one happily married, but suspuciously moustached, TV Exec put it.
Hot on the heels of Will & Grace, Queer Eye and Graham Norton, gay is now cool - so expect a whole raft of TV shows exploiting the pink lover.
Our Top Five GAY TV Tips for this Fall are:
1: CSI San Fransisco - crime scene investigations in the hot tub
2: Gay Fear Factor - extreme cottaging
3: The Simpsons - watch out for that Tom Cruise guest appearance
4: Desparate Househusbands - they're so desparate they'll try anything!
... and our personal favourite, which is said to be leaving test audiences shouting for more...
5: Clarence the Homosexual Budgie - The avian 'Will and Grace'
That's all coming to a TV near you, sometime soon.
The Queer Eye boys in the meantime will soon be seen in HBO's Tarantino spin-off:
'Reservoir Dogging'
It could happen to any of us, anytime, so Mr Damian's horror correspondent, MV, has been examining how to stay alive and avoid a scary death.
No need to scream
Top Ten Ways To Stay Alive If You Find Yourself In A Horror Film
1) Avoid being the prettiest girl in the group, she always gets killed first.
2) Avoid being the sluttiest girl in the group, see above. Oral sex guarantees you will be slaughtered in a most heinous manner(sorry).
3) Never split up, despite what you well meaning boyfriend might say about 'coming back for you'. He wont. Death will.
4) When you walk into a dark room, turn the lights on... seriously try it, you will see so much better. It could save your life.
5) Do us all a favour and hit the guy one more time. Trust me on this one, however dead he way look, guarenteed he's not dead yet...
6) No, that is not a short cut.
7) Cheap Motels (is there another type?) are 100% out. 4 out of 5 dentists say 70% of all bad things happen in one.
8) The arrogant cocky bastard generally lives due to his arrogant cocky bastardness, so get used to it.
9) Your mother was wrong, smoking does make you look cool.
10) Never trust a man in uniform, bad guys always drive the ambulance. Ask if you can get a cab.
Sarah Michelle Gellar - Mr Damian would like to see her in the Buffy
In less than two weeks time the movie going event of the year, if not the decade will take place, with the release of what director and movie mogul George Lucas promises will be the last part in his Star Whores series, and in Hollywood the crowds are already queing round the block.
Star Whores III: Revenge of the Syphillus represents the end of a remarkable journey for Lucas. Twenty years ago a small science fiction film called Star Whores - or as we must now call it Star Whores IV, A New Grope - was released to low expecations within the film industry.
To the surprise of the studio chiefs the film became a roaring success. In fact to many, Star Whores was the film that destroyed the old Hollywood, seeing it replaced by a series of blockbusters and sequels which were as unimaginative as they were devoid of thought. To fans however, the film marks the start of something which has become more than a movie franchise, it became a way of life. Followed up two years later with Star Whores V - The Enema Strikes Back, a darker, browner tale, the trilogy seemed to be complete when in 1983 Luke Skywanker flashed his lightsabre in Return of the Third Eye. |  Vader, the original gimp |
Fiveteen years later, and a new trilogy began - a series of prequels Lucas claimed had always been planned, even when that was palpably untrue.
The Phantom Penis however was a poor and woeful piece of filmmaking, slated by critics and fans alike, although it did feature the first full CGI character in a porn movie, Jar Jar Wanks.
Things improved a little bit, but not much with Attack of the Groans in 2002, leaving many people to wonder why Lucas had bothered.
 Chewie appelaed to hair fetishists |
Money and an enormous ego devoid of original thought seemed obvious answers. And entirely plausible in the absence of any alternative views. So poor have these recent films been that many people are asking we he is bothing with Syphillus, but to the faithful it marks the end of a journey. The most dedicated have been camping outside the Chinese Dragon Theatre for several months, so determined are they to see the film before anyone else. |
Others are less bothered, but whatever happens Star Whores has permeated our consciousness, and is an integral part of pop culture. Talk of 'the force' and charcters such as Obi Wank Enobi and everyone knows what you're talking about. Without fail.
Whether this final film is a welcome addition to the cannon remains to be seen, but cum what may, Star Whores looks like it will be part of our lives for a long time to cum.
Following her recent barnstorming speech in which Laura Bush widely mocked her husband, the President of the United States, Mr Damian can exclusively reveal that the First Lady has been invited to host the popular satircal show Saturday Night Live.
At a recent dinner in Washington, Mrs Bush told the audience that the president is 'usually in bed by now' and said she told him recently, 'If you really want to end tyranny in the world, you're going to have to stay up later.'
'Nine o'clock, Mr. Excitement here is sound asleep and I'm watching 'Desperate Housewives'.' To applause from the audience she added: 'With Lynne Cheney. Ladies and gentlemen, I am a desperate housewife.'
The First Lady's turn won plaudits and coverage the world over and was enough to make the producers of the long running SNL sit up and take notice. 'She'd be perfect' one TV Exec told us 'we're always on the look out for new talent, and Mrs Bush would certainly meet that criteria.'
Funny Lady
Meanwhile in Hollywood it's understood that the producers of the annual Oscar's ceremony are considering replacing controversial host Chris Rock with the First Lady, 'she has a wide appeal, and would continue our theme of showcasing the best of America' a spokesman told us.
Chris Rock and Billy Crystal are said to be 'watching with interest'.
It is the policy of Mr Damian to correct significant errors as soon as possible. Please quote the date of publication and the specific story which you are complaining about.
Corrections from the last seven days:
Our Readers Editor: she will, she will, correct you
Tennant to take over the Tardis
Last week we reported that the lead singer of the Pet Shop Boys, Neil Tennant, was to take over from Christopher Eccleston, as the Doctor, in the BBC's hit TV series, Dr Who. The new series will start filming in the Summer and be aired on BBC One in early 2006.
We did of course mean actor David Tennant, star of BBC period drama Casanova, rather than the Rex Harrison of pop, Neil Tennant.
No West End Girls here
Pope Idol
Like many publications the battle to be the next Pope has received a lot of coverage on these papers, however our story which should have read: "Mass begins new pontiff election" did contain an unfortunate typo.
Major election, not major erection.
Well spotted Mrs Travis of Tumbridge Wells, and we apologise for the subsequent effect this had on your pace maker.
New batteries are in the post.
Please send any other notices of correction to the usual address, and remember to include an SAE and a cheque for £50 if you want a reply.
Jeremy Clarkson may be derided for his dress sense and antiquated views here in the UK, but in Japan he has usurped David Beckham as the country's most popular Englishman.
"The Japanese can't get enough," one expat told us "Clarkson is everywhere."
Big in Japan
And indeed he is, with lucrative contracts for drinks, bouffant hair products and luxury denim tailors.
A Japanese Jeremy Clarkson lookalike even has his own TV show, although the producers hope to replace him with the real Jeremy Clarkson in the near future.
The astonishing thing is that Clarkson is not so much unaware of his fame in the land of the rising sun, as he doesn't "give a caramelo flan" - allowing others to take his name and image, turning into a successful brand, with little input from the man himself.
Now it seems every one seems to want a slice of the pie, or rather the flan.
American Pop Idol winner Kelly Clarkson descending on Japan for a short tour but as one promoter told us "ticket sales have been pretty bad, so some agents have started putting it about that Kelly is Jeremy's daughter, it's a little improbable, but it seems to be working, sales are up 250%."
Kelly found the Clarkson name opened doors
Whatever next?
A programme about Class A drugs called Top Gear?
In celebration of the wedding yesterday between Prince Charles and Camilla Parker Bowels, Mr Damian and Jizz Films broke into Clarence House and caught a glimpse of the adult films stashed under HRH's bed...
Princes Charles' Top Ten Porn Films
1: Camilla Does Windsor
2: Constitutional Head
3: The Virgin Queen
4: William Shakespeare's Merry Thighs of Windsor
5: What the Butler Saw
6: Fuckingham Palace
7: A Right Royal Rimming
8: Cum Shot Peasants
9: Anal Loving Aristocrats
10: The Emperor's Nude Clothes
The cream of British showbiz - and Mr Damian - were out in force last night in order to celebrate the gala opening of the West End’s latest theatrical smash – Jackie on Ice.
The production, a biographical tale telling the story of the former First Lady, and late wife of an oil tycoon, Jackie Onassis, is told using the power of figure skating – believed to be a theatrical first.
Director, Peter Grout told the press that “ice seemed a natural forum to tell this story; it allows the actors to be as graceful as Jackie was herself.”
Theatre's new first lady
The public seem to agree, with tickets to see the show about the American Icon selling out in record time. One lady queued for three whole weeks to guarantee her ticket for the opening night; others just sold a few records and became E-list celebrities instead.
Former Olympic Champions Jane Torvill and Christopher Dean came back out of retirement to play Jackie and her husband Jack Kennedy, with former soap star Sid Owen playing her second husband the shipping magnate Aristotle Onassis.
Sid admitted that learning to skate had been hard, but that he had been moved by the power of the story.
"Jackie beats Bolero" Chris told us
Last night the public showed that they were equally moved. When the final chord of the final piece of music ended the audience roared to their feet and gave a nine hour standing ovation, pausing only for toilet breaks and an occasional ice cream.
Jackie on Ice is at the London Ice Rink till 2009.
Last week Mr Damian revealed that one of most hotly anticipated films of next year would be Oceans 13, a sequel to the popular Oceans 11 and Oceans 12.
However, all is not well in Billy Ocean’s camp, as attested to by this email from none other than George Clooney himself.
“Dear John,” the salt and pepper haired one begins, “when you travel as much as I do you come to rely on the Internet to keep in touch with what’s going on in the world, and I frequently find no site keeps me in touch as well as Mr Damian does.
That’s why I was somewhat dismayed to find a rare erroneous piece of reporting on your site.
Sadly plans for Oceans 13 have fallen through – the curse of 13 has struck again! So we’re going to go straight on and make Ocean’s 14 for a Summer 2006 release. We haven’t cast the two new members of the gang yet, but when we do, you can rest assured that you will be the first to know!
All the best,
George”
So there you go.
Five facts you don’t know about George Clooney
1: His real name is Morpheus Sinkplumber
2: He’s actually a red head, and uses Grecian Urn 2000 to get that look
3: To train for ER he watched Carry On Matron over a hundred times
4: Past loves include Sharon Osborne, Kelly Osborne and Otis Redding
5: He’s an accomplished harpist and could play professionally if he wanted to
1: Why did the archaeologist go bankrupt?
Because his career was in ruins.
2: Which cheese never tells the truth?
Lychees.
3: Did you hear about the man who drowned in his bowl of muesli?
He was dragged down by a strong currant.
4:Who beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake?
Tarzipan!
5: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes!
A much better Xmas cracker
6: What's a sheep's favourite Christmas carol?
We wish ewe a merry christmas.
7: Who's working at MI5 on Christmas Day?
Mince spies!
8: Which bird always succeeds?
A budgie with no teeth.
9: How do you make an apple puff?
Chase it round the garden a few times.
10: Where did Sir Lancelot study?
Knight school.
Merci beaucoup.
This year's Christmas Quiz was so popular that we decided to have another.
Many thanks once again to the readers who entered the competition, including all of our readers in Iceland. Good to see you kept yourselves occupied as you waited to buy your frozen food.
Anyway, without further ado, here’s the answers:
1) You pull it
2) Cover it in brandy butter
3) Licking the spoon clean
4) Laplanders
5) Lapdancers
6) Lapdancers from Lapland
7) A big sack
8) Saint Knickerless
9) The Pope
10) A Big Girls Blouse
Many thanks to everyone who entered: staff jobs at Sky for our winners, staff jobs at the BBC for our losers.
Joyeux Noel!
And Happy Christmas to everyone not called Noel.
Tosseur Noel
It's the season of giving, so Mr Damian did a quick survey to see what our readers were giving this year. Top of the list, once again, is action figures for the boys, figurines for the girls. But no longer will children settle for Barbie, Sindy or Action Man, in an age of 24/7 news and Reality TV this is what the kids want, a fact reflected in our Top Ten.
1) Scott Peterson - now you can fry him in the comfort of your own home too
2) Dimebag Darrell - gone but not forgotten, his estate is set to make millions
3) Jessica Biel - no, seriously
4) Steve from X Factor - this version doesn't sing, much like the original really
5) Usher - it may be a doll, but it's all there, no wonder it confuses prebuscent girls...
6) Paris Hilton - should we be surprised? The tart gets everywhere
Plastic
7) Michael Moore -Republican manufacturers missed their Halloween deadline
8) Yasser Arafat - it's what he would have wanted
9) John Kerry - in Vietnam vet gear - see Yasser Arafat
10) President Bush - it's only a toy, so slightly less scary than the real thing, but also slightly cleverer
Perhaps the closest that the Commander in Chief will ever get...
As ever Hollywood in 2005 will look much the same as Hollywood in 2004, with more remakes of classic movies, and yet more sequels. Mr Damian looks ahead to our favourite forthcoming follow up movie experiences.
Top Ten Movie Sequels for 2005
1. The Day After, The Day After Tomorrow
2. I Robot, You Jane
3. Ocean’s 13
4. The Still Incredibles
5. The School of Prog Rock
Come in No5! Jack Black finds Yes, ELO and ELP in this hilarious follow up!
6. Shaun of the Undead
7. Garden in a State
8. We Found Neverland and Nemo whilst we were at it
9. The Polar Express (delayed due to leaves on the line in 2004)
10. Mike Leigh’s “Vera Duckworth”
Vera before her Hollywood makeover. And after...
Many thanks to all our readers who entered into the spirit of things by taking part in our recent Christmas quiz. The answers were:
1. He comes down the chimney
2. You stuff it
3. A red nose
4. Six inches before swimming, two after
5. The Archbishop of Canterbury
6. A group of cheerleaders
7. Cliff Richard
8. Botox
9. Roasting chestnuts by the fire
10. Miracle on 34th Street
A fast tracked UK passport for our winners, and some nice Christmas decorations like those below for all of our losers.
Happy Christmas!
Markus Randall, Mr Damian's Agony Aunt, continues to answer your questions:
Email Markus with your questions: markusrandall@hotmail.com
Anti capitalists have hit upon a new and innovative way in which they boycott and target people and organisations that they do not like, with Microsoft founder Bill Gates finding himself at the forefront of these new initiatives.
Gates, the worlds richest man, has been attacked before, famously having eggs thrown at him whilst attending a conference in Belgium, and being mauled by an "ironic" tiger during a hospital visit to see his old friend Roy Horn last August.
The latest trend however is to attack the software magnet with tins of porked luncheon meat.
Gates addressing a staff conference at Nuremburg
"I think it's fair to say that Mr Gates gets a lot of Spam" his spokesman told us "but we use sophisticated technology in the form of 300 lbs bodyguards to block it, or if the mood takes them, to eat it."
The Vikings from Monty Python continue to remain unavailable for comment.
1: Garrotting
2: Slitting the throat with a sharp knife
3: With a gun in the dining room
4: Candlestick in the library
5: Falling over a banana skin
6: Throwing them over a cliff
7: Poison
8: McDonalds and Kripsy Kreme Doughnuts
9: Karate chop to the back of the neck
10: Reading Bravo Two Zero to them over and over again until such point as death is a blessed, and welcome, release.
Billionaire Bearded Wonder Richard Branson today announced ten exciting new business ventures today. After Virgin Airlines, Virgin Trains, Virgin Condoms, Virgin Records, Virgin Megastores, Virgin Mobile, Virgin Brides, Virgin Vodka, Virgin Coke and Virgin Sex Aids, many wondered where the 
brand could go next. Mr Damian reveals all:
Richard Branson Pickle - The condiment will feature the founder of the Virgin empire on the front of it’s V shaped jar. In addition to the traditional ingredients the pickle will include pineapples from Branson’s private island.
The Virgin Islands - purchased from the US and UK for a princely $5.4 billion - with luxury holidays and holiday homes now available on Virgin Net and from Virgin travelshops.
Virgin Extra Virgin Olive Oil – Does what it says on the tin.
Virgin Vergers - This company will provide priests on a hire purchase scheme allowing member of the public to conduct ceremonies in the privacy of their own home, or at the mall, at literally a moments notice. Successfully piloted in Alabama last year.
Virgin Paris - an ironic fashion store with clothing designed by Paris 'Sex Tape' Hilton.
Virgin Blood - a service designed to but something back into the community. Literally. A blood donating service, rather than a niche product aimed at the vampire market.
Virgin Blue - a new late night TV channel full of rich bearded men taking off their cardigans and other scratchy knitwear in order to cop off with young, unrich, and unbearded, women.
Virgin on the Ridiculous - The group will begin to build it’s own chain of joke shops aimed at the young, hip jokester market.
Seriously Virgin on the Ridiculous - a new PR firm guarenteed to ensure that the smug one is continually in the press doing some stunt or other.
Richard Branson Missouri – A theme park built to imitate the wholesome Midwestern town with its many live music theaters, clubs and other entertainment venues. From the air Richard Branson Missouri will be in the shape of a giant beard, an idea previously deployed in the UK by Branson's twin brother, Noel Edmonds.
Branson 
Noel
In this first in a series of irregular features, Markus Randall, Mr Damian's Agony Aunt, answers your questions:
Not a lot of people know this, but Pornowood, the American Adult Entertainment Industry makes more money each year than Hollywood. Not only is it’s cost base lower, (porn has yet to feel the need to embrace CGI for example,) but it’s gross – literally and financially – is also greater.
Many of Pornowood’s best loved classics have been inspired by Tinseltown originals – with the concept reworked for an adult audience. Who can forget the reworking of 90s classics Cliffhanger and Saving Private Ryan, into Cliffbanger and Shaving Ryan’s Privates, respectively.
With this in mind, Mr Damian reveals the Top 10 Porn Adaptations soon to be released – both literally and literally – by Pornowood.
Farrenheit 69
Michael wants Moore. But he’s anti-Bush. A classic cumming out story.
After the Moneyshot
Pierced Brosnan and Woody ‘The Wood’ Harrelson play ‘hide the diamond’.
Bad Santa
This Christmas Billy Bob isn’t just coming down the chimney.
Wimbledon
New balls please! It gets hot and steamy in the locker room when Kirsty Dunst and Paul Brittany get together for a love match.
The Incredibles
These guys have to be seen to be believed! Cast includes Molly Hunter and Samuel ‘Love Machine’ Jackson.
The Menstruating Candidate
For men who like to have their jam and eat it. With Denis Washington.
Wankerman
Wee Willy Ferrell stars in this 70s-set comedy about an unusual, and fatally flawed (is there any other kind?) superhero.
The Porn Supremacy
Sequel to the 2001 hit. Matt Dreamon travels round the world with his deadly weapon in a world where you either shag, or be shagged.
Shriek 2
The gang back and this time the girls are screaming even louder. Contains an ogre orgy which has to be seen to be believed.
King Arsehole
Clive Orwen as the legendary British Monarch who made women 'Cumalot' when he took them up the roundtable.
MV our documentary correspondent writes:
Following the success of Morgan Spurlock’s documentary ‘Supersize Me!’ a mens health group based in the UK is creating a spin off to further their cause.
‘Circumcise Me!’ hopes to inform British men of the benefits of circumcision. It’s now widely accepted that the transmission of a number of sexually transmitted diseases is reduced in men with an al fresco member – as one Doctor told us “them germs have got nowhere to hide”.
With sexual infection rates now at an all time high the group is “quite literally taking matters into their own hands” as spokeswoman Sheila Jackson put it earlier today. Ms Jackson, who also advocates female circumcision “just for the hell of it” also commented that circumcised men are 30% less likely to drive a Ford Escort with tinted windows with a further 55% less likely to be called Darren than those with the spectrum of penile flesh. “Circumcision,” she argues “can therefore be seen to rid society of three evils, not just one.”
The documentary follows a group of penile crusaders as they try to convince men in McDonalds restaurants around the country to trim their luncheon meat.
At least one patron has been caught unawares by the campaign. The legal team for Dave Lyle from Chester released a statement today saying: “Our client thought he was being asked ‘Do you want fries with that’, the actual question was ‘Do you want to be circumcised with that?’ It’s a simple misunderstanding but he feels completely naked without his foreskin.”
In response, Lord Kehee QC who is defending the penile crusaders told us that “an uncircumcised man is a snivelling little baby, but ten times as worse.”
Meanwhile in France groups have been known to terrorise customers in bars across the country shouting “outre de avec leurs têtes” (off with their heads) before dragging unsuspecting men off to the gents where they then do unspeakable things to them.
A rival group however has started to hit back, by running guerrilla campaign designed to stop the documentary from airing across Europe. ‘Fathers for Foreskins’ emphasises that the male member should be left “as God intended”.
Recently scaled, but taking the tablets helped.
Last week protesters scaled the phallic gherkin building in the City of London and unveiled a huge pink tarpaulin at the top.
'Fathers for Foreskins' has been linked with the subversive group ‘Foreskins Against Bush’, a collection of foreskin activists in North America who view themselves as “a cut above the rest” and where circumcision is obligatory for new born babies.
With the rhetoric on both sides kicking up a notch, this may not quite be the Roundheads versus the Cavaliers, but it remains a bloody battle nonetheless.
'How you doing?' is the famous chat up line of Matt Le Blanc's character in Friends, but the answer if you're an Australian clearly seems to be 'not very well mate'.
Le Blanc has just launched his own spin-off sitcom, Joey, in the US to mixed reviews, a fact which has been met with much disappointment by Australian TV Execs who bought it at great expense without ever having seen an episode.
However, all is not lost, as there are plans to remake the series for a domestic audience wth Le Blanc's character replaced by a baby Kangaroo.
"The kids will love it and probably wont notice the difference in acting standards" said one Exec, "and it will appeal to the nostalgia felt by the Skippy generation too."
Indeed.
(Explanation for our American readers)
US fashion outlets are expecting brisk business when Mel Gibson and Donatella Versace today launch perhaps the most unlikely piece of movie merchandising ever – a clothing range inspired by Gibson’s biblical epic The Passion of Christ.
The film, which broke box office records around the world, divided critics - some of whom saw it as a powerful and challenging piece of cinema whilst others thought it was anti-Semitic and nothing more than a product of it’s director’s rampaging ego.
Now the release of a clothing collection inspired by outfits worn by stars such as James Caviezel and Monica Bellucci is guaranteed to put the movie on the front page news once again.
The launch of the ‘Crucifixion’ range has startled many fashion experts who believed that the urban hip-hop image would continue to prevail. Versace however claim that there is a huge advance demand for line they are launching, especially in the US Bible belt.
“We live in dangerous times” a spokesman told us “and many people are keen to go back to a more simple way of life, a more godly way of life, and one way of doing this is by wearing Versace.”
Christians - dedicated followers (of Fashion)
Fellow fashion visionary P Diddy has also announcement that he’ll be launching his own range of biblically inspired clothing, suggesting that this may indeed be the shape of clothes to come.
TV adverts encouraging customers to “resurrect their wardrobe” and “dress like every night is your last supper” are expected to air in the autumn.
Following the success of Morgan Spurlock's fast food film Super Size Me, Mr Damian looks ahead to the raft of copycat documentaries coming to your screens in the next couple of months:
Finger Lickin' Good - Paris Hilton and Nick Carter do things which would turn Colonel Sanders hair white.
Burger King - John Goodman - the original Big Whopper - visits a South Pacific island where the locals suddenly proclaimed him their monarch with hilarious consequences.
Wendy's Wendy - Comedian Dave Gorman tours the US in a second-hand Winnebago in his bid to meet every Wendy's worker called Wendy.
She's Lovin' It (in certain circumstances) - Jerry Springer narrates the tragic tale of Will Mercer III whose wife refuses to make love to him unless he's dressed as Ronald McDonald.
Jabba the Pizza Hut - in a galaxy far far away (well Poughkeepsie anyway,) one man's bid to fulfil a life long ambition and open a Star Wars themed pizza restaurant.
Singer Michael Jackson's lawyers have suggested that a prosecutor in his child abuse case violated a "gag" order imposed by the court.
Last month, prosecutor Tom Sneddon was spotted in a Hooters with some mates. Under the terms of his employment, and the court order, Sneddon is barred from making any gags about the case, however fellow diners insist that he proceeded to tell jokes about the black/white singer all evening.
Witnesses reported him making some of the following jokes:
Q: Did you hear about Michael Jackson's latest record?
A: "Feel the World."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Little Boy Blue.
Little Boy Blue who?
Michael Jackson.
I just bought a new car stereo... When you shout out "Soul", it plays soul music. When you shout out "Rock", it plays rock music. Some kids ran in front of my car, and I shouted "fucking kids!", and it played Michael Jackson.
Q: What does Michael Jackson call a circumcision?
A: Foreplay.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and Dr. Spock have in common?
A: They both know how to rear a child.
Q: Where's Michael going on holiday?
A: He's off to Tampa with the kids.
In response to these allegations, Mr Damian contacted the host of the popular Tonight Show, Jay Leno who told us "judging by the quality of these jokes, if I'd have been Sneddon, I wouldn't have violated that gag order. In fact the quality is such that arguably he didn't."
Jay Leno's father was a badger.
Fox TV are today expected to announce their autumn line up, including a reality show which they promise ‘will change the face of the western world’.
The Fall Season is the big one for US TV Networks. Each year firm favourites return with new series and big bucks are spent promoting what executives hope will become the next generation of money spinners.
This September will be no exception, with more Will & Grace, Pop Idol as well as new shows such as the Friends spin off Joey as well as CSI New York and Law and Order Poughkeepsie.
However all the industry gossip is centred around Fox’s new reality show. Word has it that the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger as Californian Governor will emerge as a Truman Show style set up, with the US’ most populated state all being duped as part of the elaborate sting.
Fox Executives are said to be a little nervous about how the public will react to this ‘outing’ but current focus group polls suggest that the show biz loving populace will be so delighted that Arnie will be asked to stay on and do the job ‘for real’.
Like you, Mr Damian will watch this space with interest.
A well known Iranian newspaper has reported the highly controversial story of a woman who claims to have given birth to a frog.
The Iranian daily Etemaad claims that the creature could have have grown from larva to an adult frog inside her body. The exact mechanics of this would have worked are unclear, but the paper contains quotes from a number of experts who note the genetic similarities between humans and frogs.
It has been speculated that the woman, who has not been named, unknowingly picked up the larva while she was swimming in a dirty pool, and follows similar instances of women giving birth to dead flies, waterboatmen and the occassional drowned bumble bee.
Speaking exclusively to Mr Damian, the MEP Robert Kilroy Silk said "french women have been giving birth to frogs for this - this is just another example of the onion chomping baguette waving lefties trying to take over the world."
The French were unavailable to comment as the nation is in mourning following their Euro 2004 defeat against Greece.
Robert Kilroy Silk is a member of the UK Independence Party, and some people think he talks a lot of sense.
Following the booing which accompanied David Beckham winning an award at the high profile multicultural media awards, the Emmas, organisers hastily decided to drop the lifetime achievement award which had been slated for the show, and which was to be given to the former football manager Ron Atkinson.
"Ron's done a lot for the black community" said a spokesperson, "and we felt this should be recognised - especially given the bad publicity he has recevied recently".
Atkinson is response is said to have openly wept when he recevied the award - drying his eyes on the white robe he was wearing he sobbed:"I never knew the niggers loved me so much" before adding "to everyone who came down from their tree to vote for me, I'm very grateful".
Not everyone was so concilitary however, comedian (sic) Jim Davidson was said to be outraged that he had not received an award and as a result said that he may not do his infamous Chalky routine ever again.
In contrast Roy Chubby Brown laughed and punched Bernard Manning in the face, Mr Damian's personal highlight of the evening.
This was send to us by mistake, so we've passed it on to our friends at the BBC...
Dear BBC,
As a closet homosexual I’ve often felt that Auntie has had little to offer me (David Starkey on Radio 4 aside,) so I was delighted to read in the Radio Times that there was a new programme coming to BBC One called “Dick and Dom”.
At last I thought - a programme on homosexual S&M – just what I pay my licence fee for.
Imagine my disappointment therefore when I discovered that this was a children’s programme without nipple clamp or a spanking stick insight.
Please please please can you do your best to cater for older more mature viewers such as myself, as well as the young children? I do not believe that these two goals need not be mutually exclusive.
For example, perhaps in one episode Dom could be tied up as a gimp, which would teach children about the importance of behaving properly, whilst at the same time providing me with a welcome opportunity to pull the pudding?
I have lots of ideas in this vein which I would be happy to share with you at a time of your choosing (but midnight on Hampstead Heath is always good for me).
Yours sincerely,
Peter Kite
1. "Don't Fuck With Me" Father - Meet the Parents
2. "Don't Fuck With Me" Naval Man - Men of Honour
3. "Don't Fuck with Me" Upmarket Robber - Ronin
4. "Don't Fuck With Me" Not Quite So Upmarket Robber - Heat
5. "Don't Fuck With Me" Mafia Guy - Casino
6. "Don't Fuck With Me" Mafia Guy - Goodfellas
7. "Don't Fuck With Me" Mafia Guy - The Godfather - Part Two
8. "Don't Fuck With Me, or my wife, I put on 50 lbs you know," Boxer - Raging Bull
9. "Don't Fuck With Me" Monster - Frankenstein
10. "Don't Fuck With Me" Psycho - Cape Fear
Mr Damian understands that further to an earlier report, William Goldman (All the President's Men) has been sacked from this project and Ray Cooney (Run For Your Wife,) has been asked to rewrite the project, with Mel Brooks (The Producers) being asked to provide some additional script doctoring.
"Plans have changed" our source said, before rushing off to a breakfast meeting with John Cleese and Steve Martin to see if he could "get them on board".