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• Burberry to Sponsor Air Force One
• Mr Damian made an OBE
• Top 10 Ways To Freak People Out In Your Office
• Mr Damian encourages readers to knit jumpers for penguins
• Jackson Moonwalks to Freedom
WAP Site
Former British rock star Gary Glitter has been jailed for three years after a Vietnamese court found him guilty of sexually abusing two young girls, leaving record shops unsure of what to do with his back catalogue.
Glitter, real name, Paul Gadd, shot to stardom in the 1970s with hits such as Rock and Roll (Part 2) and Leader of the Gang.
His big hair and flamboyant costumes, kept him in the public eye as he continued to tour Butlins Holiday Camps and Piers throughout the 1980s and 1990s.
Glitter was convicted of possessing child pornography in Britain in 1999 and served half of a four-month jail sentence, later moving to Cambodia and Vietnam in order to get away from the press.
Medical experts suspect that Glitter has for many years suffered from a prediliction for under age sex, listening to his music for clues.
Aside from his music, hair and costumes, Top Five Reasons why we should have suspected that Glitter should have been put away years ago:
1. Do You Wanna Touch Me? (Oh Yeah!)
2. Doing Alright With the Boys
3. Oh Yes! You're Beautiful
4. You Belong To Me (Bitch)
5. I Didn't Know I Loved You ('Til I Saw You Rock and Roll at the Youth Club)
Glitter's attempt to forge a new career as a Billy Bob Thornton impersonator fooled no one.
Hey Hey
A scientist has castigated The Arctic Monkeys for setting a bad example to children.
'I wouldn't be surprised if millions of youngsters think there really is monkeys in the arctic now, when we all know there aren't,' said Professor John Holdwell of Keele University.
'Pop stars have an obligation to act as role models to their fans,' he added, 'and that means not just morally but also factually.'
Gawd help us
William Shatner is working on an album with ex Guns and Roses rocker Axl Rose.
The Shat
Birds
Moby is a keen pigeon fancier.
'I've learnt more from one pigeon than I have most humans,' the bald one told us.
Whether pigeons are also sick of his music being across every advert under the sun he didn't say.
Trousersnake
Justin Timberlake is considering recording a duet with beau Cameron Diaz.
'She's got a great voice,' the bum fluff faced one said.
Mrs Trousersnake
Brazilian
After riding high in pop charts once again Leo Sayer reckons its time he cracks Brazil.
'If the Stones can do it, so can I,' the mop topped one opined.
Alan Brazil the former footballer was unavailable for comment.
Kiss from a Rose?
A scientist has castigated pop star Seal for setting a bad example to children.
'I wouldn't be surprised if millions of youngsters think that Seals and men are one and the same thing when actually they're completely different animals, and very few Canadian clubbed animals get to sleep with supermodels' said Professor John Holdwell of Keele University.
'Pop stars have an obligation to act as role models to their fans,' he added, 'and that means not just morally but also factually.'
Mr Seal
Confessions from the Ladies
Madonna was overhead discussing making a duet with KT Tunstall, 'they'd be an awesome combination,' one music insider said. let's just hope the don't do a Britney/Madonna style lesbian kiss then, some things are guaranteed to be even more nauseous than their music.
It's not just the tongues that were wagging
Wilhelm gets the Hoff
The Kaiser Chiefs pretty much swept the board at the Brits 2006, but for some reason they've yet to make it big in Germany where David Hassellhoff outsells them 50-1. 'We don't quite get it,' their manager said, 'we think perhaps Germany's not quite ready for our music just yet.' Yes, I'm sure that's it.
Rubber Chicken
Craig David may have missed out on best urban act to Dallas Chicken loving Lemar, but the smooth singing crooner is busy telling anyone who will listen that mobile phones are the future for the industry. 'His music actually does sound better down a phone line,' one critic said, although we don't think this is quite where David is coming from.
Making Their Mind Up
Singers (sic) Antony Costa and Kym Marsh are among the hopefuls bidding to become the UK's representative at this year's Eurovision Song Contest. No jokes there. This one's actually true.
Dull Dull Dull
Coldplay who won the best album award have decided to take a break for a couple of years in order to write a new song, 'we can't believe we've got away with only having one tune for this long,' Chris Martin told us.
Don't worry Chris, U2 have got away with it for even longer.
Not derivative in the slightest
Legendary disc spinner Norman Cook aka Fatboy Slim has told Mr Damian how a chance choice of dress saved his life in the early hours of this morning after a boozy night out on the tiles.
Cook, married to former children's TV presenter Zoe Ball, had been attending an awards event in London when he decided to take a late night stroll along the River Thames. 'Whilst admiring the view from Waterloo Bridge I tripped and fell in,' the Rockerfeller Skank told us. |  Fat Boy gets out his 12 incher |
 Hofftastic | 'I can't swim so naturally I panicked, especially as I could see the Hoff [Baywatch star and legendary lifeguard David Hassellhoff] anywhere,' the Funk Soul Brother joked. Fortunately for the ex Housemartin his outfit, a tuxedo from Moss Bros, absorbed enough air on impact to keep him afloat until passers by could help pull him out. |
'Last night a DJ saved my life' the remixer said.
Now that Alanis is ironic. This...
'...It's like rain on your wedding day
It's a free ride when you've already paid
It's the good advice that you just didn't take
Who would've thought...it figures...'
...is most definitely not.
He's Come A Long Way Baby
Jason Donovan's manager has confirmed that the former soap and musical star will make his international comeback by singing Australia's entry in the 2006 Eurovision music contest.
2006 will be the first time that Australia has taken part in the contest, as it joins other countries such as Israel, who aren't technically part of the continent, but who are still able to participate.
 Jason: Entry 'Sealed with a Hetrosexual Kiss' |
Donovan was a regular fixture in the UK pop charts during the late 1980s where he had a string of hits including the Stock Aitken And Waterman classic 'Too Many Broken Hearts' and 'Any Dream Will Do' from the musical Joesph, a show in which he also played the title role.
Since then his appearance on stage have been minimal, short seasons in the West End musical 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang' being perhaps the most notable. The move to have him wave the Australian flag has met with a mixed response down under, with many critics suggesting that a new younger talent would have been a more appropriate choice, whilst Russell Crowe has expressed disappointment that his band wasn't selected. |
|
Especially for You It's not known at present what song Mr Donovan, son of the 60s Mellow Yellow Star, Donovan will sing, but top Aussie talents including John Farnham, Mental as Anything and Midnight Oil are all said to be writing songs. 'We're keen to put Australia on the European map' said rock journalist Sid Pointing 'so we need the best song we can get. We're looking forward to bringing a bit of sunshine to the contest. Jase will bring the house down.' |  80s heyday |
RSVP
Australians from former co-star Kylie Minogue, to Bouncer, cricketer Shane Warne and the late Kerry Packer all rushed to support the move, encouraging the country to vote in their millions.
Whether Harold will approve or not is another matter, whether Eurovision 2007 will be held in Lassiters or not only time will tell.
Harold famously preferred Stefan Dennis' 'Don't It Make You Feel Good', instead.
| The good news is that he's not going to be making any new records for a while, but the bad news is that Sting and his wife Trudy are gong to be setting up a new business acting as life coaches to the stars.
'All our friends are always asking for our advise anyway,' the talentless one said, 'so it made sense to start charging them for it.' Good to see that the Spirit of Christmas is still very much alive at Sting Towers. |  Smug free zone |
Unholy
Despite her name, Charlotte Church doesn't go to Church. 'I don't believe all that religious crap' she told us, 'anyway I'd probably just get wrecked on the communion wine.' Indeed.
Pussy
Atomic Kitten are said to be getting back together to do a series of charity gigs in order to raise money for victims of the Tsunami which struck Asia last Christmas. The concerts will be held in major cities across the region, as the girls were keen that the concerts happened in the areas which had been affected.
Suffer the little children to come unto me and forbid them not
'We wanted to do something for all the children who suffered last year,' they said.
I'd have though they'd suffered enough. Let's just hope they have the good taste not to do one of their biggest hits: their version of the Blondie classic 'The Tide Is High'.
Miaow
The Pussycat Dolls are are neither Pussycats or Dolls, a mole tells us, but a bunch of transsexual hookers who got spotted in a bar in Taiwan by an as yet unnamed music svengali.
'They can't believe their luck,' a friend told me.
Mr Damian can't believe it either.
Those jawlines are a dead giveaway...
As double acts go, it's certainly unusual, but in the world of popular music nothing is impossible.
| The battle to be the prestigious UK Xmas Number One is 'all but over' according to leading bookmakers William Hill who this week announced that they will no longer be taking any bets on the annual race to be top of the pops.
A charity single released next week teams the unlikely duo of R&B star R Kelly with never popular children's puppet, Orville - the pair bringing together their non-existant talents to raise money for the victims of the recent earthquake in Pakistan. The single, features a Double A side - with Orville singing R Kelly's classic (sic) 'I Believe I Can Fly' whilst the R&B child molester sings Orville's 80s bargain basement fave 'I Wish I Could Fly'. The record has been produced by Pop Idol judge and high trousered music guru Simon Cowell, who denies that the record is merely a gimmick. 'What we're doing here is creating a real crossover hit. They were both big hits, but how many R Kelly fans know Orville's work and vice versa? Soon they will, and we'll make loads of money for a good cause in the process' said the blow dried one. |    The singers deny they're a couple |
Girls Aloud star Cheryl Tweedy admitted that her group was backing the song, admitting they'd even dropped their own Christmas release, 'Mulled Mulled Wine' a clever reworking of the UB40 classic 'Red Red Wine' to ensure that R Kelly and Orville quite literally fly to the top of the charts.
Now, where's that mistletoe?
Wrinkly rockers The Rolling Stones released a new album this week, a long player which suggested that time might finally be catching up with the band. Mr Damian investigates the track listing for evidence.
Disabled Access to Babylon
1: Start Me Up (with a nice cuppa tea)
2: Mild Horses
3: Root Canal 66
4: Time Isn't On My Side
5: Ruby Wedding
Keef's groupies form an orderly queue...
6: Splendida (Brown Sugar remix)
7: Paint It Magnolia
8: I Want To Be Your Gran
9: Jumping Jack Bus Pass
10: Hey, You, Get Off My Colostomy Bag
The Stones are currently on tour in the US.
Each show lasts about 3 hours - 90 mins of music and 90 mins of toilet breaks.... for the band.
Controversial singer Marilyn Manson was gunned down this morning by a group of angry swans who then proceeded to wander through the streets showing off his stuffed body as a trophy of war, Mr Damian reports.
The incident, which took place outside a faux Gothic Castle somewhere in California, USA, is said to be a revenge attack following a recent Swan related gift given by Manson to his girlfriend - the burlesque artist - Dita von Teese.
Manson - even in death he was still weird
As was widely reported in a number of newspapers, Manson recently bought his taxidermy loving honey two stuffed swans who were about to copulate. It's understood that his murder was revenge by the swan community for this perceived insult.
The attack comes just three weeks since a group of swans admitted having been involved in the murder of legendary rapper Tupac Shakur, and a week after the British Monarch, Queen Elizabeth II, admitted that she had hired a group of swans as her private bodyguards.
Pretty darn vicious I should say
'What this shows is that the animals are fighting back' said pop culture guru Paris Hilton, 'we ignore their feelings at our peril'.
Paris Hilton was tucking into a swan terrine when she spoke to us, and was last seen being chased down Rodeo Drive by a pack of angry swans baying for her E-list celebrity blood.
Frank Sinatra was unavailable for comment.
It was hailed as 'the greatest show on Earth', and was shown by more than 140 TV channels across the world, but will it make any difference?
Whilst the public watched the Live 8 shows in their millions, it's still not known if the 10 concerts that took place on Saturday will be enough to influence the G8 leaders to solve one of the biggest problems facing the world: how to stop Sting from disappearing up his own arse.
Self arse bandit
Live 8 organiser Bob Geldof has publically stated that the events served to highlight the issue, but privately he remains concerned that the politicians will be prepared to let the ex-Police singer suffocate in his own sphincter.
'The problem is that he hasn't done a decent song in years' one leading politcian told us, 'and that makes it hard for us. I mean, he did the same songs on Saturday that he did 20 years ago, which just compounded the issue really.'
Shows were held in 10 cities, including London, Philadelphia, Paris, Berlin, Johannesburg, Rome and Moscow, and organisers estimated that 85% of the world's population would have been able to tune into the event.
Whether it's enough to save Sting from public and political indifference remains to be seen.
250,000 people came out to support Sting in London's Hyde Park
A 16 year old British boy from the Isle of Wight is set to become the next world wide music sensation, Mr Damian reveals.
John Ellis, who describes his music as a mixture of hip hop and rap, discovered whilst doing a school project that his cousin - fifty times removed - is the US megastar 50 Cent.
In Da Club
'Doing the project made me realise that music was my destiny. It is my calling,' John told Mr Damian.
After a series of auditions before ruthless A&R men, a bitter battle then ensued as rival labels tried to sign a man that one talent scout claimed 'could be bigger than the Wonderstuff.'
Now, a mere 6 weeks since he signed for Notorious BMG, Ellis is set to be unleashed onto an unsuspecting public - his label seeking to cash in on his famous cousin by giving the youngster a new stage name: 'One Cent'.
'I'm really excited' the boy told us, 'as soon as I've got my GCSE's out of the way I'm going to be bigging it up and having it so large I'll be supersize.'
Don't worry, we've no idea what that meant either.
A different kind of wrapper
The Dave Matthews Band has agreed to pay $200,000 (£105,000) after their tour bus dumped human waste on a boatload of tourists in Chicago.
The band's bus dumped the raw sewage while crossing a bridge over the Chicago River in August 2004, directly onto the heads of a cruise organised by The Eagles Fan Club.
Last month, the driver of the bus pleaded guilty to the charges, but admitted that it had been "quite a laugh anyway."
Illinois Attorney General Lisa Madigan called the settlement "reasonable and appropriate given the public health threat cause by this foul incident."
The money from the settlement will go into a fund for environmental protection and other projects.
The band also agreed to take steps to avoid any repeat incident, by recording when and where its tour buses empty septic tanks.
Summing up the judge said "I always thought the Dave Matthews band was full of shit, looks like I was wrong."
Indeed.
Sharing their shit with their fans and non fans alike
He was the spokesman for a new generation in the early 60s when his poetic songs expressed the feelings of youth’s across the world, but Dylan has told CBS’ 60 Minutes that he was no prophet. His followers however disagree, arguing that Dylan had a unique ability to reach out and touch people.
 Profiteer | “We were just individual voices wailing in the wilderness” one individual told us “then Bob provided a rallying point and we realised we were not alone, there were others like us, and that between us we could change the world.”
Dylan has always denied that his message was revolutionary, arguing that "My stuff -- (they) were songs, they weren't sermons," he tells 60 Minutes. "If you examine the songs I don't believe you're going to find anything in there that says that I'm a spokesman for anybody or anything really." Others however disagree with him and have told Mr Damian that the former folk singer is their Messiah. These same followers are now urging Dylan to rise up and reclaim his crown from modern day impostors such as Eminem and Sting. |
| For Dylan these claims cause considerable embarrassment, to the extent that he has always tried to distance himself from those who have taken his message to an extreme. We tracked down one group of disciples who talk about their lives in terms of years BD (Before Dylan) and AD (After Dylan). To these people Bob, or Mr Tambourine Man as they reverently call him, is their soothsayer to the dangers of modern day living. “He said the times were a changing, and they did. He said there would be blood on the tracks and their was. Our message to others is How does it feel to be without a home like a complete unknown like a rolling stone? Join us, and you’ll never need to know.” |  Not the Messiah, but a very naughty boy |
The group who live in a make shift caravan site in the middle of the Utah are now waiting for the next great prophesy from their God. “We know that the answer my friend is blowing in the wind, but noise pollution in the city is such that you’d probably never hear it. Only in the desert can Bob really speak to you.”
 | They may have a long wait, the group who don’t have television, or indeed a radio, just some old 8 track cartridges of early Dylan albums will have missed their hero’s admission to 60 Minutes that:
"I never wanted to be a prophet or a savior. Elvis maybe. I could see myself becoming him. But prophet? No. To be honest I only became a musician to get laid." Didn’t we all. |
Kid Rock today sensationally announced that he will retire from music at the end of the year due to a unique medical condition.
It's understood that Kid Rock - real name - Kid Rock - is a suffering from a rare degenerative disease which means that biologically he is getting younger every day to the extent that soon his body and his mind will be co-aligned. A scary prospect indeed.
Dr RS Hole, editor of the medical journal The Lanced Boil told us this was a very rare disease "effecting one in a billion - where someone is born as an old man or a woman, but where they get younger with every passing day."
This means that someone born on the same day as you or I will eventually be a baby by the time they time, whereas we will be old and grey.
Music commentator Paul Gambachini expressed shock at the news, but told Mr Damian "I suppose his name was a giveaway - it was his cry for help." whilst Radiohead singer Tom "Duke of" Yorke admitted that he'd known about this for years and that their song Kid A had actually been about Kid R(ock).
A degenerative illness, it's not known if this is responsible for the singers terrible dress sense, or the end of his relationship with Pamela Anderson, although he has promised to reveal all on an upcoming Oprah special - provided filming finishes before his bedtime.
At this stage it's not known whether or not his father, The Rock, will also take part in the filming or not. Mr Damian will, like you, therefore have to simply have to watch this space and see what happens.
Father: caught between a stone object and a place harder than his abs
Legendary British rock group Pink Floyd are set to reform for a special one off gig according to music industry insiders. The band, who enjoyed worldwide success with albums such as The Dark Side of the Moon and Wish You Were Here, have had a turbulent past, but that's soon to be put behind them if bass player Roger Waters has his way.
Now that the Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat has gone to the great gig in the sky, Mr Damian understands that preparations are underway for a large concert to take place in the Gaza strip, modelled on Waters' high profile performance of Pink Floyd's 'The Wall' album in Berlin a decade ago.
Speaking exclusively to Mr Damian we asked Waters if he was keen "to do something for the Middle East?"
"Sure," he replied, "especially if it makes us shed loads of money at the same time. Why not?"
Roger Waters is not appearing on the new Band Aid single and is generally a total twat. He is not just motivated by money. Honest.
Yesterday singer Britney Spears announced that she was going to take "time off to enjoy life", saying she wants to let "other overexposed blondes" replace her on the covers of magazines and in the tabloid gossip columns.
Referring to the chaotic nature of her life in the past couple of years, which included a 55-hour marriage to childhood friend Jason Alexander in January, she said she had been a "naive, young, blonde girl" who was pushed into things by advisors.
Naive, young and blonde
Now however Spears seems to have retracted her statement, telling Mr Damian that she was a "naive, young, blonde girl" when she announced her decision to take a sabbatical.
“I’m all grown up now” the epitome of trailer trash told us, “and now I’m going back to work and I’m going to be working and miming harder than ever before.”
Britney Spears is a girl not yet a woman, and her decision to go back to work is by no means final.
Following the success of Saddam the musical, Cubans plan to raise money for reconstruction efforts following hurricane Ivan with a new song and dance show.
Fidel on the Roof, will be loosely based around the communist leader's life. The musical chronicles the events from Castro’s overthrow of the government of Fulgencio Batista in 1959 to present day.
The intermission will be livened up by the gangster rap group “Castro GTX”. The outfit is widely known as a propaganda machine for the Cuban government with their songs about smooth running engines and the like.
Songs from the show will include “Don’t cry for me Mr Khrushchev” and “I left my Exploding Cigar in Havana”.
All seats will cost the same.
For sports stars the world over it's the ultimate accolate to have a stand in a stadium named after them. But where sport went first, music has designed to follow - and it's decided to go one better. Australian authorities today announced that the opening of a new music venue just outside cultural capital Sydney.
'The Tina Arena Arena' is named after one of the land down under's most popular stars. No longer in chains Miss Arena has recorded songs in French and also took the leading role in London's West End musical, 'Notre Dame de Paris'. No, we'd never heard of it either.
Kyle Springer of the Sydeny Board for Musical Development said 'with the Tina Arena Arena we hope to create a new venue for great musicians from around the world. It's our hope that the venue will soon become a major destination on the world tour map and we look forward to welcoming the Rolling Stones here for the inaugral gig later on in the year.'
Mick Jagger, who was unable to attend the launch due to a prior engagement, sent a video message noting that he looked forward to 'filling the Tina Arena to the brim'.
Tina Arena was unavailable for comment.
As has been reported by a number of major news broadcasters, the trial judge in the Michael Jackson case has announced that a number of items of evidence from the case are to be discounted.
Judge Rodney Melville made the preliminary ruling at a pre-trial hearing in California.
As of next week this discounted items will be available in Best Buys stores for a limited time only and also on eBay.
Like many music lovers Mr Damian has remained somewhat mystified by the continually high level of new records produced by dead rapper Tupac Shakur. The 25 year old rapper was shot dead in 1996, and yet since then his record label have continued to produce a steady stream of successful new albums.
Dead or what?
As a result conspiracy theories abound with many convinced that Tupac is still alive, or that impersonators are being employed to recreate his sound.
The truth, as we discovered, is out there and it’s none of the above.
It appears that Radio One DJ and self-styled gangsta Tim Westwood has been acting as a vessel for Shakur, allowing the dead rapper to take control of his body – often for days at a time – in order for new material to be laid down, some pool to be shot and the occasional lady given some Tupac-style “California Love”.
Westwood: Vessel
This isn’t the first time that bishop’s boy Westwood has been used in this way. Notorious BIG and the German religious reformer Martin Luther have also been known to inhabit his body, the later being a mistake when Westwood’s psychic tried to contact the black civil rights leader Martin Luther King and got it slightly wrong.
Tim Westwood is regarded as the most influential figure in European hip hop and regularly wears oversized trousers.
Birds do it, Bees do it. Even Educated Fleas do it, well Flea from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers anyway, and Queen’s Brian May is a big fan too.
I am of course talking about Air Guitar, a phenomenon previously confined to the bedrooms of teenage boys and now an active past-time for boys who never grew up the world over.
Now there’s a new craze sweeping the Southern States of America, Christian Air Guitar, which sees congregations of thousands trashing their air guitars in time with the hymns. Bands in churches, especially those of a more evangelical vent, are not a new invention, but this new form of godly Christian participation arguably is.
The man who started it is Rev Jim Peterson from Athens Tennessee. A self confessed Beatles fan and air guitar lover, this man of the cloth designed to combine these pastimes with his love of God. Now, just three months on, the craze is sweeping the bible belt faster than a bush fire. “It’s amazing” Reverend Jim told us “proof indeed that the Lord moves in mysterious ways.”
Rev Jim’s Beatles reworkings have also had the thumbs up from old thumbs up himself, Paul McArseny. The mop-topped Just For Men using multi-millionaire is said to be delighted that the Beatles music is reaching a new audience, a delight no doubt influenced by the forthcoming album of Christian Beatles Classics.
Music analysts are already predicting that the album will go multi-platinum, netting Apple Corps as well as Rev Jim Peterson millions of dollars.
Mr Damian asked Rev Jim what he would spend his new found wealth on, “crack, porn and hookers” seemed to be the main gist of it, although he promised to “give some of it to charity I suppose” too.
Lawyers of the eccentric self styled ‘King of Pop’, Michael Jackson have struck an extraordinary deal with the US courts Mr Damian has discovered.
According to sources in the justice system, if found guilty Jackson has been granted permission to relocate his Neverland ranch on the site of the former Soviet nuclear power station Chernobyl. Jackson’s attorney confirmed that a secret arrangement had been made, “it’s well know that paedos are targeted by other prisoners, and its likely that because of his celebrity status Michael would be even more of a target” they said.
“Therefore we saw only two options, solitary confinement in a federal penitentiary which we thought that Michael’s fragile state would be unable to cope with, or else solitary confinement elsewhere. In these circumstances Chernobyl seemed like the best option – do be honest Michael has as much chance surviving there as he does anywhere else, and at least this way he can still go on the Ferris wheel or vernacular railway every once in a while”.
The Chernobyl nuclear power plant blew up on April 25th 1986. To date it is believed to have caused over 2,500 deaths, marginally more than ‘Scream’ the duet between Michael Jackson and his sister Janet.
Mr Damian is somewhat disturbed to hear that David Hasselhoff is working on a hip hop album with Ice-T.
In response expect rivals to do more of the same.
Outkast have already expressed a desire to work with William ‘The Shat’ Shatner and 'LM6' is the covert stage name for former Six Million Dollar Man, Lee Majors.
Meanwhile our spies report that the boys from CHIPS are currently working on an a duet (should that not be a triet?) with Celine Dion whilst dead rapper Tupac is currently recording new material with one of the 80s biggest TV stars, Larry Hagman.
Expect all of these to be coming to a bargain basement near you soon.
The music business is in shock today after the Canadian leather/PVC clad (we can enever tell the difference) popstar Shania Twain admitted she was now a lesbian.
The perky popster who once sang 'I feel like a woman' appears to be living out her own lyrics.
Mr Damian looks forward to the leaked home videos on Ebay.
(And that's where references to leaking will end).
A number of media commentators have picked up on this story, but yet again only Mr Damian gets it right.
Contrary to popular belief, luxury jeweller Tiffany has not sued eBay over allegations that the online auctioneer has breached the Tiffany trademark by permitting fake items be sold on its domain.
Rather the online car boot site is being sued by former 80s pop star Tiffany. The flame haired songstress famous for her 1988 hit 'I Think We're Alone Now' and her terrible cover of the Beatles classic 'I Saw Her Standing There' has recently had a number of her bangles and oversize jumpers turn up on the site.
However upon closer inspection these items turned out to be fake. Tiffany, who now lives in a trailer park just outside Virginia Beach, is said to be frustrated that people are making money out of her name. "It's not on she says - these people are undermining me, my image and my music" she said before adding that "I never ever wore Pringle".
Tiffany is not as big in shopping malls as she once was.
The Greatest Hit of Tiffany will be released as a CD single in June 2008.
... but according to organisers of the Glastonbury Festival he's refused to play on a Sunday.
It's not all gloom and doom though, "Fatboy Slim has offered to spin some of his discs instead" a spokesman said, "we think his remix of Kum By Ya will bring the house down".
I don't know about you, but Mr Damian can't wait.
Our photographic correspondent Simon Kitzner answers your questions:
Question
Ever since the song "Hey Ya" by Andre 3000 of Outkast came out, everyone is shaking their Polaroid pictures. I have always been told that you should not shake a Polaroid picture, but I'm having a hard time convincing those around me that this is true. What is the answer?
Simon Kitzner says
"The short answer is no, you don't have to (and shouldn't) "shake it like a Polaroid picture."
Shaking or waving a Polaroid picture to help the development process originated in the early days of peel-apart film. After peeling the negative, the image needed to dry before it could be handled, so waving the photo helped it to dry more quickly.
When using the integral films (600, Spectra, 500, SX-70/Time-Zero, i-Zone) that are used in our most popular current camera models (Polaroid One, OneStep, JoyCam, etc.), the image develops and dries behind a clear plastic window and never touches the air, so shaking or waving has no effect.
In fact, shaking or waving can actually damage the image. Rapid movement during development can cause portions of the film to separate prematurely, or can cause "blobs" in the picture.
The best way to ensure a perfectly developed image is to simply lay the picture on a flat surface immediately after it exits the camera. Shield it from the wind and avoid bending, twisting, or otherwise disturbing it during development."
Hey Ya to that!
Grandstand showing highlights to music from the latest athletics championship.
The music is always Gold by Spandau Ballet.
Football Focus restarts and will include a montage over The Life of Riley by the Lightening Seeds.
There will 3-minute humorous (sic) package, which will involve showing an hilarious incident e.g. a pigeon landing on centre court just when Henman is about to serve.
The humour from this clip will be enhanced by playing this 3-second clip, rewinding it, and playing it again, before cutting to another equally amusing image.
This will all take place to the sound of Guru Josh and Hear the Drummer Get Wicked.
• Hot Gossip From The Brits
• Fatboy saved by fellow DJ
• Donovan to make music comeback
• All the latest gossip from the world of pop
• Orville and Kelly tipped for Xmas No1
• New album suggest Stones showing their age
• Marilyn Manson shot, then stuffed, by angry swans
• Live 8 - will it be enough to save Sting?
• 1 Cent to be unleashed on unsuspecting music world
• Band settles over sewage dumping
• Dylan says he is no prophet - his disciples disagree
• Kid Rock Admits To Just Being 12 Years Old
• Floydian Slip
• Britney Hits It One More Time
