Stories to: story@mrdamian.com
Comments to: comment@mrdamian.com
• Puppet Sooty says "I was a crack whore"
• Star Whores III
• Top Ten Burberry Sex Toys
• Does Fast Food Cause Sleep Wanking?
• Burberry to Sponsor Air Force One
• Mr Damian made an OBE
• Top 10 Ways To Freak People Out In Your Office
• Mr Damian encourages readers to knit jumpers for penguins
• Jackson Moonwalks to Freedom
WAP Site
The seventh Parliamentary Pancake Race took place this opposite the Houses of Parliament on College Green, in order to raise money for Rehab UK, a charity which supports people with brain injuries.
Clare Balding, one the UK's best known lesbians was the race starter amd responsible for ensuring that sporting equipment, namely frying pans were not used as weapons or as a means of making unseemly gestures.
Tossers
This new rule came in last year after a group of Tory grandees were seen to repeatedly spank former Conservative Party Leader William Hague on the bottom with their pans. Hague claimed 'to have thoroughly enjoyed the experience,' but his advsiros suggested that the ordeal left him black and blue for weeks, unable even to enjoy some rough and tumble with his judo partner Lord Coe.
Controversial
The race saw the team of media representatives securing first place, but the runners up position was mired in controversy with teams from the Commons, the Lords and sponsors Aramark all claiming second. As is traditional the dispute was ended after organisers threatened to make participants watch BBC Parliament.
'This just goes to show that members of the media are bigger tossers than anyone else,' said one race observer.
Number One Tosser
American footballing legend Flash Gordon has threatened to stand against Menzies Campbell next year should 'Ming the Merciless' win the Liberal Democrat election contest next month.
The move comes days after former Buck Rogers star Gil Gerard threatened to run against Simon Hughes, and a whole week after the former A Team and Battlestar Galactica member Dirk Benedict threaten to enter the UK political fray should outsider Chris Huhne win.
 Wilma helped Gerard buck his ideas up | If the plan comes to fruition it go bring as many as 1,000 new jobs to the area a spokesman said.
Political commentators have criticised the moves. Johnny Marr, former guitarist with The Smiths, and cousin of the former BBC Political Editor Andrew Marr, suggested 'there is a real danger these action will simply trivialise politics'. When Mr Damian asked him how quickly he would like this process to stop he simply replied: 'How soon is now?' Critics however have suggested that this could help to reinvigorate the political process. 'We need more Sci Fi legends involved in elective matters,' said Sci Fi fan John Brown, 63 speaking from the room he still has in his Mothers house. |
We're not talking about Brown here...
|
'Ming wants to take over the world,' Flash told us 'and I won't let him.'
Flash's intervention surprised many, not least because many feared that he had died sometime ago. 'Gordon's alive?' Brian Blessed said when we approached him. Whether the Liberal Democrats will continue to be or not, of course remains to be seen. |  Campbell wants to Ming for the UK |
The entire membership of the UK's third largest parliamentary political party, the Liberal Democrats, announced they were gay last night, during a private meeting with Mr Damian on Hampstead Heath.
The announcement follows recent announcements by senior MPs Simon Hughes and Mark Oaten that they'd had homosexual relations in the past. Now it seems, the rest of the party is following suit, admitting to a series of same sex dalliances at various points in the past.
 Campbell admitted being a tosser at school |
This revelation once again unifies a party which looked in danger of self destructing following the resignation of its alcoholic leader Charles Kennedy earlier this month.
Leadership contender Ming 'The Merciless' Campbell admitted he'd tossed off, and been tossed off, a few times as a young lad. 'It was all entirely healthy and makes me well suited to run the country,' the sprightly Scot said. |
|
Other however are less sure. Political writer Simon Haggled told us 'the Liberal Democrats may be out of the closet, but they're unlikely to be in the cabinet.'
Oscar Wilde couldn't have put it better. In a snap MORI poll done for Mr Damian last night in a bar on London's Old Compton Street, ordinary voters appear to be non-plussed by the revelations, with 64% saying it made them 'neither more likely, nor less likely, to vote for the party at a General Election.'
'This shows how enlightened we are as a country,' said social commentator Vanessa Feltz, 'perhaps soon we'll have our first gay Prime Minister?' she opined. The move has left the two main political parties, Labour and the Conservatives, unsure how to respond. 'We don't to lose the pink vote,' said one MP, 'but we're not going to jump on the uphill gardening bandwagon either. It's a tough call.' |
Privately staffers for both Prime Minister Tony Blair and Tory leader David Cameron are urging their leaders to stress their family man credentials but at the same time stress their empathy with the gay population.
'It shouldn't be hard for either of them to position themselves this way,' Simon Haggled told us. 'They both went to public schools, and we all know what happens there, and they've both got wives and children. Blair and Cameron have always been all things to all men politically, now they can be sexually as well.'
Tony Blair is expected to this week announce the reintroduction of fox hunting, but only in London, after a secret Government report suggested that fox flu could wipe out over 25% of the human population.
The review was instigated after the discovery that the famous Downing Street Chicken had had its neck broken by one of the red fellows.
The murder, captured on CCTV for all to see, was said to have incensed the animal loving PM to the extent that he broken down in a cabinet meeting and 'wept like a girl' after an aide passed him the news.
As part of the war on terror Blair authorised an MI5 led investigation into the crime, promising to bring the perpetrator to justice. Having done that one dark winters night armed with nothing but a flashlight and a large spade, Blair is understood to have broadened his war to include all foxes in urban areas.
 Hunters hunting the hunted |
Incest and Incensted The move to introduce hunting in London follows an earlier decision to ban similar activities in the countryside, a plan which met with widespread resistance at the time from inbred country folk wearing Barbor jackets and green wellies. Whilst the move is likely to be popular with city folk who regularly find their bins disturbed, windows kicked in, or garden gnomes stolen by foxes, there's concern that ruralites will turn into mercenaries descending on the capital to kill foxes without mercy of impunity. Blood thirsty 'I'm no fan of foxes, but my fear is that for a country boy it's not that big a step to go from killing a fox to killing a well heeled stockbroker, and the Government are encouraging people to go down that route.' |
|
Others such as the RSPCA were worried that the move would see an increase in the illegal fox trade, with illegally imported foxes dumped across the city so that they could in turn become nothing more than killing fodder.
The foxes were unavailable for comment. |  The Andrex Puppy soon found alternative employment |
Last week we ran our annual Christmas Caption Competition. Many thanks to all who entered, particularly Sky News who actually put their entry on air.
All the winners receive a free rebate from the European Union, and tea at Fortnum and Mason with Mr Damian.
Politics
Blair explains who made the decision to invade Iraq
Mr R Cook, Scotland
Music
Apple Martin loves the new Coldplay Album. Honest!
G Paltrow, London
Science
Scientist fails to get to grips with string theory
T Edison, US
UK Soldiers in Iraq are to be interviewed by the Ministry of Defence after allegations that Government property has been used for inappropriate activities.
A photograph passed to Mr Damian by a smoking man in a dark mac in a dimly lit public car park, shows that RAF Tornado fighter planes are being used by soldiers who have a passion for extreme water ski-ing.
'This is not appropriate use of Government property' an MOD spokesman told us, 'nevermind also being highly dangerous.'
The fast and the furiously wet
Boyo
One soldier, who wished to remain nameless (although his real name is Corporal Jeff Jones from Cardiff) told us that video games were to blame.
'When we're not shooting innocent civilians we get bored' he said, 'so lots of the boys kill time playing computer games.' For many of the Corporal's colleagues the lines between reality and the gaming world are becoming increasingly blurred.
'It's not uncommon for female soldiers to dress in their spare time as Lara Croft,' he added 'or for others to play real life Grand Theft Auto on the streets of Baghdad. It's bloddy madness,' he said shaking his head in a drug fuelled mixture of shame and confusion.
'This is very worrying' one Minister told us. 'The next thing you know we'll be playing Frogger in the Balkans and Doom with the Afghans.'
Still no sign of Osama...
The death in the UK of a Norwegian Blue parrot from the deadly H5N1 avian flu strain has been widely reported across the globe, however only Mr Damian that can expose the beaurocratic bungling that let to this unfortunate death.
The story which was first broken by news agency Reuters, came before British health officials had officially announced the animal dead.
Closed for lunch
Experts were initially of the view that the creature might have been simply 'resting after a long squwark' or possibly even 'stunned'. Others were off the view that it might simply be 'pining for the fjords'.
Who's a pretty boy then?
After 12 hours of patient study, external consultant Joan Cledes from Weston upon Tupperware, was brought in. It's understood that it was Cledes who discovered that the parrot had been nailed onto its perch by a dodgy salesman in a bid to cover up the fact that the bird was in fact dead.
As a result, Cledes was able to deduce that the bird had in fact deceased.
Stiff
Speaking exclusively to Mr Damian she was suitably incredulous about previous suggestions as to the well being of the animal.
'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker!' she said.
'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!!'
'So is it definitely dead?' we asked.
'THIS IS AN EX-PARROT' she confidently replied.
That it would seem settled it, and so the panic about avian flu begins....
It's organisers described it as the star studded media launch which would project an often embarrassing issue onto the front pages. But in Central London a campaign designed to launch a weeks worth of activities stressing - 'the importance or impotence' - was nothing more than a huge let down.
National Impotence Week, now in its 10th year aims to raise awareness of impotency issues and remove the stigmas often attached to this subject.
Limp Biscuit
Celebrities including former ITV Wrestling presenter Dickie Davis and Abi Titmuss were in attendance at what was supposed to be a huge hot air balloon display - unfortunately freak weather conditions and a national shortage of helium meant that the event never quite rose to its potential.
Project Manager, and former impotence sufferer, Paul Manning looked visibly deflated as increasingly fervered attempts to breath life into the balloons failed.
Titmuss: had hoped to raise more than awareness
A crowd of 3,000 looked on for nearly an hour, before many of them returned home or retired to the beer tents to drink free pints of 'Brewers Droop' provided by the sponsor Whitbread.
Flacid
'Clearly this isn't quite the climax we were hoping for' Manning said, ignoring the fact that the climax should come at the end of the week - not the beginning - 'but we've lots of other events coming up this week including an Egg and Spoon race featuring Chas and Dave, and a sponsored shouting match between Stephen Hawking and former Tory leader Iain Duncan Smith.'
The centre piece of the event fell a little flat
Bloodless
With the PR company running the day insisting that tiredness was to blame and that this kind of thing was 'normal, it happens to most balloons at some point or other' Mr Damian asked whether the failure of the opening spectacle would dishearten the team leading the iniative.
Manning was adamant that it wouldn't. 'I've no doubt the team will rise to the challenge,' he said.
Based on their past track record we wouldn't be quite so sure.
Clever UK Scientists have found a way to bottle the personality behind the UK's 7th most reconisable radio DJ and use it as a contraceptive, a major retailer announced today as it launched 'Bates Mates' on an unsuspecting British Public.
Simon Bates, the never popular DJ who made his name at Radio 1 and who now works at Classic FM, allowed his personality to be used by scientists in a bid to find a form of contraception even more effective than the current market leader.
The new look packet of three
Damp
Scientists found that Bates' personality typically turned people off sex, or made sure that when they did make love it was - like bates himself - something of a damp squib.
Manufacturer Mates decided to take this finding and bottle it. So to speak. With an ironic nod of the hat to Bates' famous Our Tune feature which involves long drawn out stories about listeners disasters and triumph in the face of adversity, each packet - when opened - plays his signature tune, while the rubber itself has a mugshot on the tip.
Coming Soon
Premature ejaculation sufferers will also find the condom laced with a lube which delays climax until 3 minutes 45 seconds into intercourse - the same time as an average pop record.
'No one wants to get pregnant accidentally or catch an STD' a spokesman said, 'now thanks to Simon and Mates Condoms they don't need to.'
Bruno's next
Other former Radio One DJ's are also expected to use their personalities to help sell products with a Bruno Brookes buttplug (tagline 'disappears as far up your arse as Bruno's personality,') expected to be very popular with certain consenting adults this Christmas.
It is the policy of Mr Damian to correct significant errors as soon as possible.
Our Corrections Editor personally takes in hand any sub-editors or feature writers who have been naughty.
Mr Damian's Corrections Editor, also known as Nana.
Bird flu reaches Russia's Urinals
This was a typographical error, we were in fact referring to the fact that avian flu (flu caused by flying on aeroplanes,) has spread reached the Chelyabinsk region of the Ural mountains. The region is a major industrial centre, but at this stage it's not clear whether the latest cases can be dangerous to humans.
Mr Damian is keen to stress that Russian Urinals remain quite safe, apart from the Gents in the Riga Club where's you're likely to have your wallet stolen and a root vegetable inserted up your anus by the local mafia. Just for a laugh.
Lara cricket game pleases fans
Pre-pubscent boys, and those in the first flush of mastabatory exploration will be disappointed to note that the cricket game in question features the West Indian player Brian Lara, and not Lara Croft as the picture supporting the article appeared to suggest.
Just not cricket
Therapy Shortage
We wrote that Lord Layard, a Labour peer and director of the centre for economic performance at the London school of economics, has called for thousands more therapists.
It should be noted that this was not a personal quest, but a call for more specialists across the country.
The Peer didn't want this type of therapy either.
(Well he might, but we couldn't possibly comment.)
Mr Damian doffs his cap in respect and appreciation to Robin Cook, the former MP who's funeral was held today.
Cook who resigned from the British cabinet over Iraq was a man of principle and a superb orator. He also looked like a squirrel with a bad shave, but let's not hold that against him.
Mr Cook, we salute you - British politics is all the poorer without you.
About 1,700 men and women appeared naked in Tyneside on Sunday morning, in the name of modern art, and Mr Damian was there.
Posed at four locations in Newcastle and Gateshead at 4am this morning, the volunteers were participating in a piece called 'Naked City' by the New York photographer Spencer Tunick.
Spencer, who insists he isn't a perv, has done similar shoots in New York, Barcelona, Belgium and Brazil.
Each work is unique, but designed as Gateshead's Baltic Centre described it, to demonstrate 'the poetic whole resulting from individual bodies arranged in a sculptural way in an urban setting'.
As a result, the public installation, as this type of art is known, would 'challenge traditionally-held views on nudity and privacy as well as social and political issues surrounding art in the public sphere'.
The event aroused considerable interest in the press, but ordinary Tynesiders didn't batter an eyelid.
'To be honest, having nearly two thousand people wander around naked isn't much different to a Friday or a Saturday night' one local said.
Girls Aloud sadly didn't take part
It's the 200th anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar, where Lord Nelson's and the might fleet of Napoleon's clashed head to head. Take our multiple choice quiz to see how well you know your history.
1) Who won the Battle of Trafalgar? Was it:
a) France
b) Britain
c) Matthew McConaughey and the crew of U-571
2) Why is Trafalgar Square so named? Is it:
a) After a style of pantaloons worn by sailors in the battle
b) To celebrate victory over the frogs
c) Because we Limey's are in awe of your 'Times Square'
3) Why couldn't Nelson 'see no ships'? Was it because:
a) He was looking the wrong way
b) He was blind
c) Because he was dead
Eye eye - it's Lord Nelson
4) What was the name of Nelson's ship? Was it:
a) Le HMS Pierre Victoire
b) HMS Victory
c) The Starship Enterprise
5) What were Nelson's famous last words?
a) Kiss me heartily
b) Kiss me Hardy
c) Big Mac and fries please
If you answered:
Mostly a) - Bonjour you cheese eating surrender monkeys
Mostly b) - You're a true British Bulldog - well done!
Mostly c) - Good Morning President Bush, fancy a pretzel?
Just a quick note to thank everybody who has written to congratulate Mr Damian on being made an OBE for services to the Pork Pie Conusmption in the Queen's Birthday Honours list.
This is obviously, both an honour and achievement, and an honour which I had never courted, although I do admit to having filled in the application form myself, as much for a laugh as anything else.
At this stage it's unclear when I will be called upon to go to the Palace to collect the honour, but rest assured that when I do I'll do my best to steal something from the Palace and then flog it on eBay.
Once again many thanks for your congratulations. I really don't know what to say.
Yours eating a celebratory pork pie as I type,
Mr Damian
The pie also does a lot of good work for charidee
It is the policy of Mr Damian to correct significant errors as soon as possible. Please quote the date of publication and the specific story which you are complaining about.
Corrections from the last seven days:
Our Readers Editor: she will, she will, correct you
Duncan to run for Tory leadership
Earlier this week we reported that former Blue Peter presenter Peter Duncan was a surprise contendor for the Conservative Party Leadership.
We did of course mean Shadow transport secretary Alan Duncan, who does at least hold a Blue Peter badge, and once got off with Simon Groom.
Roald Dahl Museum Opens
In an article about the above we commented that 'staff at the museum will welcome any Charlie with open arms'.
This was of course a reference to the lead character in Dahl's book, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, not a suggestion that the staff at the new museum are drug addled maniacs.
Good Charlie 
Bad Charlie
If you spot any additional mistakes, please send them to the Readers Editor along with your National Insurance number, a copy of your birth certificate and any other documentation which you think will help us to easily assume your identity.
Many thanks.
Trevor Baylis, the world famous inventor renowned for creating the clockwork radio, is set to announce his latest invention at a press conference this afternoon.
The product is the first produced by his new firm, Trevor Baylis Brands, which supports inventors and recently launched on the stock exchange with the aim of creating a "culture of invention" in the UK.
Aimed at the telephony market Baylis' latest invention builds on the success of his clockwork radio by introducing a telephone version which works on the same design principles.
Unlike Blondie, Mr Damian isn't hanging on the telephone
Put simply, and in non-scientific terms - the product comes with a small handle which you crank in order to generate energy for the product to run. The radio model has been a proven success in areas without electricity, or where an electrical supply is in poor supply. In Africa thousands are now able to listen to the radio without the expense of batteries or reliance on electricity.
However telecomms commentators are not so sure that the telephone version of this model will be as successful.
'Whilst the green credentials of this sustainable technology are not in doubt, we're not sure how practical it is for consumers' James Winalott from BT told us.
This sentiment was echoed by Justin Cox from the broadcast and telecomms regulator Ofcom, who expressed an additional concern that 'clockwork telephones might lead to an increase in wind up or crank phone calls'.
Mr Damian is probaby not alone in thinking that with this type of technology, that's something of a given.
Baylis - wind up merchant
The budget airline Easyjet today revealed a new way in which it plans to reduce costs and make more money.
The no frills airline, which many people credit with having produced the biggest shake up of the travel industry since the the introduction of the package holiday, has already shown itself to be hugely successful, with it's load factor, which shows how many seats are filled on flights, now standing at 85.2%.
This April it carried 25% more passengers than it did this time last year, and in the same month, the airline took delivery of its 37th Airbus A319 - taking its fleet up to 100 aircraft.
Nice and Easyjet does it
However the financial pressures for the company remain considerable, and the desire to keep costs down remains a business imperative.
Higher fuel prices in particular have been affecting airlines, and Easyjet is no exception. As a result, the challenge is to find ways to burn less fuel, or find ways of increasing revenue to pay for increased fuel costs.
The latest thinking from the orange airline is twofold, to tax passengers who weigh more than their Chairman, Stelios Haji-Ioannou - himself no stranger to a Happy Meal - and to reduce the amount of luggage that passengers can take on board to one item.
Stelios is under to pressure to shave more than just costs
'The impact of both policies will inevitably irk some passengers, but that's the trade off they pay for such cheapr fares' a spokesman told us.
One irrate passenger - who prefers to remain anonymous - told us of a problem he had this morning when he tried to take two dead raccoons with him on an early flight to Barcelona.
'I'm sorry sir,' the stewardess said 'only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
I thank you.
Sometimes real life is funnier than fiction... Read the full manifesto here - or see below for the highlights.
On the Economy...
Our team of experts has decided that Income Tax has not proved popular with the public and will therefore be abolished. It was started in order to finance the Napoleonic war in 1799 and we now believe that the time is right to announce the cessation of hostilities with Napoleon.
We will issue a 99p coin to save on change.
The Official Monster Raving Loony Party will not join the single European currency. We will invite all Europeans countries to JOIN THE POUND.
Tax credits will be paid to nice people. There will be a 'total bastard' tax for everyone else.
On Political Sleaze...
Any Home Secretary claiming to have more children than necessary will be made to run the House Of Commons Creche.
In reaction to the old adage, 'Children are so honest' we intend to reduce the age of standing for parliament from 21 to 5.
On Education...
We pledge to reduce class sizes by making the pupils sit closer to one another and issuing them with smaller desks.
Bright pupils will be provided with dimmer switches to prevent them distracting the rest of the class.
Any student who says the word 'Like' when not grammatically called for, as in, 'Hey, I'm ... Like, going down the like, pub, like', or, 'I was, like, don't do that' will be made to go and stay with George Bush for a week in order to discourage them from other stupid 'Americanisms'.
On Transport...
Drivers will be allowed to drive over roundabouts when there's nothing about. This will make driving through Milton Keynes much more fun.
Traffic wardens will be re-named Dick Turpin because, let's face it, it's daylight robbery.
On Law and Order...
We fully back the government's policy of discouraging binge drinking by opening pubs for 24 hours. We believe that 24 hours is not quite long enough and propose to make the length of a day 32 hours long so that the pubs can be open for even longer.
Anyone caught breaking the law will be made to mend it.
On the Environment...
Half the grey squirrel population will be painted red in order to increase the red squirrel population.
With the growth of the motorist's nightmare, the HUMPS, town farm cows WILL BE RE-INTRODUCED, as when they are going for milking they will block roads admirably and keep the speeding traffic down
On Defence...
All WMD's (weapons of Mass Distraction) will be made highly visible so that we can find them.
Any politician wanting to start a war will be shipped off to the country in question with a bag of conkers. They can then conker the country themselves.
The white cliffs of Dover will be painted blue to camouflage our islands.
Buckingham Place will be defended by triffids, cultivated by Prince Charles.
Anyone criticising defence will be made to mend it with de hammer and de nails.
On Pets...
Anyone believing that their pet understands every word that they say to them will be asked to make the pet write a thesis to prove it.
The Queen...
In future the National Anthem will be 'Bring Me Sunshine' as sung by Morecambe and Wise. It is quicker, more tuneful and people know the words.
On state occasions Prince Philip will juggle his spectacles up and down and say, 'Hey!' before the whole of the The Royal family do the dance off at the end. If the music can not be found because it was left in the pub then it may be substituted by 'The Hippo Song' by Flanders and Swann.
The UK General Election saw a new row yesterday as the major parties enagaged in a political verility test to show who was toughest on crime.
The row was triggered by the publication of the latest set of crime statistics, publshed by the Home Office which showed that overall recorded crime fell 5% in the last three months of 2004 - but that violet crime for the same period rose 9%. Tony Blair, argued that this showed Labour's policies on crime were working, although he admitted that the rise in violet crime was 'disappointing'. The Conservative Rottweiler, Michael Howard, said that this wasn't good enough 'ordinary decent people live in fear of violet crime' he said whilst speaking to anyone who would listen. The Lib Dems and Tories for once were agreed in their response to tackling the problem: both want to tackle crime by increasing police numbers, particularly on the beat. |  Violet Crime Victim |
Tony Blair refused to be drawn on the specifics, but said more needed to be done to tackle violet crime, and pledged a 15% cut in overall crime by 2008.
 Overall crime is decreasing | As ever, much of the debate focussed on interpretation of the statistics, the British Crime Survey, which Labour prefers, questions thousands of people about their experiences of crime. It suggests that overall crime has fallen 11% and violnt crime 10%. The survey suggested the risk of being a victim of crime was 24%, the lowest since 1981. Labour is planning to introduce a Violet Crime Reduction Bill if re-elected. A big aspect of the bill will be a curfew on anyone wqearing violet clothing after dark, something previously felt impractical. |
Julie Walters is currently starring as Mrs Overall, in Acorn Antiques, at the Haymarket Theatre, London.
Mr Damian is proud to announce sponsorship of National Pork Pie Week, which launches today in London.
The week, designed to promote the gorgeous taste of these fat filled pastry heart attacks, is being launched by Mr Damian as we attempt to run the London Marathon dressed as a pork pie.
Serious, and unserious contendors alike compete in the London Snickers
Other events during the course of the week designed to raise awareness of this nutrionally balanced snack include buxom blondes standing outside the Houses of Parliament and a traditional pork pie throwing contest at Lands End in Cornwall.
Mr Damian has generously put up prize money of £1 million for anyone who manages to sink a Cornish fishing trawler with a pork pie handgrenade. Similar prize money is avilable to those who hit leading British politicians whilst they are on the eletion stump.
Lethal in the right hands
Roger Mowbray, President of the UK Pork Pie Manufacturers Association, said he was delighted at Mr Damian's sponsorship. "We've been trying to raise the profile of pork pies for years" he said, "but people don't seem to be very interested in them. Now with Mr Damian's help we're putting this delicious snack back in the public consciousness."
In turn Mr Damian speaking from inside his pork pie costume as he started the race, said he was delighted to promote a product he avidly consumed, adding that the only thing that was going to keep him going for the next 26 miles was the thought of a large pie at the end of it.
Mr Damian currently has joggers nipple, and only six toenails.
Conservative leader Michael Howard has launched his party's manifesto as the UK General Election starts to hot up.
 Howard took questions from journalists at the launch | The Tory who previously served under Margaret Thatcher - although not in the biblical sense - told reporters that 'the electorate faces a real choice' when they go to the polls on May 5th. 'They can either vote for five more years of smirking, or they can vote for a party which will deliver cleaner hospitals, more police, school discipline, controlled immigration, lower taxes and accountability.' Soho's sexworkers, who have long had a successful business arrangement with members of the Tory party welcome an increase in discipline, but it's the issue of immigration which is attracting the most attention. |
According to at least one expert, Mr Howard, 63, could find himself deported if his party's policies are successfully carried out, although it's not clear if this fact - until now kept secret - is part of the Tories electoral strategy or not. Labour party chiefs in particular have expressed a worry that this knowledge would simply encourage more people to vote Conservative. 'It's very clever,' one source told us, 'vote Tory and you guarentee getting rid of Howard forever, which is great. However you do get a Tory Government for four years, which is not so great. We haven't been in this much of a quandry since Clause 4.' Michael Howard declined to comment. He was busy crying at Sleepless in Seattle. The big girl. |  Not a sex worker, but we wish she was |
Like anyone gives a fuck...
In a surprising move the UK Government will announce later today that disgraced former Tory peer Jeffery Archer is to be permanently moored over the Kent coast.
The lying Lord has been a source of embarrassment to the British public for many years, especially since his release following a conviction for perjury, and this is the latest attempt to ensure that he is kept at arms length from tabloid journalists, charity fundraisers and high class hookers.
Lying cheating bastard, or so the courts say
It’s understood that the move comes with the complete support of his “fragrant” wife, Mary, who is said to be delighted at getting rid of “the lying cheating bastard”.
Commercial Ferry companies however have expressed concern over the move, fearing that the sight of the popular writer lashed to a buoy may distract their crew, or worse still result in members of the public falling overboard, as they jostle for the best position to take photographers of the former Tory grandee.
Bryan Ferry is a slave to love and was unavailable for comment.
The marked routes are Archer safe. The rest is potentially Archer infested. Approach at your peril.
A small group of trade officials representing OPEC were in for a nasty surprise yesterday when they visited senior civil servants and Ministers at 10 Downing Street.
The delegation were let into the Cabinet Office only to be met by the site of Tony Blair and Gordon Brown pulling each others hair and slapping one another like girls.
This revelation, made by the Saudi representative, Yousef Ahmed, has been seized by journalists as yet another example of how far the relationship between these two men – who once shared a House of Commons Office - has deteriorated.
However the Prime Minister’s official spokesman saw the matter differently.
“It was just play-fighting,” he told us “the Prime Minister and Chancellor have very stressful and strenuous jobs, and therefore a bit of rough and tumble is sometimes what they need in order to help them relax between meetings.”
The couple in happier, more loving, days
Whilst sceptics have scoffed at this interpretation it’s worth noting that this kind of behaviour is hardly new, with leaders worldwide often resorting to unlikely stress relievers in a bid to manage the strains of their work more effectively.
In America President Clinton famously had oral sex with an intern in a bit to relieve his stress, whilst less famously President Truman used to play strip poker for money with White House staff in the Lincoln bedroom.
According to former members of his staff, President Truman never lost a hand. Although he did frequently lose his clothing.
Former French President, Francois Mitterand was known to throw assorted French cheeses at an old picture of British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher, and one of Thatcher’s predecessors – Edward Heath – was known to tussle with members of the Glenn Miller Big Band in front of an open fire.
This act, overseen by former Number 10 teaboy, Ken Russell, was said to have inspired a similar scene in his hit film Women In Love, some years later.
Took place in front of the Heath, and inspired by him too
For Blair and Brown bitch slapping is just the latest in a line of legal relaxants, used by the pair as they try to keep their relationship in tact and their Government on course.
Chavs were the new fashion sensation of 2004, as the media and fashion industry alike woke up the realisation that there were vast numbers of people with money to burn on overpriced, shoddy, jewellery, tracksuits and labelled clothing.
The companies who most benefited from this were Burberry and Elisabeth Duke and now in recognition of the financial potential of this new market High Street Sex Chain Ann Summers have decided to go into partnership with Burberry.
The result, is the “Chav Line” a range of toys and accessories aimed specifically at this increasingly powerful demographic.
For much information on Chav’s and Chav culture visit ChavScum.
Top Ten Burberry Sex Toys
1. Burberry tipped riding crop
2. Burberry Gimp Mask (complete with Burberry zip)
3. Furry Burberry Handcuffs
4. Edible underwear (his)
Now you can, quite literally - eat my shorts
5. Edible underwear (hers)
6. Burberry coloured rampant rabbit
7. Burberry Blindfold
8. Burberry Stockings (just the tops)
9. Burberry PVC Body Suit
10. Burberry Clad Blow Up Doll – with real hair (female)
Not Item 10, but the doll would be dressed like this. Like the adult that is.
The UK’s beleaguered Home Secretary, David Blunkett, will today announce plans to introduce a new arm of the law.
 Blinding dress sense | For years New Labour has postulated about introducing an all powerful, fully functional fashion police, but it’s only now – with an election due in the next twelve months – that they feel the time is right to introduce this new branch of enforcement. Headed by Trinny and Sussanah from BBC TV’s What Not To Wear, the special task force promises to be “tough on fashion crime, tough on the causes of fashion crime.” Mr Damian understands that the first target will be mirrored sunglasses with Burberry casuals next on the list. |
| Chancellor Gordon Brown is understood to be an ardent supporter of the move, seeing it as a key mechanism for lifting children out of poverty by 2020.
A Treasury spokesman told us how poor fashion sense can keep able people out of work and also be a drain on the economy. He also suggested that the Government might introduce a special Shell Suit tax and ban the wearing of peddle pushers amongst varicose veins sufferers. Frank Sinatra was unavailable for comment. |
Even Mr Damian's undies will have to go |
A new degree in ‘Smug Bastards’ (BA with Hons) is being offered at Cambridge University starting next year. Students will be able to study famous smug bastards throughout history alongside those carrying the smugness torch into the 21st century.
Some of the course highlights and key figures being studied include:
- Leonardo Da Vinci - cleverer, and smuger, than anyone else for the next 500 years and he wrote everything in the Da Vinci Code so nobody could replicate his work
- Henry VIII – had seven wives, smug enough to cut off their heads off if he decided he didn’t like them
- Sean Connery - the smug Scot still has more sex appeal in his seventies than the majority of men will ever have
 |  |  |
Renowned Norwegian professor Dr Arss Holle (very ugly, and with a trophy wife,) appears to be more than qualified to lead the class. “I don’t need this job you know, but it’s a great opportunity to get out of my huge house and into one of my ten collectible cars to talk about how great my life is.”
Students will also study those who seemingly had everything but lost it all.
Saddam Hussein is a prime example, the professor chortled “If he hadn’t gone and invaded Kuwait, Saddam could have rivaled some of the smuggest bastard dictators in history.”
According to Dr. Hole, Fidel Castro was one dictator that got the right mix of smugness and ambition. Students study himin their final year.
| Cambridge’s scholars, not well known for their modesty have embraced the new subject with open arms. Social Sciences department head Dr W. A. Nennker “We are very excited about this new branch of learning. All of human achievement was built by smug bastards such as myself, and we hope to equip future generations with the skills to become the most smug Cambridge graduates history has ever seen.”
Donald Trump is still defecating on a gold plated toilet on his private jet and was ‘unavailable for comment’. |  Trump: no beard, but very smug nonetheless |
British college student Omar Singh became so tired of Americans asking him "Hey you're from Britain, do you know Dave?" on a recent trip Stateside that he embarked on a very unusual quest. He set out to prove definitively whether there really was a Dave that everyone in the British Isles knew.
The results of the study were surprising, proving beyond reasonable doubt that there really is a single Dave that everyone knows.
Dave Yately from Altringham in the West Midlands is the unlikely holder of the famous title. The shell shocked Dave was confronted on a reality TV show entitled 'The Quest for Dave' to be shown on ITV1 next week.
Dave
When asked why he thought he was so well known Dave scratched his head and mumbled "I dunno, I play darts at the local pub twice a week, maybe that's it. I suppose I did put it about a bit when I was in college."
|
Mr Singh also set out to test another popular question from across the
pond "Hey you're from England, do you know the Queen?" This assumption proved to be false although 80% of the country claim to have had a drink with Princess Michael of Kent. |
 She may be a Princess, but she has a man's name |
Home Secretary David Blunkett today announced radical plans for cost saving in his department, the most notable of which is to do away with all Government offices and introduce teleworking for civil servants.
"This would save a fortune on old Government buildings and on subsidised staff canteens," a spokesman told us, "the Home Office would then quite literally do what it says on the tin," he added smugly.
In similar moves, it's understood that the Foreign Office may relocated to a large call centre in North India, and that the Department for Culture Media and Sport may be housed in the British Museum, although neither department were prepared to comment on these rumours at this at this stage.
It’s a move which is guaranteed to outrage the Daily Mail and titillate the Daily Sport, as the popular chemists Boots and Superdrug announce plans to sell sex aids in their high street shops.
The move comes after both firms have recently been hit by large fines under the trade descriptions act. The historic ruling noted that each firm “didn’t sell what it said on the tin” and that “this was misleading to consumers and shareholders alike.”
Don't actually sell Boots, and never have
Retail expert Harry Pink told us “as a result of these massive fines each firm now needs to diversify their income streams in order to get back on an even financial footing”.
For the retailers, sex sells. “Our customers come in here to buy condoms, KJ Jelly and nappies” a spokesman for Boots said, “so sex aids are a logical next step.”
The market however will be competitive, with Ann Summer already have a substantial hold on the sex aid market and other new players coming on stream with every passing week.
This week alone sees multiple entries trying to penetrate this area of business, with Richard Branson unleashing Virgin Sex Toys, as well as the popular beer manufacturer Heineken (reaches the parts other sex toys cannot reach) also releasing their own brand of adult related goods
Not just for puppies
In another related story the toilet paper manufacturer Andrex has launched an aggressive takeover for the condom manufacturer Durex, which could see products from latex loving firm rebranded with the same “soft strong and very very long” moniker as their arse wiping sister firm.
Following the end of the recent Conservative Party conference, Mr Damian has carefully scrutinised all the speeches and policy statements made at Bournemouth in a bid to pull together a pre-emptive manifesto and highlight the top ten Tory policies designed to win them the next General Election.
They are:
1. Cut taxes
2. Cut taxes
3. Cut taxes
4. Cut taxes
5. Cut taxes
6. Cut taxes
7. Cut taxes
8. Cut taxes
9. Cut taxes
10. Did we mention that the Tories are going to cut taxes?
The Tax Cutting Party of Diversity
UK Prime Minister Tony Blair announced plans for a new form of direct taxation today in front of a packed House of Commons.
In a move signalling New Labour's committment to be "tough on poor grammar, otugh on the causes of poor grammar" the new 'Like Tax' was unvelied. Using emergency legisaltion the British government has taken the unprecedented step of taxing people based on the number of times they use the word "like."
Teenage rights groups immediately stuck out, a spokesteen exclaimed "This like so like unfair, I mean like we should be able to say what we like, when we like. Like."
It is thought that this tax will hit also northerners and MTV viewers especially hard, many of whom can say the word 'like' upto 50 times a day.
"Fucking hell like," one punter told us "it's going to be cheaper to smoke like than say like," they said before being fined fifty quid by a passing copper.
Musicians whose music is played in the UK will be similarly affected. It is expected that many artists will re-record songs to avoid paying. Outkast’s recent hit “Shake it in a way that is reminiscent of a Polaroid picture” will be reversioned to make it radio and taxation friendly, whilst legendary songstress Madonna will pay a heavy price for over using the word in her 80s hits “Like a Prayer” and “Like a Virgin”.
Madge – needs to use a bigger vocab
Meanwhile Burger in a Bun giant McDonalds have denied rumours that they changed a recent campaign initially based around the phrase “I’m likin' it” after being tipped off by a ministerial insider.
Plans were afoot to introduce a similar tariff on the use of "y'know". This was strongly opposed by the PM who is in the top 5% of "y'know" users in the country.
It is estimated that had the tax been implemented the PM would lose most of his salary and might even be forced to resell his new London pad in order to foot his tax bill. Blair is quoted as saying "It would y'know, in all fairness, be y'know somewhat unfair on, well, y'know me, Cherie and lest we forget little baby Leo if we were to be made y'know, homeless as a result of this measure."
Lionel Blair innit?
In the U.S., Republican pressure groups are fighting Democrats who want to introduce a so called 'Idiot Tax' on people who can't say the word nuclear properly and ban them from ever becoming president.
Rumours have reached Mr Damian that the Labour Party will be repackaging the Prime Minister as a terrorist beating war hero in the coming months, in a vain attempt to redress public opinion on the Iraq War.
Rumours suggest that a short film will be made where - using CGI technology - the Prime Minister's head will be superimposed onto the body of Harrison Ford in a bid to show Blair's "humour, humanity and ability to kick Gary Oldman's arse."
Gary Oldman's arse was unavailable for comment.
Mr Damian congratulates the DJ who played 'Hey Ya' by Outkast at the 'handing over sovereignty' ceremony yesterday. It was a nice touch.
Perhaps just as well they discarded the other tunes he wanted to play:
Hammer Time - MC Hammer
The Boys Are Back in Town - Thin Lizzy
Wanna Be Starting Something – Michael Jackson
Get Out Of My Dreams Get Into Iran - Billy Ocean
Wonderoil – Oasis
However at the after show party dignitaries were treated to the sight of Bush, Chirac, Blair and Putin doing the dance from The Full Monty to Donna Summer’s "Hot Stuff".
The Iraqi Prime Minister, Iyad Allawi, told Mr Damian “it brought tears to my eyes”.
Home Secretary David Blunkett says he has not given up on the case of a football fan freed despite a two-year jail term for rioting in Portugal.
"I'm working very hard on this because I haven't given up on the idea that we're going to nail the fucker," the home secretary is quoted as saying.
Mr Damian wishes to remind the Home Secretary that crucifixtion is illegal in the UK following Paul Daniels' stunt last October.
It's the latest craze sweeping the States - Baby Gyms for overweight infants, but this is one Stateside trend we won't be seeing over here.
As obesity levles in the UK soar the Labour Government has been keen to explore a number of options to 'get the country moving' - but a No 10 spokesman today confirmed that they did not see Britain going down the route of compulsary swimming, yoga and weight-lifting for porky kids.
"I don't think that would be very helpful to be honest" we were told "I think a far better idea would be to teach children how to burn calories whilst doing something useful, like gardening".
When asked if this might include manual labour, chimney cleaning and agricultural work we were told that this was "probably taking the idea a bit too far. That's probably okay for the children of asylum seekers, but we'd stop short of putting fat British kids to work. You have to draw the line somewhere."
The Conservative candidate for London Mayor, Steven Norris, has publicly stated that he would remove the Congestion Charge if he were elected. However, Mr Damian has heard from a campaign insider that the reverse is true, and the serial shagger Norris would in fact extend the zone if the electorate put him in City Hall.
"It's dynamite" the aide told us, "Steven can't stand people with breathing difficulties, so given half the chance he'd split people into a congestion and decongestion zone, but he's worried that this might make him come across as a bit of a Nazi".
Steven Norris is not a Nazi, but he does enjoy a good lunch. His mother is 94.
Tony Blair's chief-of-staff spoke exclusively to Mr Damian last night over lashings of stout in the famous Red Lion pub in Westminster.
Jonathan Powell, the PM's longest-serving advisor, and a former Controller of BBC One, told us "I was misquoted" adding that "what I actually said was that Gordon would never be Prime Minister so long as Tony held that position."
This logical, Sir Humphrey-esque argument was then seemingly misheard by Boris Karloff, the former editor of Spectator magazine.
"To say that I described the chancellor's hopes of entering Downing Street as a "Shakespearian tragedy" would also be incorrect what I actuyally askd him was whteher ot not he'd seen a good tragedy recently, I've personally heard that Trevor Nunn's Hamlet is rather good."
Trevor Nunn is married to Imogen Stubbs.
Visitors to Blackpool over the weekend were astonished to find that the Tory MP for Maidstone and The Weald had been staked into the sand with some sharp pieces of wood and was being used as a trampoline by a number of small screaming children.
This isn’t the first time that the blonde-locked MP has been used as a playground device. The good people of Broadstairs often attach small children to her and attach the former Shadow Home Secretary to waterwheel, whilst young boxers in London’s East End have frequently used her as a sparring partner. “She’s bloody good’ said one crack taking delinquent.
For Miss Widdecombe - who is also an unsuccessful novelist – this latest foray into children’s entertainment comes at a time when she is seeking to throw off her jam and cardigans image in order to show a softer more human and caring side.
Friends of the portly politician say that following the success of her trampoline experiment she is now seeking to become a fully fledged bouncy castle, but at present is awaiting planning permission before this ambition can be fully realised.
Anne Widdecombe’s mother is 94.
Music fans worldwide were shocked yesterday when 70s rock group Deep Purple threw themselves at British Prime Minister, Tony ‘Teddy’ Blair.
The group who had hits in the 70s with songs such as Black Night and Smoke on the Water had heard that the PM was known to play their riffs after he’d had a few cans of Special Brew.
Outraged at the indignity, and in a desperate attempt to drum up publicity for their latest Greatest Hits album, they decided to storm Parliament throwing themselves off the vistors gallery whilst singing Child in Time.
The band survived the fall, but several MPs who broke their fall are currently in hospital awaiting surgery. Singer Ian Gillan has promised that they will all receive signed copies of The Book of Taliesyn by way of compensation.
The cat of witch-burning guitarist Richie Blackmore, Mr Sniffles, is 94.
The Greatest Hits of Deep Purple is available in all good record stores and Woolworths.
Thailand Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra says his country's £60m bid for a 30% stake in Liverpool has been accepted "in principle".
"In principle they agreed and now we are working on details," said Thaksin.
"I hope we have no problems but if we cannot agree with Liverpool we have alternatives."
It's been widely assumed that this sum referred to Liverpool Football Club, but Mr Damian can exclusively reveal that is it in fact an aggressive take over of the entire city itself.
A Thai spokesman told us "The Kingdom of Thailand draws more visitors than any other country in Southeast Asia with its virtually irresistible combination of breathtaking natural beauty, inspiring temples, renowned hospitality, robust cuisine and ruins of fabulous ancient kingdoms. We saw many parallels with Liverpool and so we look forward to bringing a little bit of Asia to the North West".
Soon you'll be able to chat up the lady boys by Lime Street station, enjoy a boat across the polluted Mersey river, enjoy exquisite cuisine such as kebabs and chips, whilst also looking out for random bursts of public kick boxing and other martial arts.
Finally, our source also told us that if successful, the Thai Government will seek to follow up the purchase of Liverpool with the purchase of Blackpool, which they believe will become a pleasure mecca for scousers the world over. “Blackpool has a lot of potential” we were told, “of course we’d have to chance the name to something with a rich Thai Scouse heritage – but we think that EhFuck could become Englands Phuket.”
Thai Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra is 94.
We received the below from the Department of Health this morning:
New virus
There is a dangerous new virus currently in circulation, called WORK.
If you receive WORK from your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else, via e-mail or any other means, DO NOT TOUCH IT!
Symptoms
WORK is contagious, and if unchecked can wipe out your private life completely.
Remedy
If you should come into contact with WORK, put on your jacket, take two good friends and go straight to the nearest pub. Order the antidote known as BEER. Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
If you are unable to find two good friends, then this means that you are already infected and that WORK already controls your life.
WORK CAN BE FATAL.
Mr Damian is currently down the pub with two good friends.
David Blunkett continues his onward march to the Dark Side.
Interestingly I thought it would have been a bit tasteless to say 'What next?' and then allude to the kind of oppression we've seen in the last century across Germany, Russia or South Africa - but it seems there are commentators have been preapred to make that predictable - if perhaps at times tasteless (and inappropriate?) - leap.
• Official: Lib Dems all gay
• Blair U Turn on Foxhunting
• Christmas Caption Competition
• MOD to investigate soldiers passion for water sports
• Dead Parrot
• Launch of National Impotence Week a giant flop
• Bates Mates Contraception Launched on UK High Street
• Notices of Correction
• Robin Cook RIP
• Tyneside Bares All For The Sake Of Art
• Battle of Trafalgar Quiz
• Mr Damian made an OBE
• Notices of Correction
• Baylis seeks to reinvent the telephone
